Ugh… Exodus. Everybody already knows this shit! Ok. I guess if we have to. Get ready for some Charlton Heston jokes, ’cause I’mma be throwin’ ’em out. Like pitches. Like pitches at the mother f’en World Series. Like mother f’en Kershaw at the mother f’en World Series. Like… I would try and put this Exodus thing off longer, but I don’t know enough about baseball to keep it going. So… I guess we’ll get started. Now. We’ll start now…. Now. Someone kill me.
Joseph and his entire generation had completely died out. But, as these Israelites are apt to do, they had multiplied in number. A lot. There were so many of them the new pharaoh was like No… no way. Too many. Enslave them. And they did. But the Israelites were still reproducing way too quickly. So the pharaoh worked them even harder. Still they wouldn’t quit doin’ it. Finally pharaoh decided that since he couldn’t tire the Israelites out enough to get them to quit sexing it up all the time, all newborn Israelite males were to be thrown into the Nile. Simple fix, really.
Do we really have to do Exodus? Anyone who has ever been limited to network television on an Easter weekend had surely seen the damn story… Damn it.
One of the Israelite slaves became pregnant. Unwilling to kill her newborn son (mothers can be funny that way) she put the baby in a water-tight basket and sent it off across the Nile. Luckily for the babe, none other than the pharaoh’s own daughter finds him. She feels sorry for the crying baby and decides to keep him. Like a pet, maybe.She sends for a maid to feed the baby and somehow the baby’s actual mother ends up nursing him. They named him Moses. There was no hot Egyptian princess, by the way. And no Moses, pharaoh, princess love triangle either. I cannot begin to explain what a letdown that is.
As much of a letdown as that is, there are some other ways Hollywood really screwed up the story in order to create drama. Who’d have thought Hollywood would ever do that? Charlton Heston’s whole, I didn’t even know I was an Israelite baby this whole time that I’ve been heartlessly directing their slave labor; now that I’ve found out, I’m gonna whine and cry like a teenager. Yeah, complete bull. He knew. In fact, it sounds like the entire No, really, he’s Egyptian cover up was Hollywood bull. Pretty sure everyone knew that the pharaoh’s daughter was harboring a slave baby. And everyone seems ok with it, until Moses screwed up. Hard. One day Moses went to watch his people at work and killed an Egyptian who had been beating a slave. Pharaoh finds out and tries to kill Moses, but Moses flees into the desert. As you often do when wondering through the dessert, he ends up finding a wife and having two children. See? All these young people in the club trying to find love, when really they should just go hiking through the desert. Easy.
Meanwhile, back in Egypt, pharaoh dies and another pharaoh takes his place. The Israelites cry out loud enough for God to hear, because slavery seriously sucks. So God was like, Oh yeah, I totally promised Abraham I would save his people after they had been slaves for a while. And by that time, they had been slaves for just under 430 years, so I’m guessing He got that, oh shit, I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven feeling. God came to Moses in the form of a burning bush. Why a bush? It’s Bible logic, there is no why. He told Moses to go back to Egypt and save the Israelites. Now I’ll warn you right off that Moses and the Israelites are whiney little wankers, so get ready for that. Prepare for it, it’s annoying. Moses was all why me? (Did I not warn you?) And God didn’t really answer the question but promised that the Israelites would get super rich off of plundering the Egyptians on the way out. What if they don’t believe me, Moses asked, so God showed him some cool tricks to show the Egyptians to prove that he was legit. I’m a horrible public speaker, Moses complained. So God kicked Moses in the balls. No he didn’t, but maybe he should have.
Apparently annoyed by Moses’ whininess (I’m guessing), God decided to kill him. But Moses’ wife, Zipporah, did a quick circumcision on her son, and put the bloody dick skin on Moses’ feet, so…. I don’t know why. I have no idea why. That’s disgusting. But for whatever reason it makes God decide not to kill Moses. Or maybe He was just really busy throwing up, I’m not sure. Back in Egypt, God tells Moses’ brother Aaron to round up the Israelite elders and get his butt to the desert and meet with Moses. So Aaron does, and Moses does his tricks for them and tells them that he’s there to save them. Which in my mind was Charlie Heston saying, “Come with me if you want to live.” Am I right?
Aaron and Moses go to pharaoh and do their best imitation of the Heston: “Let my people go.” To which pharaoh not only said no, but hell no. So much no that now I’m going to stop supplying your people with straw. They can get their own damn straw and still complete the same amount of work. When the Israelites heard about this, they were (naturally) less than happy with Moses. Moses got all whiney again, but God wasn’t about to let him out of this people-saving thing.
Moses and Aaron went back to pharaoh and did the staff into a snake trick, but pharaoh called his own sorcerers who did the same thing, but then Moses’ snake totally ate their snakes. So Moses came back the next day. (Does pharaoh not have bodyguards? Seriously?) This time Moses did the Nile water into blood trick. The water got really stinky, and all the fish died. But pharaoh wasn’t impressed, because his sorcerers could do the same thing. How they proved that I’m not sure, because the Nile was already blood. I guess they did it on that other river that runs through Egypt.
Seven days passed (without water? No one had water. Even the water in the pots had turned to blood… so?) and Moses made frogs appear. Lots of frogs. Shit tons of frogs. It had to be a lot of frogs, because seriously, they’re frogs. How annoying could they be? Pharaoh’s sorcerers also made frogs appear, which is the opposite of helping at this point. Finally, pharaoh was like, ok , do what you want, just get the frogs out of here! So Moses made the frogs go away, but the pharaoh went back on his word. So then God made all of the dust into gnats. Which are way more annoying than frogs, but even though the sorcerers couldn’t reproduce it, pharaoh wasn’t having it. Then, God sent flies. Lots of fuckin’ flies. Just to make it more impressive, God made the homes of the Israelites a fly-free zone. Once again pharaoh agreed to let the Israelites go but later went back on his word once the flies were gone. Next, was the plague on livestock. The Egyptians lost all of their livestock, while the Israelites lost none. Next, was boils, which for me was the freakiest part of The Mummy. Waaaaaay gross. Although I am confused on one thing, all of the Egyptian livestock die in the previous curse, but in this one it says that the animals got boils too. So? Pets? Maybe? If anyone ever gave my pets boils, that shit would be over ASAP. I would cut some bitches.
Afterward, God totally trash talks. I could for serious, just kill you all with a plague, but I won’t. You know why? Because then you’d all be dead and couldn’t see how cool I am, so I’ll just keep cursing you instead. And then God told the Egyptians that they had better bring their livestock (yes, another plot hole) inside, because He was gonna send the worst hail storm ever. And he did. It destroyed all of the fields (again… the same fields that the flies destroyed). Pharaoh pulled his lying bullshit again, so Moses stopped the storm. After pharaoh went back on his word again, came the locusts. They destroyed what was left after the hail (which I thought was nothing, but this book follows its own set of rules). Guess what pharaoh did? If you guessed lying like the sack of crap he is, you’re correct! But at least the locusts were gone. Unfortunately, so was the light. For three days nobody could see shit. I’m not talking darkish, like in the Heston movie. I mean full on shit your pants dark. Still pharaoh insisted on being a prick.
Then came the big show. God explained to Moses that he planned to kill the first born of every Egyptian, from the pharaoh’s son to the lowest slave’s son. Because God obviously likes to punish people who haven’t done shit to anyone. Also the firstborn of the Egyptian animals were to die. All of the animals should be dead at least three times over, but ok. God also tells Moses to have the Israelites ask their Egyptian neighbors for their gold. Which they gave to them… because they liked the Israelites? So confused…. Lastly, each Israelite family was told to slaughter and eat a one-year old lamb. God even specified the way they were to prepare the lamb and how they should dress as they ate it. To me, this relationship seems a little overbearing, but the Israelites were obviously desparate. The Israelites also had to take the blood of their lamb and smear it around their doorway, that way God would know to pass over their doors with his first-born murder cloud. (It was a cloud in the movie). Get it? Pass over, passover? You see what they did there? Then God explained how they were to celebrate Passover from then on (lots of unleavened bread. He’s big on the unleavened bread).
That night, God swept through Egypt, killing all of their firstborn. “There was not a house without someone dead.” Ah… religion. At which point, pharaoh was fucking done and ordered Moses to take his people and gtfo. Luckily, the Israelites had time to collect all of the gold form their Egyptian neighbors and left their enslavement totally rich. Unluckily, they didn’t have time to put the yeast back in the bread. Seriously, this bread thing seems to be a major issue. 600 Israelites left Egypt that day. Men, Israelite men. Women don’t count. On the way out, God gave some additional Passover instructions, which mostly have to do with circumcision. God takes a serious interest in the penises of his followers. Also, should it not be peni?
Something to point out about this story, is that God is constantly driving both sides of the story. The Bible makes it very clear that God either hardens or softens pharaoh’s heart to change his mind back and forth. So what happened to free will? Does it exist at all? Does it only exist for the Israelites? Dunno. Also, as I noted earlier, God points out that he could have just killed all of the Egyptians and freed the Israelites. Better yet, he could have just used his Jedi mind trick and had pharaoh release everyone without bloodshed. But no. God has to showboat and show off his power to earn the respect of the Egyptians. The Bible is also careful to point out that part of God’s issue is that he wants to prove that he is better than the Egyptian gods. So instead of just freeing the damn people, He goes on an ego trip that results in the deaths of many innocent Egyptians. Not to mention, if the Bible is to be believed, most of the Egyptians were slaves at this time too. Remember Joseph and his food scam?
God knows that the Egyptians plan on following and making war with the Israelites, so instead of leading them down the road, he takes them on a path to the Red Sea. God led the way as a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. Have I not pointed out at least once, that God has style? Once they got to the sea, the Israelites saw that pharaoh and his army were closing in on them and started being little shits to Moses about bringing them out just to be killed. But God told Moses to put out his hand over the sea, so he did and the sea parted. The Israelites walked through the two walls of water. Pharaoh tried to follow, but God closed the sea back up, killing every Egyptian, the pharaoh included. The Bible says that God did this in order to prove himself to the Egyptians. Except he forgot to leave a survivor. You have to leave a survivor. God needs to watch more movies.
It’s really only at this point that the Israelites stop whining and put their trust in Moses and God. Just kidding. They did until they realized they were in a desert with no food. Then they got bitchy again. So God gave them bread to collect off of the ground. (No really, they collected it off of the ground.) Then they were all upset about not having water, so God had Moses hit a rock with his snake staff and water came out of it. I guess rain storms are harder to make that nail storms? Then some outsiders attacked the Israelites. Moses sent some guys out to fight and promised to fight with the staff of God. On a hill. Far away from the battle. Wink. But seriously, Moses would raise his hands and his guys would start to win, but if he lowered his hands the other side would start to win. Imagine the fun you could have with that. Eventually, Moses’ arms got tired, so Aaron and another guy had to hold them up. Charlton Heston, you weak bastard.
Eventually, the Israelites get to Mount Sinai. God tells everyone to get all cleaned, stop banging, and get consecrated, because he was going to make a major announcement. Then he summoned Moses and Aaron up the mountain. Where He gave them the Ten Commandments: 1) No other gods before me. Note once again that there are other gods, God just wants to be number one. 2) No idols. At least God can admit that he’s a jealous dude. 3) Do not misuse the name of God. “Misuse” can mean a lot of things. 4) No working on the Sabbath. None, not even the slaves! 5) Honor your mom and dad. 6) No murdering. Unless you’re God, then you can murder whomever, whenever. 7) No adultery. Unless you need some people to think your wife is your sister and not kill you. Then they can bang your wife. 8) No stealing. 9) Don’t give false testimony against your neighbors. I’m willing to bet this would cover a lot of today’s gossip. 10) No being jealous of your neighbor. Which we have just torn all to shreds. Those are the Ten Commandments. Not suggestions, not random lines in the Bible that may or may not mean what you want them to. The Commandments. So if anyone can judge an unmarried, pregnant woman, a gay man or anyone else who isn’t quite up to snuff, I hope that they’ve never said “God damn it,” that they’ve never even lifted a finger on a Sunday, that they’ve never talked back to or questioned their parents, that they’ve never stolen so much as a paperclip from the office, that they’ve never cheated on their spouse, that they’ve never gossiped or lied about their neighbors and that they’ve never, ever been even a little bit jealous of something a neighbor had.Otherwise? Those in glass houses, ya’ll.
I feel like I failed you in my Heston promise. There should have been more. I just… I failed. I was also hoping to slip in a “from my cold, dead hands” line, but I failed in that too. For that, my most sincere apologies. But other than that, hell yeah! Done with shit that everybody already knows! Onward to new subjects!