King David Is the Kissiest Butt Kisser Ever

Psalms, Book I

Uh… I have no idea what the best way to sum up this book might be. As you might already know, it is a loooooooong book with different songs and stuff in it. Most of them are thought to have been written be David. Here goes nothing.

1-The righteous get good stuff, the wicked do not. (I thought we just disproved that, but ok.)

2-Are you king? Yes? Then worship the Lord, or else.

3-Save me, God! (Written by David while fleeing his son, Absalom)

4-Hey, guys, follow the Lord, ok? (Written by David to his fellow Israelites)

5-Most people suck, but I’m awesome! Look kindly on my, God! (By David. How about I’ll just point out when these aren’t by David?)

6-Life sucks, God. Can you make it better? I’m a good guy.

7-Some guy is trying to kill me! Help, God! I’m a good guy.

8-You made cool stuff for us, God! Thanks!

9-My enemies are afraid and turn back, because You’re on my side! (Let’s just assume You always means God, ok?)

10-God, you’re too far away. Come closer, so that the evil guys will be punished and stop being all evil to us good guys. (Not specified as David’s work)

11-God sets the evil straight.

12-The evil are everywhere, unashamed of their vileness. The Lord will set them straight.

13-God is ignoring me, and my enemies will defeat me. Come back, God!

14-Not one decent dude is left on earth. But God will come set everyone straight. (David is very repetitive)

15-Only the righteous can hang with God.

16-I’ve been a good kid, so you’re gonna let me live forever, right? (We both know David didn’t get his wish on this one.)

17-I am super righteous. Other people aren’t. Love me more than them!

18-I was going through some rough shit, but I called out to God and He saved me. Because I am righteous. And then I kicked the shit out of my enemies.

19-God is way cool.

20-I hope God listens to you when you pray.

21-God, you’ve done right by me. People try to talk shit on you, but You’ll probably burn them all with hell fire and stuff.

22-I’m miserable and crying out to You, God. Listen!!!

23-(This is a really famous one, the “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” one. You know, the one from Titanic when everyone is trying not to die.) I don’t fear stuff, because God is on my side.

24-God is the best. He’s way bester than anyone else.

25-I was a turd in my youth, but don’t judge me for that. Love me and lead me anyway.

26-I am blameless, God! Redeem me!

27-(This one is pretty famous too. “The Lord is my life and my salvation….”) I’ve been good, so I trust that God will save me from my foes.

28-Lord, don’t ignore me when I’m talking to You!

29-The Lord has an awesome rumbly voice. Like James Earl Jones.

30-Lord, I’m gonna sing you cool songs and praise You forever! BFFs!

31-I’m way better at worshipping You than other people are, God.

32-I sinned, but then I confessed to God, and He forgave me! Everybody should try it!

33-Everyone should sing songs to the Lord, because He’s awesome, and He’ll protect you from harm. (Not specified as having been written by David)

34-I fear and praise the Lord, so that He will save me from my enemies. I’ll help other people fear Him too, and they will be saved too. (This is the third or fourth one that talks about “fearing” God instead of loving/praising him.)

35-People are being mean and trying to kill me. Make them stop, Lord.

36-Wicked people are just awful. They have no good in them. Smite them, God.

37-(I think this one is pretty famous too.) Be good, and God will be good to you. Not the wicked though, He’s gonna straight up kill the wicked.

38-I’ve been really naughty, God, but I feel really bad a bout it, so quit smiting me, ok?

39-Why are you still smiting me? I said I felt bad. Also, can you tell me how long I have before I die?

40-Will you save me yet? I really want you to smite my enemies….

41-My friends are all stabbing me in the back, but I know I’ll prevail because I’m super righteous, and You’re on my side, Lord.

So ends the first book of Psalms. Book II is up next. I’m going to guess it will just be more of David kissing up to God while also being a whiny little turd.

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One thought on “King David Is the Kissiest Butt Kisser Ever

  1. Definitely one of my favorite posts! You’re hilarious and witty and stuff. I’m going to miss this when you’re finished. I wish the Bible never ever ended…..

    Like

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