Psalms, Book V
107-God saves people. Actually, He ruins then saves them. (No name)
108-You’re awesome, God, and I’m gonna sing about it! On a separate note, why are You not helping us crush our enemies? (David)
109-More people are being mean to me and trying to kill me. Help, Lord! (David)
110-God is going to help me crush everyone and everything. (David)
111-God is awesome and does cool stuff for us! (No name)
112-God gives good people awesome lives. When the wicked see this, they get testy. (No name)
113-God helps the poor and needy. (No name)
114-The earth trembles at the voice of God. (No name)
115-Other people have different gods, but ours is cooler. (No name)
116-God saved me, so I’m gonna sacrifice stuff to Him. (No name)
117-Everybody, praise the Lord. Now. (No name)
118-I was naughty, but God punished me severely to help me see the error of my ways. Now I’m a good kid. Everybody else should be a good kid too. (No name)
119-(This is an odd one. There is a stanza for every letter of the Hebrew alphabet. And it is long. Really long.)
Aleph-People who follow in the ways of the Lord are better. I am one of them.
Beth-I’m trying really hard to live by your laws, God.
Gimel-People talk, but don’t believe them. I’m a good dude.
Daleth-Help me be good, Lord. I want to honor you.
He-Lord, make me a good person, because I can’t seem to do it on my own.
Waw-I am really good at praising You, God. Better than everyone else.
Zayin-Don’t forget to be good to me, God. You haven’t forgotten have you?
Teth-I want to be bad, but I’m going to be good for You, Lord.
Kaph-If you could smite the evil dudes doing evil to me, that would be great, God.
Mem-See Waw (only even more self-righteous)
Nun-See Waw (I think this one is pretty widely used, “Your word is a lamp unto my feet….)
Resh-Holy shit, are we done yet?
Sin and Shin-Same
Taw-The fucking same. (No author given)
120-I am a man of peace, which sucks, because I live in a land of haters and war hawks (No kidding. No author given)
121-If you are righteous, God will protect you. (No name)
122-Jerusalem is awesome. King David is awesome (that’s me). And God is awesome. (David, obviously)
123-We are your slaves, Lord. (No name)
124-We would be totally dead, but God saved us. (David)
125-God will banish the assholes. (No name)
126-Farmers like God too. (No name)
127-If God doesn’t love you, you are seriously screwed. (Solomon)
128-If you are good, God will make your wife pregnant. (No name)
129-People who don’t like God suck. (No name)
(There are seriously 20 more of these damn things, and I’m considering giving up this entire endeavor just to get out of reading them.)
130-I’ve been good, so I’ll just be over here, awaiting my rewards. (No name)
131-I don’t think more of myself than I should. (David-we all know this is bull)
132-You know how God blessed David? Isn’t it cool how that will last forever?) (No name)
133-It’s cool when people get along. (David)
134-Praise the Lord, everybody! (No name)
135-I said praise the Lord! NOW! (No name)
136-Give thanks to the Lord. (No name)
137-Jerusalem was awesome, too bad we’re slaves now. Bless whomever kills the bastards who are enslaving us. (This one is worth the actual quote, “Happy is he who repays you for what you have done to us–he who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks. Nifty, huh? No name)
138-I love ya, God. Thanks for saving my ass so many times. (David)
139-You know me, God! You like made me. So you know I’m cool, but those other guys? Those evil guys who talk dirty about you? I hate them. You should smite them. (David)
140-Save me from evil people, God! They are so mean! (David)
141-Help me avoid evil people. They’re icky. (David)
142-I’m praising You, a lot, God. Save me from people I don’t like. (David)
143 through 145-(Same stuff that David always says) Save my ’cause I’m cool, God.
146 through 150-Praise the Lord. He’s cool, we don’t want to be miserable/die, so let’s praise Him.
THE END. No more fucking Psalms. Next up, Proverbs. Lovely.