Isaiah 2: Continuation of Doom!

Isaiah 22:1

Let’s get back to decimating populations.

A Prophecy About Jerusalem-We already know I’m (God) going to wipe out Jerusalem, but let me add that nothing you can do or say will ever atone for your sin. I will destroy the rulers and one day replace them a new ruler who will be super cool.

A Prophecy About Tyre-I’m wiping out Tyre. Completely. She (Tyre) is a prostitute, so I’m destroying it, and no one will remember it for 70 years. After 70 years, the prostitute will come back, but all of the prostitution money will be mine.

The Lord’s Devastation of the Earth-I’m going to destroy the Earth. All of it, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. Afterward, I’ll just be sittin’ on my mountain, looking awesome!

25:1

Praise to the Lord-Hey all you proud nations out there! God is gonna so kill you. You’ll be sorry you didn’t praise Him!

A Song of Praise-The Lord is awesome! He is gonna wipe all of the sin from the Earth! Those of us who have been good (Isaiah includes himself in this, I think) will have to hide away until He’s done, because He’s about to mess some shit up.

Deliverance of Israel-Israel may have been naughty, and God may have wanted to destroy us, but we will make up for our sin. Then, God will crush all of the nations that have crushed Israel, and we will be free to go home and worship God.

t28:1

Woe to Ephraim-Everybody in Ephraim is drunk. “All the tables are covered with vomit.” God does not approve, so he’s going to wipe out the city.

Woe to David’s City-God will seek vengeance against Jerusalem; their festivals and sacrifices do not appease Him. He won’t destroy them completely though, just mostly.

Woe to the Obstinate Nation-Anyone who does stuff without consulting Me (God) or does stuff not in my “Spirit” is gonna get it. I tried to help you and keep you on the right path, but you’re so damn obstinate! Now I have to destroy your cities. Then, you’ll see that I’m the bestest God and worthy of your love! You’ll throw away your idols “like menstrual cloth” and we can all be friends again! I’ll give you whatever you want, destroy your enemies even, after you decide not to be assholes anymore.

31:1

Woe to Those Who Rely on Egypt-All ya’ll turds trying to get help from Egypt suck. I’m gonna screw you up. And then you’ll realize that I’m way cooler than they are.

The Kingdom of Righteousness-When a king rules in righteousness, everything is fabulous! And everybody knows their place.

The Women of Jerusalem-You ladies are way too complacent! I’m gonna teach you a lesson that will make you tremble. But afterward, I’ll be kind and promote peace.

Distress and Help-Lord, we are in serious distress, can you help us? You’re awesome, we love You! But uh… things aren’t going that well, so… help? (Then God speaks) Nah, I’m mad at you. I’m gonna let things get really bad, so that you’ll be really sorry for being turds, but then I’ll make everything great! At some unknown point in the future.

34:1

Judgment Against the Nations-“The Lord is angry with all nations,” so He is gonna fuck shit up.

Joy of the Redeemed-After He fucks shit up, and we’ve all learned our lesson, He is gonna make everything fabulous! Way fabulous. He’s even gonna make a highway for the righteous to walk, singing and dancing, back to Jerusalem.

Sennacherib Threatens Jerusalem-Sennacherib, king of Assyria, attacked and defeated many of the cities of Judah. The king sent one of his field commanders to Jerusalem, who tried to talk the people into just giving up and letting the Assyrians win.

37:1

Jerusalem’s Deliverance Foretold-When the king of Jerusalem (Hezekiah) and Isaiah found out, Isaiah foretold that the king of Assyria would not only lose, he would leave Jerusalem without fighting, and be put to the sword in his own land. When the king of Assyria heard this, he was like whatever, I eat other kings for breakfast.

Hezekiah’s Prayer-At this point, Hezekiah got desperate. He went to the temple of the Lord and begged for God’s help against the Assyrians.

Sennacherib’s Fall-And then, the Lord spoke through Isaiah; God said that He was really hacked off that the Assyrian king thought he stood a chance against God Himself. He also said that He would protect Jerusalem and drive the Assyrians away. Then the angel of the Lord went into the Assyrian camp and cut down 185,000 men. At which point, the Assyrians decided screw this and left. Some time later, Sennacherib was cut down in his temple by his own sons.

Hezekiah’s Illness-Hezekiah got sick, near death. He cried and prayed to God to save him. God decided to take pity, because Hezekiah had been a pretty good dude. So God told Isaiah how to make Hezekiah better and prolonged his life.

Envoys from Babylon-The king of Babylon sent envoys with gifts to Jerusalem to congratulate Hezekiah on getting over his illness. Hezekiah was excited to see them and showed them all around his palace. He showed them all of his riches and cool stuff. Once they left, Isaiah asked Hezekiah who they were and what they wanted; Hezekiah responded honestly that they were Babylonians and that he had shown them everything he had. Isaiah advised Hezekiah that the Babylonians would be back, but this time it would be to take all of the cool stuff Hezekiah had shown them.

40:1

Comfort for God’s People-We need to ready everything for God, make everything nice for when God delivers us all. Nations are nothing to God. He sets them up, then knocks them down. He is the everlasting God.

The Helper of Israel-I am God. I can do whatever I want. I picked Israel out of all the people I created to love. But you guys turned out to be jerks, so now I have to destroy you.

The Servant of the Lord-I will send you a servant who will bring “justice” to the nations. You have been naughty, awful children, but I will save you with my servant. (Jesus again?)

Song of Praise to the Lord-Sing praises to Me! I’m awesome! I’m gonna make your lives so amazingly fantastic! Unless you worship idols, in which case you’re gonna have a bad time.

Israel Blind and Deaf-Israel, you have been a real pain in the neck. So God had to punish you to show you the error of your ways.

Israel’s Only Savior-I (God) am your only savior. No one else can save you! Which I will do. In time.

God’s Mercy and Israel’s Unfaithfulness-I tried to be a good and caring God to you, Israel, but you sinned constantly and failed to sacrifice to Me. So I’m gonna have to destroy you. Apologies. Actually, sorry not sorry.

44:1

Israel the Chosen-But afterward, you’ll start to feel bad and call My name again. And I’ll redeem you.

The Lord, Not Idols-People who make idols are just the worst. And stupid for bowing down to man-made objects.

We will take another break here and finish up Isaiah next time. Notice there are some repeat stories about Hezekiah in this section–plus, the retreat and eventual death of Assyria and its king– that we had read about in prior books. So if the stories corroborate, it must be true, yeah?

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One thought on “Isaiah 2: Continuation of Doom!

  1. I guess you can’t really make a religion out of humans just constantly being human, but it’s weird how the author’s of the Bible always make God so surprised and disappointed by people being so unsurprisingly disappointing. Seems like after a while the wrath would turn into sarcasm and eventually into more of a wry, if exasperated, smartass comedy. Which more people would probably read. I know it seems like I’m being a smartass now, but really, wouldn’t the Bible make way more sense if the creator of the universe, in a moment of candid omniscience, would reveal that all the little dummies did all the little dumb things He knew they would. And then have the emotion that goes with that? Jaded resignation, maybe? Isn’t it weird that people want their supreme being to have all the same peevish little tantrums that they do? Why is that?

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