Isaiah: Prophet of Doom!

Isaiah 1:1

This book is a collection of “visions” and prophecies about the future of Judah, made by a guy named Isaiah during the reigns of four different kings (possibly ranging from right before and right after the evil in Babylon.)

A Rebellious Nation- Israel is rebellious and does not know its place. Even an ox knows his master, but these Israelites are a headache. We have been beaten and captured, our cities left burnt and rotting. Had God not left us survivors, Judah would be another Sodom. Hear the words of God, He says that your ceremonies, your prayers, your sacrifices are bloody and meaningless to him. Instead, “Seek justice, encourage the oppressed.” Your cities used to be righteous and shine, but now your rulers are rebels and thieves. They “chase after gifts. They do not defend the cause of the fatherless.” Therefore, God will punish you, and purge you from the earth. He will replace you with righteous judges and return your cities to good.

The Mountain of the Lord-“In the last days” the mountain of God will be raised above all others, and peoples will flock to it. “Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore.” We will walk in the light of the Lord.

The Day of the Lord-The people of Israel are practicing the customs and religions of foreigners. They are chasing gold and other spectacles of wealth. Soon, they will be brought low; do not pity them. The Lord will be exalted and the proud men humbled. People will run in cowardice at the majesty of God.

3:1

Judgment on Jerusalem and Judah-God will take away the supplies of Israel. He will take away their strong leaders and prophets and replace them with children. The people will “oppress each other–man against man, neighbor against neighbor. The people of Judah are guilty, and they will be punished…. Youths oppress [the] people, women rule over them.” (Uh oh) “What do you mean by crushing My people and grinding the faces of the poor,” God asks. The women are haughty and flirtatious, so God will give them sores and make them bald! God will take away all of their fine clothing and accessories. You will be defeated in battle, left destitute until women are begging to end their disgrace. (Yikes)

The Branch of the Lord-When the day comes that the Lord “washes away the filth of the women of Zion,” it will be glorious. He will watch over His people and shelter them from wind and rain.

The Song of the Vineyard-The one I love has a vineyard. He works very hard on his vineyard and takes great care of it, but his grapes are bad. Why is this? Not sure, but I’ll tell you what I’m going to do about it. I’m going to destroy his vineyard. That will fix it. PS, my love is God and Israel is His vineyard.

Woes and Judgments-“Woe to those who add house to house and join field to field till no space is left, and you live alone in the land.” The Lord has declared that he will ruin mansions and ravage vineyards that are bigger than necessary. “Woe to those who rise early in the morning to run after their drinks, who stay up late at night till they are inflamed with wine.” I will destroy mankind for not understanding or respecting God, “with all their brawlers and revelers…. Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight…. Who acquit the guilty for a bribe but deny justice to the innocent.” God is gonna fuck some shit up over this, even the mountains will quake.

6:1

Isaiah’s Commission-I saw the Lord sitting upon His throne, there were these crazy, six-winged things I call seraphs flying above Him singing. The temple shook at their singing, and I thought I was ruined! I am unclean and imperfect, living amongst imperfect people. But a seraph dude took a live coal out of the fire (with tongs, obviously, seraphs burn too) and put them to my lips, freeing me from my sin. Then God decided to send me on an errand. He told me to make sure my people continued to act like jerks until God had destroyed everyone and everything. And I was like, ok sure. (You’ll remember that this isn’t the first time that God has led people to be naughty just so that He could destroy them.)

The Sign of Immanuel-One day, when Israel was making war on Judah, God sent me out to meet up with some guy at a pool. I was to tell him that his need to defeat and tear apart Judah was just not going to happen. Oh, and that he should talk to God. But the guy refused to talk to God, so I got testy. God decided that He would give the guy a sign. He would make a virgin pregnant with a kid named Jesus, jk, Immanuel. But before Immanuel could become a man, God would send in the Assyrians to destroy Judah. (Supposedly, this actually does refer to Jesus. Immanuel just means “God is with us.”)

Assyria, the Lord’s Instrument-God does that thing we just talked about. A priestess gives birth to a baby. The Lord spoke and said that before the baby could say “My mother,” God would call on the Assyrians and the Egyptians to destroy Judah.

Fear God-God told me not to do as my people were doing. They’re being naughty, and they’re gonna have a bad time.

9:1

To Us a Child is Born-But don’t worry! Because a child will be born, and he will lead our people and uphold righteousness! (Jesus again)

The Lord’s Anger Against Israel-God is so mad at Israel, that He’s gonna turn everyone into cannibals, brother eating brother, and still not be appeased in His anger.

God’s Judgment on Assyria-God will use Assyria to destroy his naughty people. He will use them like a tool, like an ax to do away with His people.

The Remnant of Israel-There may be a lot of you now, Israelites, but God is going to destroy you and only a remnant will remain.

The Branch from Jesse-A “branch” will sprout from Jesse (King David’s dad), and he’s gonna be an awesome dude. He will be a “banner” to his people and lead them back to greatness.

12:1

Songs of Praise-When that happens, you are gonna sing praises to the Lord like its your job.

(Most Christians believe that the portion of Isaiah that we just covered is the foretelling of the fall of Israel, the birth of Jesus and the rebirth of Israel. Never mind that twice it is stated that the child will already be alive when the Assyrians attack the Israelites or that nothing really fits except the virgin bit, but what the heck do I know? Let’s destroy some shit.)

A Prophecy Against Babylon-(This prophecy was made by an oracle but witnessed by Isaiah.)  I’m (God) going to destroy the hell out of Babylon. Even worse than I will destroy my own people. I’m gonna destroy it so much that nothing will ever be built on it again. (First of all, the people named in this passage, the Medes, did attack and take over Babylon. But they didn’t destroy it, they ruled it for a short time before losing it to the Persians. In fact, the city of Babylon survived for centuries, losing popularity only after years of infighting amongst the generals that Alexander the Great left in charge after his death. Secondly, memorize this passage. Pull it out if ever you need to threaten and seriously scare the hell out of someone. This shit is more terrifying than Liam Neeson trying to get his daughter back. Use wisely.)

A Prophecy Against Assyria-Oh, and I’ll destroy the Assyrians too. Fuck them.

A Prophecy against the Philistines-And the Philistines. They suck.

15:1

A Prophecy Against Moab-Yep, the Moabites too. There will be few survivors, and they will crawl to Israel on their knees.

An Oracle Against Damascus-(Hold on, God has plans for a lot of peoples.) Damascus is out too. I’m going to ruin it until it is nothing but a smoking, festering heap that no one wants. (Damascus, btw, still exists. As the capital city of Syria, it isn’t doing that well at the moment, but it still exists.)

18:1

A Prophecy Against Cush-Yep, I’ll destroy that too. Then the survivors will bring me gifts.

A Prophecy About Egypt-A gonna dry up the Nile (didn’t happen) and destroy them too. “In that day, the Egyptians will be like women. They will shudder.” But then they’ll love Me, so I’ll bless them. Then maybe a plague, that will draw them closer to Me. In fact, I think I’ll make Egypt, Assyria, and Israel my triad of awesome places once they all bow down and worship me.

A Prophecy Against Egypt and Cush-I’m gonna make the king of Assyria walk home naked as a warning to Egypt and Cush. It will show how hard core I am.

21:1

A Prophecy Against Babylon-Yep, still gonna kill ’em.

A Prophecy Against Edom-Kill.

A Prophecy Against Arabia-Kill.

There are more people to kill, but I’m tired. We’ll come back to it.

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