Psalm Like It Hot

Psalms: Book II

42-Dont be sad, God loves you. (Not by David. Probably.)

43-I love God, so why am I still sad? Oh well, I still love Him. (Not David)

44-God used to love us and kill our enemies, but now He has forgotten us. We still love Him and keep His covenants, but He’s being a jerk. Wake up and help us, God! (Not David)

45-Listen young lady, you’re gonna marry the king, and you’re gonna like it! God wants it. (Not David)

46-Even if the world is going to hell, fear not. God is with us. (Not David)

47-Sing praises to God, because He’s a cool dude. (Not David. We will get back to David eventually, promise.)

48-Everybody is happy, because God is cool. (Not David)

49-Even super rich dudes don’t get to take it with them. Only righteous people like me will be gathered to God to live on. All ya’ll other fuckers gonna rot in the grave. (Not David)

50-Give me thank you offerings or else! Love, God. (Not David)

51-Dear God, please cleanse me of my sins, and I’ll sacrifice cool stuff to You! (And we’re back to David!)

52-All evil guys want to talk about is how evil they are (smartest thing David has ever said-think 007 villains), but God is going to get them. Not me though, I’m awesome.

53-Everybody sucks. Everybody. Except me, obvi.

54-Help, God! People are attacking me! Evil people who don’t love You, so You should save me from them.

55-Bad people are still attacking me! I’m gonna be cool about it though, because I know You’re on my side, God!

56-Pretty much the same as 55.

57-People are still trying to kill me (can’t be because you’re kind of a dick, David), but You’re awesome, God, and I trust You to beat them back for me.

58-Other rulers suck and don’t serve God. Beat them up, God!

59-Evil guys are trying to kill me. Kick their asses, God, but don’t kill them. Just make them miserable, so that others can see what happens when they’re mean to me!

60-God, why are You being mean to us? We’re cool, so just be cool.

61-If You let me live forever, I’ll sing Your praises forever? Sound good?

62-You’re gonna reward everyone based on how righteous they are, right?

63-I think of You all the time God. Particularly at night.

64-Evil people encourage each other to be evil, but God is going to punish them. And reward the righteous, don’t forget the righteous.

65-We suck, but still You love us. God, You the shit.

66-I’m gonna tell everyone how super awesome You are, God. (Not specified as David’s)

67-Everybody, praise God. Otherwise, no crops for us. (Not specified as David’s)

68-God is awesome and can reign over what the hell ever He pleases.

69-My enemies are evil, smite them. I am awesome and can sing cooler songs to You than anyone else.

70-Help! I’m in trouble again! Save me!

71-You are my refuge, Lord. Protect me form my enemies, and do mean things to them.

72-Endow the king (me) with your justice and stuff. Make lots of people love and trust me; make me really, super powerful. In return, I’ll help the poor. Probably. (This one is actually Solomon’s)

Thus ends David’s part in Psalms. Which is good, because I’m not sure how many other ways I could read I’m a selfish shit, give me what I want and ruin the people I don’t approve of! without barfing. It may be hard to tell, because I’ve dumbed these passages down so much, but David is only ever concerned with David. He also never stops to think, Huh, people are always trying to kill me. Maybe I’m the asshole. Not once. Next up, more Psalms, just not Davidy ones.

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One thought on “Psalm Like It Hot

  1. Psalm like it hot… you’re a wit! (Plus the other forty funny things you said) Do you ever wonder if the Bible was meant to be read ironically? What if, after all the millennia of taking this thing so seriously, we’re all supposed to be laughing at it like a satire of all the silly humans? Well, you sure make it funny, nichols448. You’re my favorite comedic iconoclast. Please never stop doing this!!

    Like

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