Isaiah 2: Continuation of Doom!

Isaiah 22:1

Let’s get back to decimating populations.

A Prophecy About Jerusalem-We already know I’m (God) going to wipe out Jerusalem, but let me add that nothing you can do or say will ever atone for your sin. I will destroy the rulers and one day replace them a new ruler who will be super cool.

A Prophecy About Tyre-I’m wiping out Tyre. Completely. She (Tyre) is a prostitute, so I’m destroying it, and no one will remember it for 70 years. After 70 years, the prostitute will come back, but all of the prostitution money will be mine.

The Lord’s Devastation of the Earth-I’m going to destroy the Earth. All of it, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. Afterward, I’ll just be sittin’ on my mountain, looking awesome!

25:1

Praise to the Lord-Hey all you proud nations out there! God is gonna so kill you. You’ll be sorry you didn’t praise Him!

A Song of Praise-The Lord is awesome! He is gonna wipe all of the sin from the Earth! Those of us who have been good (Isaiah includes himself in this, I think) will have to hide away until He’s done, because He’s about to mess some shit up.

Deliverance of Israel-Israel may have been naughty, and God may have wanted to destroy us, but we will make up for our sin. Then, God will crush all of the nations that have crushed Israel, and we will be free to go home and worship God.

t28:1

Woe to Ephraim-Everybody in Ephraim is drunk. “All the tables are covered with vomit.” God does not approve, so he’s going to wipe out the city.

Woe to David’s City-God will seek vengeance against Jerusalem; their festivals and sacrifices do not appease Him. He won’t destroy them completely though, just mostly.

Woe to the Obstinate Nation-Anyone who does stuff without consulting Me (God) or does stuff not in my “Spirit” is gonna get it. I tried to help you and keep you on the right path, but you’re so damn obstinate! Now I have to destroy your cities. Then, you’ll see that I’m the bestest God and worthy of your love! You’ll throw away your idols “like menstrual cloth” and we can all be friends again! I’ll give you whatever you want, destroy your enemies even, after you decide not to be assholes anymore.

31:1

Woe to Those Who Rely on Egypt-All ya’ll turds trying to get help from Egypt suck. I’m gonna screw you up. And then you’ll realize that I’m way cooler than they are.

The Kingdom of Righteousness-When a king rules in righteousness, everything is fabulous! And everybody knows their place.

The Women of Jerusalem-You ladies are way too complacent! I’m gonna teach you a lesson that will make you tremble. But afterward, I’ll be kind and promote peace.

Distress and Help-Lord, we are in serious distress, can you help us? You’re awesome, we love You! But uh… things aren’t going that well, so… help? (Then God speaks) Nah, I’m mad at you. I’m gonna let things get really bad, so that you’ll be really sorry for being turds, but then I’ll make everything great! At some unknown point in the future.

34:1

Judgment Against the Nations-“The Lord is angry with all nations,” so He is gonna fuck shit up.

Joy of the Redeemed-After He fucks shit up, and we’ve all learned our lesson, He is gonna make everything fabulous! Way fabulous. He’s even gonna make a highway for the righteous to walk, singing and dancing, back to Jerusalem.

Sennacherib Threatens Jerusalem-Sennacherib, king of Assyria, attacked and defeated many of the cities of Judah. The king sent one of his field commanders to Jerusalem, who tried to talk the people into just giving up and letting the Assyrians win.

37:1

Jerusalem’s Deliverance Foretold-When the king of Jerusalem (Hezekiah) and Isaiah found out, Isaiah foretold that the king of Assyria would not only lose, he would leave Jerusalem without fighting, and be put to the sword in his own land. When the king of Assyria heard this, he was like whatever, I eat other kings for breakfast.

Hezekiah’s Prayer-At this point, Hezekiah got desperate. He went to the temple of the Lord and begged for God’s help against the Assyrians.

Sennacherib’s Fall-And then, the Lord spoke through Isaiah; God said that He was really hacked off that the Assyrian king thought he stood a chance against God Himself. He also said that He would protect Jerusalem and drive the Assyrians away. Then the angel of the Lord went into the Assyrian camp and cut down 185,000 men. At which point, the Assyrians decided screw this and left. Some time later, Sennacherib was cut down in his temple by his own sons.

Hezekiah’s Illness-Hezekiah got sick, near death. He cried and prayed to God to save him. God decided to take pity, because Hezekiah had been a pretty good dude. So God told Isaiah how to make Hezekiah better and prolonged his life.

Envoys from Babylon-The king of Babylon sent envoys with gifts to Jerusalem to congratulate Hezekiah on getting over his illness. Hezekiah was excited to see them and showed them all around his palace. He showed them all of his riches and cool stuff. Once they left, Isaiah asked Hezekiah who they were and what they wanted; Hezekiah responded honestly that they were Babylonians and that he had shown them everything he had. Isaiah advised Hezekiah that the Babylonians would be back, but this time it would be to take all of the cool stuff Hezekiah had shown them.

40:1

Comfort for God’s People-We need to ready everything for God, make everything nice for when God delivers us all. Nations are nothing to God. He sets them up, then knocks them down. He is the everlasting God.

The Helper of Israel-I am God. I can do whatever I want. I picked Israel out of all the people I created to love. But you guys turned out to be jerks, so now I have to destroy you.

The Servant of the Lord-I will send you a servant who will bring “justice” to the nations. You have been naughty, awful children, but I will save you with my servant. (Jesus again?)

Song of Praise to the Lord-Sing praises to Me! I’m awesome! I’m gonna make your lives so amazingly fantastic! Unless you worship idols, in which case you’re gonna have a bad time.

Israel Blind and Deaf-Israel, you have been a real pain in the neck. So God had to punish you to show you the error of your ways.

Israel’s Only Savior-I (God) am your only savior. No one else can save you! Which I will do. In time.

God’s Mercy and Israel’s Unfaithfulness-I tried to be a good and caring God to you, Israel, but you sinned constantly and failed to sacrifice to Me. So I’m gonna have to destroy you. Apologies. Actually, sorry not sorry.

44:1

Israel the Chosen-But afterward, you’ll start to feel bad and call My name again. And I’ll redeem you.

The Lord, Not Idols-People who make idols are just the worst. And stupid for bowing down to man-made objects.

We will take another break here and finish up Isaiah next time. Notice there are some repeat stories about Hezekiah in this section–plus, the retreat and eventual death of Assyria and its king– that we had read about in prior books. So if the stories corroborate, it must be true, yeah?

Isaiah: Prophet of Doom!

Isaiah 1:1

This book is a collection of “visions” and prophecies about the future of Judah, made by a guy named Isaiah during the reigns of four different kings (possibly ranging from right before and right after the evil in Babylon.)

A Rebellious Nation- Israel is rebellious and does not know its place. Even an ox knows his master, but these Israelites are a headache. We have been beaten and captured, our cities left burnt and rotting. Had God not left us survivors, Judah would be another Sodom. Hear the words of God, He says that your ceremonies, your prayers, your sacrifices are bloody and meaningless to him. Instead, “Seek justice, encourage the oppressed.” Your cities used to be righteous and shine, but now your rulers are rebels and thieves. They “chase after gifts. They do not defend the cause of the fatherless.” Therefore, God will punish you, and purge you from the earth. He will replace you with righteous judges and return your cities to good.

The Mountain of the Lord-“In the last days” the mountain of God will be raised above all others, and peoples will flock to it. “Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore.” We will walk in the light of the Lord.

The Day of the Lord-The people of Israel are practicing the customs and religions of foreigners. They are chasing gold and other spectacles of wealth. Soon, they will be brought low; do not pity them. The Lord will be exalted and the proud men humbled. People will run in cowardice at the majesty of God.

3:1

Judgment on Jerusalem and Judah-God will take away the supplies of Israel. He will take away their strong leaders and prophets and replace them with children. The people will “oppress each other–man against man, neighbor against neighbor. The people of Judah are guilty, and they will be punished…. Youths oppress [the] people, women rule over them.” (Uh oh) “What do you mean by crushing My people and grinding the faces of the poor,” God asks. The women are haughty and flirtatious, so God will give them sores and make them bald! God will take away all of their fine clothing and accessories. You will be defeated in battle, left destitute until women are begging to end their disgrace. (Yikes)

The Branch of the Lord-When the day comes that the Lord “washes away the filth of the women of Zion,” it will be glorious. He will watch over His people and shelter them from wind and rain.

The Song of the Vineyard-The one I love has a vineyard. He works very hard on his vineyard and takes great care of it, but his grapes are bad. Why is this? Not sure, but I’ll tell you what I’m going to do about it. I’m going to destroy his vineyard. That will fix it. PS, my love is God and Israel is His vineyard.

Woes and Judgments-“Woe to those who add house to house and join field to field till no space is left, and you live alone in the land.” The Lord has declared that he will ruin mansions and ravage vineyards that are bigger than necessary. “Woe to those who rise early in the morning to run after their drinks, who stay up late at night till they are inflamed with wine.” I will destroy mankind for not understanding or respecting God, “with all their brawlers and revelers…. Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight…. Who acquit the guilty for a bribe but deny justice to the innocent.” God is gonna fuck some shit up over this, even the mountains will quake.

6:1

Isaiah’s Commission-I saw the Lord sitting upon His throne, there were these crazy, six-winged things I call seraphs flying above Him singing. The temple shook at their singing, and I thought I was ruined! I am unclean and imperfect, living amongst imperfect people. But a seraph dude took a live coal out of the fire (with tongs, obviously, seraphs burn too) and put them to my lips, freeing me from my sin. Then God decided to send me on an errand. He told me to make sure my people continued to act like jerks until God had destroyed everyone and everything. And I was like, ok sure. (You’ll remember that this isn’t the first time that God has led people to be naughty just so that He could destroy them.)

The Sign of Immanuel-One day, when Israel was making war on Judah, God sent me out to meet up with some guy at a pool. I was to tell him that his need to defeat and tear apart Judah was just not going to happen. Oh, and that he should talk to God. But the guy refused to talk to God, so I got testy. God decided that He would give the guy a sign. He would make a virgin pregnant with a kid named Jesus, jk, Immanuel. But before Immanuel could become a man, God would send in the Assyrians to destroy Judah. (Supposedly, this actually does refer to Jesus. Immanuel just means “God is with us.”)

Assyria, the Lord’s Instrument-God does that thing we just talked about. A priestess gives birth to a baby. The Lord spoke and said that before the baby could say “My mother,” God would call on the Assyrians and the Egyptians to destroy Judah.

Fear God-God told me not to do as my people were doing. They’re being naughty, and they’re gonna have a bad time.

9:1

To Us a Child is Born-But don’t worry! Because a child will be born, and he will lead our people and uphold righteousness! (Jesus again)

The Lord’s Anger Against Israel-God is so mad at Israel, that He’s gonna turn everyone into cannibals, brother eating brother, and still not be appeased in His anger.

God’s Judgment on Assyria-God will use Assyria to destroy his naughty people. He will use them like a tool, like an ax to do away with His people.

The Remnant of Israel-There may be a lot of you now, Israelites, but God is going to destroy you and only a remnant will remain.

The Branch from Jesse-A “branch” will sprout from Jesse (King David’s dad), and he’s gonna be an awesome dude. He will be a “banner” to his people and lead them back to greatness.

12:1

Songs of Praise-When that happens, you are gonna sing praises to the Lord like its your job.

(Most Christians believe that the portion of Isaiah that we just covered is the foretelling of the fall of Israel, the birth of Jesus and the rebirth of Israel. Never mind that twice it is stated that the child will already be alive when the Assyrians attack the Israelites or that nothing really fits except the virgin bit, but what the heck do I know? Let’s destroy some shit.)

A Prophecy Against Babylon-(This prophecy was made by an oracle but witnessed by Isaiah.)  I’m (God) going to destroy the hell out of Babylon. Even worse than I will destroy my own people. I’m gonna destroy it so much that nothing will ever be built on it again. (First of all, the people named in this passage, the Medes, did attack and take over Babylon. But they didn’t destroy it, they ruled it for a short time before losing it to the Persians. In fact, the city of Babylon survived for centuries, losing popularity only after years of infighting amongst the generals that Alexander the Great left in charge after his death. Secondly, memorize this passage. Pull it out if ever you need to threaten and seriously scare the hell out of someone. This shit is more terrifying than Liam Neeson trying to get his daughter back. Use wisely.)

A Prophecy Against Assyria-Oh, and I’ll destroy the Assyrians too. Fuck them.

A Prophecy against the Philistines-And the Philistines. They suck.

15:1

A Prophecy Against Moab-Yep, the Moabites too. There will be few survivors, and they will crawl to Israel on their knees.

An Oracle Against Damascus-(Hold on, God has plans for a lot of peoples.) Damascus is out too. I’m going to ruin it until it is nothing but a smoking, festering heap that no one wants. (Damascus, btw, still exists. As the capital city of Syria, it isn’t doing that well at the moment, but it still exists.)

18:1

A Prophecy Against Cush-Yep, I’ll destroy that too. Then the survivors will bring me gifts.

A Prophecy About Egypt-A gonna dry up the Nile (didn’t happen) and destroy them too. “In that day, the Egyptians will be like women. They will shudder.” But then they’ll love Me, so I’ll bless them. Then maybe a plague, that will draw them closer to Me. In fact, I think I’ll make Egypt, Assyria, and Israel my triad of awesome places once they all bow down and worship me.

A Prophecy Against Egypt and Cush-I’m gonna make the king of Assyria walk home naked as a warning to Egypt and Cush. It will show how hard core I am.

21:1

A Prophecy Against Babylon-Yep, still gonna kill ’em.

A Prophecy Against Edom-Kill.

A Prophecy Against Arabia-Kill.

There are more people to kill, but I’m tired. We’ll come back to it.

Fifty Shades of Solomon

Songs of Songs 1:1

This is about to get awkward. Songs of Songs is believed to have been written by Solomon. Yes, angsty teen guy. But this is not teenage fodder. Taken literally this is either a poem (or song?) between Solomon and one of his lovers (wives?), or, perhaps, a poem about a love triangle between Solomon, his intended and the shepherd whom his intended loves. Taken less literally, it can be read as a declaration of the love between God and man. I hope not. However you read it, it is… interesting, to say the least. The writing goes back and forth between two lovers (Solomon being “Lover” and the woman being “Beloved”), with “Friends” (an outside group of people) thrown in here and there. (Read as a love triangle, “Friends” would be Solomon and “Lover” the shepherd.)

Beloved: (The woman) Kiss me, handsome. You’re awesome, no wonder all of the girls have crushes on you!

Friends: Your love is awesome!

Beloved: My skin is really dark, but don’t judge me for it! My brothers made me work out in our vineyard.

Friends: You’re hot, lady.

Lover: (Solomon) “I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of the Pharaoh.” (I think this is a complement.) All that jewelry looks really good on you; I’ll make some more for you!

Beloved: I wear awesome perfume to draw the king in. “My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.” (No really, that’s in here, 1:13)

Lover: You are so beautiful! “Your eyes are doves.”

Beloved: You’re hot too–and charming. “And our bed is verdant.”

Lover: “The beams of our house are cedars.” (I think this is an allusion to the strength of the relationship? Maybe? Dunno.)

Beloved: I am a flower.

2:2

Lover: You are a flower, a flower amongst thorns. (The other ladies are the thorns.)

Beloved: You are “like an apple tree among the trees of the forest.” Your “fruit is sweet to my taste.” My lover cuddles me, and “I am faint with love.” He calls to me, “My beautiful one, come with me.”

Lover: You are lovely, and your voice is sweet. Chase away anything trying to ruin our love.

Beloved: “My lover is mine and I am his.” I was in my bed the other night, but my lover was not there. I searched the entire city looking for him. When I found him, I held him and would not let him go. Then I took him to my mother’s house, “to the room of the one who conceived me.” (That’s romantic.) Look, here comes Solomon, looking all kingly!

Lover: You are soooooooo hot. “Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.” 4:5 (This guy knows how to sweep a lady off of her feet.) Come with me, my bride! You have stolen my heart, my sister! (Uh… figure of speech?)

Beloved: “Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (I am furiously blushing at this point.)

5:1

Lover: Oh, I did. I did all of that and more.

Friends: “Drink your fill, O lovers.”

Beloved: My lover knocks on the door. I go to open it, but he is gone. I go to look for him, but the watchmen found me. They beat and bruised me. Where is my lover?

Friends: How is your lover better than all of the others?

Beloved: Well, he’s young Brad Pitt levels of hot. And he has a good heart, that too.

6:1

Friends: Where did your lover go?

Beloved: He’s in his garden.

Lover: You are beautiful, lady. Like really beautiful. I have lots of wives, lots. But you’re the best. “The only daughter of my mother.” (Wait, what?) All praise you.

Friends: Who is this super hot person?

Lover: I was in the garden, but I realized I really wanted to get it on.

Friends: Wait, come back! You’re hot, and we want to look at you!

Lover: You are so beautiful, daughter of a prince. “You stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit, I said ‘ I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.'”

Beloved: “I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me…. Let us go to the countryside… there I will give you my love.” If only you were my brother, the people would not stare and condemn our pda. (Not sure if this makes me feel better or worse about the sister/brother thing.) “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” (This last line is repeated fairly often by Beloved.)

Friends: Who is the woman coming from the desert and leaning on her lover?

Beloved: Let’s go to where I roused you, your mother conceived you and also where she gave birth to you. (Gross) I am super jealous, and my love for you “burns like blazing fire.”

Friends: We have a young sisters whose breasts aren’t done growing. What will we do with her when she is spoken for? We will protect her.

Beloved: “I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers.” This is my vineyard, I can do with it as I will, and I want to give part of it to Solomon.

Lover: Speak up, lady! I want to hear your voice!

Beloved: Come away with me and be “like a young stag.”

So… take from that what you will. One thing that this poem makes fairly clear is that ladies should wait for their true love, not try to push it and pick the wrong one. (And they are to be protected until that happens. Families who pushed their young daughters into marriage, I’m looking at you!) It is debatable as to whether or not the poem suggests that you have to be married to “awaken love.” And however you read it, I hope that you’ll notice that the Bible seems to be promoting love and passion (as long as it is for the right person.) So take that, weird religions who try to put a damper on human passion! This is also proof that men have fixated mostly on a women’s “breasts” since forever.

Next up, we’ll be reading Isaiah for the next forever.

Ecclesiastes-The Angsty Teen of the Bible

Ecclesiastes 1:1

And we’ve come to the most depressing of all of the books so far, Ecclesiastes. That is, if you read it like I do (not everyone does). Get ready to really question your life and the meaning of it. This book is widely believed to have been written by Solomon in his older age.

Everything is Meaningless- See title. Everything is Meaningless, and no one will remember you after you die.

Wisdom is Meaningless-Chase after wisdom all you want; you’re still gonna die. 1:18 “For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

Pleasures are Meaningless-You can amass all that money can buy, chase every pleasure, but it, too, is meaningless.

Wisdom and Folly are Meaningless-Wise men and fools all die, so what’s the point?

Toil is Meaningless-Work is hard and stupid.

3:1

A Time for Everything-(Pretty much that song by The Byrds: Turn, Turn, Turn, “A time to be born, a time to die” etc.) No one can truly understand God, and then we all die.

Oppression, Toil, Friendlessness-All of the things in the subtitle are meaningless and suck.

Advancement is Meaningless-A poor youth is better than a rich, old king. More people will follow behind and believe in the youth. Both are meaningless though.

Stand in Awe of God-Stand in awe–and few words–in front of God. Watch what you say to Him, because whatever you say, you must do.

Riches are Meaningless-5:10 “Whoever has money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is not satisfied with his income.” And guess what? It’s meaningless.

7:1

Wisdom-7:3 “Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.” Patience is better than pride. Extremes are always bad. 7:20 “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.” Don’t listen to what people say, because they’re probably talking badly about you. Bad women can only ensnare the unrighteous. (So stop blaming the ladies for what your dick does, ya dig?) 7:28 “I found one upright man in the thousand , but I found not one upright woman among them all.” (Seems legit)

Obey the King-You made a promise to God to obey your king, so do it! And don’t question the king. It doesn’t matter how miserable you are, do. not. question. the. king. Nobody actually understands the world, so don’t try.

A Common Destiny for All-Good. Bad. Doesn’t matter. We’re all going to die, and we’re all going to the same place when we die. (And the writer isn’t suggesting an afterlife, just death as the end. This is not the part I remember from Sunday school.) Enjoy life now, and live it to the fullest, because you goin’ ta die.

Wisdom Better than Folly-Wisdom is better than folly, but they both suck and can be defeated. Also, life is not fair. Get over it.

11:1

Bread Upon the Waters-You can’t understand God or the world, and you can’t foresee what will happen. So don’t try.

Remember Your Creator While Young-Enjoy your life while you are young, because you’re going to get old. And you’re going to die. And no one will remember you. Everything is meaningless.

The Conclusion to the Matter-Everything the writer said is true and good. Live by it. And worship God.

So… what did I tell you? Sad as shit, right? Now, many argue that the point of this passage to make people question life, to find meaning in life and God, or to show what life would be like without a belief in God and the afterlife. Buuuuuuuut I see no proof of that. Seems to me, people are trying to put lipstick on a bulldog. Or is it a pig? Can’t remember. To me, it reads like a sad old man, scared to die. It is, however, beautifully written. And out of much of the advice in the Bible (so far), this might be the most sound. Enjoy your life now, because you don’t know when it will end or what will come after.

Next up, Song of Songs.

Proverbially Speaking

Proverbs 1:1

From what I understand, we are about to embark on a journey through Bible wisdom, the dos and don’ts of being good, God-fearing earthlings. Bon voyage!

Prologue-The proverbs of David and Solomon are intended to help you attain wisdom and discipline. “Fools despise wisdom and discipline.” Are you a fool? Then listen up!

Embrace Wisdom-Do not be enticed by assholes. “They waylay only themselves.” And they gonna get it, so stay away from them. (Wisdom is female, btw. 1:20 “Wisdom calls aloud in the public street, she raises her voice from the public squares.”) Those who listen to wisdom will be ok, but those who do not will be ruined. And I will laugh at them.

Benefits of Wisdom-If you embrace wisdom, you’ll be spared from an adulterous wife, who would bring you to ruin. God loves those who seek wisdom. He “mocks the proud mockers, and but gives grace to the humble.” (Most of these are addressed to “my son.”)

Wisdom is Supreme-“Though it cost all you have, get understanding.” “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

Warning Against Adultery-Don’t try to get with another man’s wife. She is an adulterer and pure evil. Find a nice gal, and “may her breasts satisfy you always.”

6:1

Warning Against Folly-“There are six things that Lord hates, seven that are detestable to Him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.”

Warning Against Adultery (another one)-It doesn’t matter how hot she is, how flirtatious she is, do NOT sleep with another man’s wife. She evil. It will end in your ruin.

Warning Against the Adulteress-She evil. Medusa evil. And she will use all kinds of evil girl ways to get you to sin with her.

Wisdom’s Call-I am wisdom, aka the shit. “All who hate me love death.”

Invitations of Wisdom and Folly-“Do not rebuke your mocker, or he will hate you. Rebuke a wise man, and he will love you. Instruct a wise man, and he will be wiser still.” “If you are wise, your wisdom will reward you; if you are a mocker, you alone will suffer.” (Folly is also a woman.) Folly is an idiot.

10:1

Proverbs of Solomon-(Solomon is a long-winded wanker, so get ready. And these are just highlights, there are tons of them.) The righteous, hard working, honest guy=great future. Lazy jerk=ruin. God doesn’t like cheaters. 11:2 “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” 11:12 “A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.” 11:25 “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” 12:1 “He who hates correction is stupid.” 12:15 “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” 12:16 “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.” 12:18 “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” 12:19 “Joy for those who promote peace.” 13:24 “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Oh, dear) 14:10 “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.” 14:13 “Even in laughter, the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief.” 14:31 “He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for the Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.” 14:32 “Even in death, the righteous have a refuge.” 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” 15:33 “Humility comes before honor.” 16:8 “Better a little with righteousness than much gain with injustice.” 16:24 “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” 16:32 “Better a patient man than a warrior.” 17:5 “Whoever gloats over disaster will not go unpunished.” 17:7 “Arrogant lips are unsuited to a fool–how much worse lying lips to a ruler!” 17:26 “It is not good to punish an innocent man, or to flog officials for their integrity.” 18:2 “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions.” 18:13 “He who answers before listening–that is his folly and shame.” 17:17 “The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.” 19:11 “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is his glory to overlook an offense.” 19:22 “What a man desires is unfailing love, better to be poor than a liar.” 20:1 “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.” 20:3 “Every fool is quick to quarrel.” 21:13 “If a man shuts his ears to the cries of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered.” (Last one from Solomon) 22:16 “He who oppresses the poor to increase his wealth and he who gives gifts to the rich–both come to poverty.”

22:17

Sayings of the Wise- 22:22 “Do not exploit the poor, because they are poor, and do not crush the needy in court, for the Lord will take up their case and will plunder those who plunder them.” 23:4 “Have the wisdom to show restraint.” 23:13 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.” (Again, with the child abuse.) 24:17 “Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice, or the Lord will see and disapprove.”

Further Sayings of the Wise-24:26 “An honest answer is a like a kiss on the lips.”

More Proverbs of Solomon-(Here we go again) Don’t act like a dick in front of the king. 25:15 “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.” 26:16 “If you find honey, eat just enough–too much of it, and you will vomit.” 26:11″ As a dog who returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.” 26:18 “Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says ‘I was only joking!'” 26:20 “Without gossip a quarrel dies down.” 27:1 “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.” 27:12 “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.” 28:3 “A ruler who oppresses the poor is like a driving rain that leaves no crops.” 29:1 “A man who remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed.”

30:1

Sayings of Agur-(Agur was an oracle, believed to have lived during the time of Solomon.) I’m not that bright. Help me, God. “Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you.” No one should ask for or have too much–it will prove to be their ruin.

Sayings of King Lamuel-(Another oracle) Help those in need. “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

Epilogue: The Wife of Nobel Character-A wife of noble character is hard to find and worth her weight in gold. She works her butt off to provide for her family and does not hesitate to help the needy. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

That’s it. We just slayed the entire book of Proverbs. And guess what? I actually like this book. It’s a gem. Read it.

 

FINALLY. The End. Of Psalms.

Psalms, Book V

107-God saves people. Actually, He ruins then saves them. (No name)

108-You’re awesome, God, and I’m gonna sing about it! On a separate note, why are You not helping us crush our enemies? (David)

109-More people are being mean to me and trying to kill me. Help, Lord! (David)

110-God is going to help me crush everyone and everything. (David)

111-God is awesome and does cool stuff for us! (No name)

112-God gives good people awesome lives. When the wicked see this, they get testy. (No name)

113-God helps the poor and needy. (No name)

114-The earth trembles at the voice of God. (No name)

115-Other people have different gods, but ours is cooler. (No name)

116-God saved me, so I’m gonna sacrifice stuff to Him. (No name)

117-Everybody, praise the Lord. Now. (No name)

118-I was naughty, but God punished me severely to help me see the error of my ways. Now I’m a good kid. Everybody else should be a good kid too. (No name)

119-(This is an odd one. There is a stanza for every letter of the Hebrew alphabet. And it is long. Really long.)

Aleph-People who follow in the ways of the Lord are better. I am one of them.

Beth-I’m trying really hard to live by your laws, God.

Gimel-People talk, but don’t believe them. I’m a good dude.

Daleth-Help me be good, Lord. I want to honor you.

He-Lord, make me a good person, because I can’t seem to do it on my own.

Waw-I am really good at praising You, God. Better than everyone else.

Zayin-Don’t forget to be good to me, God. You haven’t forgotten have you?

Heth-See Waw

Teth-I want to be bad, but I’m going to be good for You, Lord.

Yodh-See Waw

Kaph-If you could smite the evil dudes doing evil to me, that would be great, God.

Lamedh-See Waw

Mem-See Waw (only even more self-righteous)

Nun-See Waw (I think this one is pretty widely used, “Your word is a lamp unto my                                                          feet….)

Samekh-See Waw

Ayin-Same

Pe-Same

Tsadhe-Same

Qoph-Ditto

Resh-Holy shit, are we done yet?

Sin and Shin-Same

Taw-The fucking same. (No author given)

120-I am a man of peace, which sucks, because I live in a land of haters and war hawks (No kidding. No author given)

121-If you are righteous, God will protect you. (No name)

122-Jerusalem is awesome. King David is awesome (that’s me). And God is awesome. (David, obviously)

123-We are your slaves, Lord. (No name)

124-We would be totally dead, but God saved us. (David)

125-God will banish the assholes. (No name)

126-Farmers like God too. (No name)

127-If God doesn’t love you, you are seriously screwed. (Solomon)

128-If you are good, God will make your wife pregnant. (No name)

129-People who don’t like God suck. (No name)

(There are seriously 20 more of these damn things, and I’m considering giving up this entire endeavor just to get out of reading them.)

130-I’ve been good, so I’ll just be over here, awaiting my rewards. (No name)

131-I don’t think more of myself than I should. (David-we all know this is bull)

132-You know how God blessed David? Isn’t it cool how that will last forever?) (No name)

133-It’s cool when people get along. (David)

134-Praise the Lord, everybody! (No name)

135-I said praise the Lord! NOW! (No name)

136-Give thanks to the Lord. (No name)

137-Jerusalem was awesome, too bad we’re slaves now. Bless whomever kills the bastards who are enslaving us. (This one is worth the actual quote, “Happy is he who repays you for what you have done to us–he who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks. Nifty, huh? No name)

138-I love ya, God. Thanks for saving my ass so many times. (David)

139-You know me, God! You like made me. So you know I’m cool, but those other guys? Those evil guys who talk dirty about you? I hate them. You should smite them. (David)

140-Save me from evil people, God! They are so mean! (David)

141-Help me avoid evil people. They’re icky. (David)

142-I’m praising You, a lot, God. Save me from people I don’t like. (David)

143 through 145-(Same stuff that David always says) Save my ’cause I’m cool, God.

146 through 150-Praise the Lord. He’s cool, we don’t want to be miserable/die, so let’s praise Him.

THE END. No more fucking Psalms. Next up, Proverbs. Lovely.

Any Given Psalmday

(Yes, I think this title is hilarious. No, I don’t care that I’ve already used this image in another post; it’s hilarious and should be recognized for it.)

Psalms, Book III

We’re done with David’s nonsense (mostly), so I’ll try to be more specific about who is writing this stuff.

73-I almost gave up on you, God. I saw wicked guys getting super rich and started to think I was wasting my time worshipping you. But then you completely destroyed those wicked dudes, and I was an idiot to question you. Much love, God. (This Psalm and many to come are by Asaph, a dude David hired to worship God and write this stuff.)

74-What the hell, God? Why are You ignoring Your people and allowing us to be conquered? Remember that our conquerors are jerk faces who don’t love You. Deliver us! (Asaph)

75-Praise God, the ultimate judge and jury! (Asaph)

76-Praise God, because He is scary as hell and might smite you if you don’t. (Asaph)

77-Praise God, because we really need His blessing right now. Also because He made cool stuff for us. (Asaph)

78-(A very concise retelling of all that Israelite history we just spent forever going over.) God saved us, we sucked and so then He disowned us. (Asaph)

79-Uh, God, we are getting destroyed down here! People are seriously kicking our ass! Remember Your people, deliver us! (Asaph)

80-Yeah, still getting destroyed. Save us, already! (Asaph)

81-(Written from God’s perspective) I would save Israel, but you guys won’t quit being assholes or do what I say. (Asaph)

82-God, judge Your people. They’re walking around with no clue! (Asaph)

83-Lots of foreign lands are conspiring to destroy us! Destroy them first, God! (Asaph)

84-God is really cool, and I can’t wait to meet Him! (By the Son of Korah-three Levite priests, I think)

85-You were really good to us, God, but then we were jerks. Don’t be mad forever though, we didn’t really mean it. (Sons of Korah)

86-I really like you, God, so teach me Your ways. Also, save me from my enemies, they’re douche bags. (Notice how that “I” snuck back in? That’s because this psalm is by David.)

87-Zion is the best. (Sons of Korah)

88-(This is the ultimate angsty teenager psalm, the closing line reads, “darkness is my closest friend.”) You have taken everything from me, God. Cut it out. (Thought this was David again? Wrong! But I can see why you might think that. Sons of Korah)

89-You’re awesome, God. But you promised David that You would be on his side forever, and You haven’t kept Your word. So…? (Some dude named Ethan)

Book IV (As much as I’d like to be lazy and just do the one book, I want to be done with these damn Psalms even more.)

90-God, you rock and created everything. Now, be kind to Your people and lift us up. (By Moses)

91-If you really love God, He will save you from anything. (No name)

92-God is awesome, so let’s sing about it! (No name)

93-You’re mightier than all of the stuff You’ve created, God! (No name)

94-God will destroy the wicked. (No name)

95-God got angry at an entire generation, so let’s worship Him and try to avoid that. (No name)

96-Our God is the best god, because He made the earth and all this other cool stuff. (No name)

97-If you’re righteous, praise God. If you’re not… you’re gonna get it. (No name)

98-Sing songs to God, for He will judge us all! (No name)

99-God is mighty and loves justice. (No name)

100-God is good.

101-I am awesome. Others aren’t, and I judge them for it. (By David, of course)

102-You have thrown me aside, God, and I am miserable. Let it be known that God is forever and unchanging, but his people die and are changed like clothing. (By a dying, unnamed man)

103-Praise God, who will hear your prayers and answer them! (David again)

104-God is awesome, so I’m gonna sign about it forever! (No name)

105-(A retelling of Israel up to leaving Egypt) God did cool stuff for us! (No name)

106-(A retelling of Israel after leaving Egypt) God saved us, but we screwed up big time. Praise God, maybe He’ll take pity on us. (No name)

OK. One more book os Psalms to go. Hang in there!

Psalm Like It Hot

Psalms: Book II

42-Dont be sad, God loves you. (Not by David. Probably.)

43-I love God, so why am I still sad? Oh well, I still love Him. (Not David)

44-God used to love us and kill our enemies, but now He has forgotten us. We still love Him and keep His covenants, but He’s being a jerk. Wake up and help us, God! (Not David)

45-Listen young lady, you’re gonna marry the king, and you’re gonna like it! God wants it. (Not David)

46-Even if the world is going to hell, fear not. God is with us. (Not David)

47-Sing praises to God, because He’s a cool dude. (Not David. We will get back to David eventually, promise.)

48-Everybody is happy, because God is cool. (Not David)

49-Even super rich dudes don’t get to take it with them. Only righteous people like me will be gathered to God to live on. All ya’ll other fuckers gonna rot in the grave. (Not David)

50-Give me thank you offerings or else! Love, God. (Not David)

51-Dear God, please cleanse me of my sins, and I’ll sacrifice cool stuff to You! (And we’re back to David!)

52-All evil guys want to talk about is how evil they are (smartest thing David has ever said-think 007 villains), but God is going to get them. Not me though, I’m awesome.

53-Everybody sucks. Everybody. Except me, obvi.

54-Help, God! People are attacking me! Evil people who don’t love You, so You should save me from them.

55-Bad people are still attacking me! I’m gonna be cool about it though, because I know You’re on my side, God!

56-Pretty much the same as 55.

57-People are still trying to kill me (can’t be because you’re kind of a dick, David), but You’re awesome, God, and I trust You to beat them back for me.

58-Other rulers suck and don’t serve God. Beat them up, God!

59-Evil guys are trying to kill me. Kick their asses, God, but don’t kill them. Just make them miserable, so that others can see what happens when they’re mean to me!

60-God, why are You being mean to us? We’re cool, so just be cool.

61-If You let me live forever, I’ll sing Your praises forever? Sound good?

62-You’re gonna reward everyone based on how righteous they are, right?

63-I think of You all the time God. Particularly at night.

64-Evil people encourage each other to be evil, but God is going to punish them. And reward the righteous, don’t forget the righteous.

65-We suck, but still You love us. God, You the shit.

66-I’m gonna tell everyone how super awesome You are, God. (Not specified as David’s)

67-Everybody, praise God. Otherwise, no crops for us. (Not specified as David’s)

68-God is awesome and can reign over what the hell ever He pleases.

69-My enemies are evil, smite them. I am awesome and can sing cooler songs to You than anyone else.

70-Help! I’m in trouble again! Save me!

71-You are my refuge, Lord. Protect me form my enemies, and do mean things to them.

72-Endow the king (me) with your justice and stuff. Make lots of people love and trust me; make me really, super powerful. In return, I’ll help the poor. Probably. (This one is actually Solomon’s)

Thus ends David’s part in Psalms. Which is good, because I’m not sure how many other ways I could read I’m a selfish shit, give me what I want and ruin the people I don’t approve of! without barfing. It may be hard to tell, because I’ve dumbed these passages down so much, but David is only ever concerned with David. He also never stops to think, Huh, people are always trying to kill me. Maybe I’m the asshole. Not once. Next up, more Psalms, just not Davidy ones.

King David Is the Kissiest Butt Kisser Ever

Psalms, Book I

Uh… I have no idea what the best way to sum up this book might be. As you might already know, it is a loooooooong book with different songs and stuff in it. Most of them are thought to have been written be David. Here goes nothing.

1-The righteous get good stuff, the wicked do not. (I thought we just disproved that, but ok.)

2-Are you king? Yes? Then worship the Lord, or else.

3-Save me, God! (Written by David while fleeing his son, Absalom)

4-Hey, guys, follow the Lord, ok? (Written by David to his fellow Israelites)

5-Most people suck, but I’m awesome! Look kindly on my, God! (By David. How about I’ll just point out when these aren’t by David?)

6-Life sucks, God. Can you make it better? I’m a good guy.

7-Some guy is trying to kill me! Help, God! I’m a good guy.

8-You made cool stuff for us, God! Thanks!

9-My enemies are afraid and turn back, because You’re on my side! (Let’s just assume You always means God, ok?)

10-God, you’re too far away. Come closer, so that the evil guys will be punished and stop being all evil to us good guys. (Not specified as David’s work)

11-God sets the evil straight.

12-The evil are everywhere, unashamed of their vileness. The Lord will set them straight.

13-God is ignoring me, and my enemies will defeat me. Come back, God!

14-Not one decent dude is left on earth. But God will come set everyone straight. (David is very repetitive)

15-Only the righteous can hang with God.

16-I’ve been a good kid, so you’re gonna let me live forever, right? (We both know David didn’t get his wish on this one.)

17-I am super righteous. Other people aren’t. Love me more than them!

18-I was going through some rough shit, but I called out to God and He saved me. Because I am righteous. And then I kicked the shit out of my enemies.

19-God is way cool.

20-I hope God listens to you when you pray.

21-God, you’ve done right by me. People try to talk shit on you, but You’ll probably burn them all with hell fire and stuff.

22-I’m miserable and crying out to You, God. Listen!!!

23-(This is a really famous one, the “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” one. You know, the one from Titanic when everyone is trying not to die.) I don’t fear stuff, because God is on my side.

24-God is the best. He’s way bester than anyone else.

25-I was a turd in my youth, but don’t judge me for that. Love me and lead me anyway.

26-I am blameless, God! Redeem me!

27-(This one is pretty famous too. “The Lord is my life and my salvation….”) I’ve been good, so I trust that God will save me from my foes.

28-Lord, don’t ignore me when I’m talking to You!

29-The Lord has an awesome rumbly voice. Like James Earl Jones.

30-Lord, I’m gonna sing you cool songs and praise You forever! BFFs!

31-I’m way better at worshipping You than other people are, God.

32-I sinned, but then I confessed to God, and He forgave me! Everybody should try it!

33-Everyone should sing songs to the Lord, because He’s awesome, and He’ll protect you from harm. (Not specified as having been written by David)

34-I fear and praise the Lord, so that He will save me from my enemies. I’ll help other people fear Him too, and they will be saved too. (This is the third or fourth one that talks about “fearing” God instead of loving/praising him.)

35-People are being mean and trying to kill me. Make them stop, Lord.

36-Wicked people are just awful. They have no good in them. Smite them, God.

37-(I think this one is pretty famous too.) Be good, and God will be good to you. Not the wicked though, He’s gonna straight up kill the wicked.

38-I’ve been really naughty, God, but I feel really bad a bout it, so quit smiting me, ok?

39-Why are you still smiting me? I said I felt bad. Also, can you tell me how long I have before I die?

40-Will you save me yet? I really want you to smite my enemies….

41-My friends are all stabbing me in the back, but I know I’ll prevail because I’m super righteous, and You’re on my side, Lord.

So ends the first book of Psalms. Book II is up next. I’m going to guess it will just be more of David kissing up to God while also being a whiny little turd.