The End of the Remix, When It’s Mostly Just Noise, And You’re Hoping a New Song Starts Soon

2 Chronicles 22:1

Raiders had killed all of Jehoram’s (bowel guy) sons except one, Ahaziah, so the people had no choice but to make him king. Ahaziah was a jerk, like his father. On a trip to visit a wounded friend, some enemies of that friend killed Ahaziah and everyone who was with him. This is the guy with the crazy mom, who killed the rest of the royal family when she found out that her son was dead. Ahaziah’s sister was able to save one of his sons and hide him from his grandmother. That kid, Joash, became the new king.

During Joash’s kingship, he reinstated the tithe that Moses had put on the people when still in the desert. The people gave “gladly,” and the king was able to collect a great deal of money. With this money, the King repaired the temple, which as we know was sacked like fifteen times. At least now we know how they replaced all of that rick stuff back at least of one of those times.

But then Joash went all evil and killed a prophet.  And then he got killed too.

25:1

Amaziah becomes king of Judah. He wants to win some war, so he hires some Israelites to fight for him. God no likey. God tells Amaziah that he can provide much more than these hired fighters, so Amaziah sends the hired mercenaries home. Then he goes and kills a bunch of people by throwing them off of a cliff. Then he started worshipping other gods, tried to pick a fight with Israel, gets his ass handed to him, and dies.

Uzziah took his place as king. He was a good dude, had a lot of stuff, killed a lot of people and had the love of God, because he followed God. Then he got really full of himself and thought that he would go burn some incense to God, which was a no no because he isn’t a priest or a Levite. The priests tried to point this out to Uzziah, to which he replied by throwing a temper tantrum. And then he got leprosy for burning his own incense. He lived separated from the everyone else after that.

Blah, blah, blah, stuff we’ve already read. Uninteresting kings. And we get to Ahaz, that really lovable guy who did everything detestable in the eyes of God; he even sacrificed his own kids. Pretty much everyone in the area attacked and defeated Ahaz, carrying off more of Judah’s rich stuff. Even Israel attacked and carried off a bunch of people to enslave. Luckily for them, some priest reminded them that it was a sin to enslave their fellow Israelites, so those slaves were sent home. Ahaz decided it would be a good idea to serve the gods of those who had defeated him. They had defeated him, so their gods must be strong right? Wrong. Since it had nothing to do with other gods, just God God showing his displeasure with Ahaz being an ass. Ahaz died after a long reign, but he didn’t get to be buried with his fathers. Which doesn’t really seem like that great of a punishment, but whatever.

29 :1

And then there was Hezekiah, Mr. Perfect, who began to set right everything that his father had helped to destroy. Kings talked about how he had led his people to walk in the ways of the Lord, destroyed the altars to the foreign gods and all that, but this book also shows that he reinstated the tithe that had been abandoned. There was so much extra money after the tithe had been going for a few month, that he began to distribute it amongst the Levites as it should have done all along. The Levites got a lot of stuff. Oh, and everyone pretty much waded in the blood of sacrificed animals. As one should.

The Assyrians came and attacked and stuff, and Hezekiah gave a good ole fashioned Independence Day type speech, and everyone took heart in God and did not give up. God was pleased and saved Judah; we already know this. The Assyrians were destroyed and went home. Hezekiah reigned for a long time, got super rich and stuff but finally died.

Menassah next. Complete ass. Sacrificed his kids and stuff. Total douche. The King of Assyria took him prisoner and dragged him back to Assyria with a hook though Menassah’s nose. Menorah pleaded with God to save him and give him another chance, and God took pity on him and did so. Once Menassah was back in Judah, he did his best to lead his people back to God. But he had led them way astray and couldn’t really get everybody on board. Most people kept woshiping foreign gods. And Menassah died.

33:21

Then another evil king. Then Josiah, that good dude who found the old laws of God and lead his people to follow them once again. He was the one who held Passover for the first time in forever. It was too late for Judah, God had had enough and doomed them, but because Josiah was awesome, he decided not to destroy everyone until he had died. Josiah was really awesome, but that didn’t stop God from letting him die in a battle against the Egyptians. God really wanted to get on with the destruction, I think, good little follower be damned.

Then there was another shitty king, whom the Egyptian King carried off and replaced with a puppet king. The puppet king sucked too, and was taken by a Babylonian King, who replaced him with another puppet king. Everyone, puppet kings and all were awful, and God finally wiped the slate clean when the Babylonians carried all of the Israelites off to their homeland to enslave them. They also destroyed the temple, the palace and other various parts of Jerusalem.

The enslavement of the Israelites only lasted 70 years, however. Apparently God had promised Jeremiah that the destruction of the Israelites would only last that long (I don’t remember that particular part, mostly just the dogs eating your dead type of stuff. I didn’t think that there was a time limit, just a lot of death and misery, but…?) The 70-year term happened to end when Persia came to power with Cyrus as its King. Cyrus decreed that God had given him power over the people of the world in return for Cyrus building a temple to God in Jerusalem, and anyone who wanted to go do that was free to go. Cool dude, Cyrus.

The end! No more remix! Only three more history books left! Next, Ezra.

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