Ez E and the Living Dead!

Ezekiel 33:1

Ezekiel a Watchman- Son of man, I (God) am going to make you a watchman. Not like a cool, comic book watchman, but a watchman of Israel. That means that when I tell you that the people are being naughty (and they are, they always are) you have to tell them so. If you don’t I’ll kill you, ok? That way when you tell people they’re being naughty, they’ll have one more chance to change their ways and save themselves.

Jerusalem’s Fall Explained- The Israelites keep saying that they are masters of the land, and that the land will provide for them. Poppycock! They eat meat with the blood still in it and bang their neighbor’s wives and worship idols and shed blood and stuff. So how can they be masters of the land? I’ll (God) kill them and show them all who is master of whom.

Shepherds and Sheep- My (God’s) shepherds suck. They’ve only taken care of themselves and let their flocks go astray. So screw the shepherds; I’ll just tend to my own flocks, and then they will be much better off!

A Prophecy Against Edom- You guys were jerks to the Israelites in their time of need. So I (God) will utterly destroy you. Utterly. Then you’ll see how cool I am.

36:1

A Prophecy to the Mountains of Israel- Israel, you guys really screwed up, so I (God) destroyed you. You already know that. But I’m going to destroy those around you even worse. Then you can go back home and rebuild. You will be better than before, and you will love me the way you were supposed to the first time!

The Valley of Dry Bones- God put Ez E in the middle of a valley full of dry, human bones. Then God told Ezekiel to tell the bones that God was going to bring them back to life. Ezekiel was also supposed to tell the bones (these are Israelite bones) that God would restore them to their homes. Ezekiel did what he was supposed to, and then God made the bones into a living, Israelite army!

One Nation Under One King- Hey, son of man, make some sticks that have the two different house of Israel’s names on them. And then join them together. Because from now on, Israel will be one house, one nation.

A Prophecy Against Gog- (Gog is the chief prince of Meshech and Tubal, in the land of Magog… no idea.) Hey, Gog! You like to gather your hordes to attack and plunder quiet, unsuspecting peoples, and that is a shitty thing to do (never mind that it is the same thing  that I had my people to do take over the land of milk and honey. When you do it, it’s naughty). So I (God) will bring you to Israel, ready to attack, but then I will bring forth a great storm. Like Oklahoma great storm. It will fuck your shit up, and you and all of your men will die there. So, hah!

40:1

The New Temple Area- We’re going on another drug trip with good, ole Ez E. God took Ezekiel to the top of a high mountain in Israel. There was a city on one side and a gateway at the top. In the gateway, stood a man who appeared to be made of bronze. The man had a linen cord and a measuring rod and told Ezekiel to listen up.

The East Gate to the Outer Temple- The bronze dude went around this random temple (that just happened to exist in the middle of Ezekiel’s drug trip) and showed Ezekiel how long each wall of the outer temple should be. There are lots of alcoves and stuff, it is complicated stuff.

The Outer Court- Same, but with the inner court, obviously.

The North Gate- Measuring more stuff.

The South Gate- Same.

Gates to the Inner Court- I guess we’re building a new temple?

The Rooms for Preparing Sacrifices- More measuring, but this time there are tables with fun sacrificing implements.

Rooms for the Priests- More measuring of some Levite priest spaces.

The Temple- Lots and lots of measuring.

42:1

Rooms for the Priests- (Again) More rooms for the priestys, as well as some instructions about priest’s garments.

The Glory Returns to the Temple- Son of man, this is God speaking. I’m going to rest My sack here, in this temple forever. Let the Israelites know about this awesome new temple I built for them. Tell them how cool it is and how I carved palm trees all the fuck over it just for them.

The Altar- More measuring. Aaaaaaaaand we’re back to sacrificing lots of animals everyday. God wants particular types of animals sacrificed at different times of the day and in different gory ways.

The Prince, the Levites and the Priests- See this door, son of man? It has to remain shut, no one can go through this door! Because I (God) went through it. Maintain My rules inside this temple. Only particular Levites, the descendants of Zadok, who remained true to Me, are allowed in My temple. The priests have to wear special clothes, turbans and underwear. They can’t sweat on the special clothes. Ever. They can only marry virgins or the widows of other priests. More rules. They are to be judges to My people and to teach them what is clean and unclean. More rules. The priests cannot own anything. I am all they need.

45:1

Division of the Land- When the land is divided and given out, I (God) get a part of it for my sanctuaries and priests. The prince will get a part, and then the tribes get the rest. And this time, my prince won’t be an asshole, he’s going to be really cool!

Offerings and Holy Days- God explains all of the offerings He expects at certain times and on certain days. Lots of dead animals, mostly. On Sundays, the prince eats with God. Old feasts and festivals are to be resumed. The prince cannot take property from his people; he must give his own land as inheritance and nothing more.

The River From the Temple- God shows Ezekiel the river by the temple that will provide lots of fish and other cool stuff. Plus, there are cool trees around it!

The Boundaries of the Land- God tells Ezekiel to divide the land equally between all twelve tribes, except Joseph gets two shares. Aliens get land too. God tells Ezekiel to treat aliens as his own people.

48:1

The Division of the Land- This just describes where each tribe’s bit of land will be. There is also common land set aside to provide for the needs of city workers.

The Gates of the City- There’s a city in the middle of everything (I think) with entrances on each side for the use of different tribes. The city is to be named, “The Lord is There.”

Look, I found some pictures! (I don’t know how close they are, I wasn’t honestly paying that much attention.)

ezetempleezeland.gif

Well, that’s that. Looks like the Israelites are about to get their lives (and livelihoods) back. God seems to have quashed His mighty anger with the exhilarating thrill of designing a new space. Next up, Daniel. Which I will not post until I’m back from my Christmas travels. So on that note, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, I wish the best for you and yours on whatever holiday you plan to celebrate!

 

 

God Describes, Once Again, How He Will Kill Everyone

Ezekiel 17:1

Two Eagles and a Vine- Son of man, tell your people a story for Me (God). So there’s this eagle, right? The eagle swoops in and tears off the top of a tree; it carries the tree top off and plants it and stuff. Now the seeds it planted from the tree have a covenant with somebody, somebody really cool. But the roots break the covenant and try to get help from another eagle, which is not cool. If they don’t get the point of the story, the Babylonians are the first eagle, the Egyptians are the second eagle, and I’m super pissed that your people broke our covenant.

The Soul Who Sins Will Die- Ezekiel, people are saying that I (God) punish sons for their father’s sins! They say that I am unjust! I call bullshit! If a man is righteous, I save him; if his son is unrighteous, I kill him. But I do not punish a son for his father’s sins, I judge each man on his own virtues. How can they say that is unjust? They are the unjust ones. And one day I’m going to kill them for it, but I won’t enjoy it. (I think we’ve all seen that God is kind of full of shit on that one. He is often wiping out entire families for the sins of one person.)

A Lament for Israel’s Princes- This is a lament, use it only as a lament. Your mom was a lioness, and she raised a strong cub, who was feared. But then the dumb cub got lured in and caught by the Egyptians. So then your mother had another cub, but that dumb cub got lured in and caught by the Babylonians. Your mother was a vine, and you were a splendid vine, but then you were snatched up and taken into the desert, and now you’re a shitty vine.

20:1

Rebellious Israel-A bunch of elders got together and tried to question God. Then God used Ezekiel to tell them to fuck off. God had saved them from Egypt only to be defied. He was sick of their shit.

Judgment and Restoration- You guys suck. I (God) saved you and stuff, and you worshipped your idols instead of me! I mean, come on! Now I will judge you as a I judged your fathers on their way from Egypt through the desert. I’m going to punish you, and then you will know that I am God, not those other losers you’re all worshipping!

Prophecy Against the South- Son of man, tell everybody that the south is screwed. I’m gonna burn it down.

Babylon, God’s Sword of Judgment- I’m (God) gonna kill you with my sword. My sword is Babylon. You’re all gonna die, and no one will remember you.

22:1

Jerusalem’s Sins- What have the people of Israel done so wrong? Well let’s see, they’ve acted super gay. HA! JK. Once again, homosexuality is not even close to mentioned. Seriously though, they’ve shed innocent blood, not supported aliens or the poor, they’ve been adulterous, they’ve defiled their own sisters and sisters-in-law, they’ve defiled their neighbors wives, they haven’t kept the Sabbath holy, they’ve charged excessive interest and extorted their neighbors, they’ve lain with women while they were on their periods and unclean, and they keep honoring other gods. So, fuck them.

Two Adulterous Sisters- So there are two sisters who were born in Egypt. While still in their youth, they became prostitutes. Never mind why they might have done it, there is no excuse. Anyway, they later moved, got married (I’m assuming this; it never actually talks about them getting married) and had children. But they continued their dirty, prostituting ways. Which might have been ok, but the biggest problem is that the sisters were lusting after foreigners and sleeping with them. They were dirty, adulterous whores, so God took their children away (to be murdered), burnt their houses and had them killed. Brutally.

The Cooking Pot- Son of man, take down this date, because today is the day when the Babylonians lay siege to Jerusalem! Exciting, right? Then I will make the city like a cooking pot, boiling away at its people until all of the impurities have been burned up!

Ezekiel’s Wife Dies- Son of man, I’m (God) going to kill your favorite thing in the whole world: your wife. But don’t take off your turban (Yes, all cool dudes in the Bible wear turbans) or do any of the stuff you should do to mourn her. When the people ask why, tell them that I am going to take away the things the love, like their sanctuary and kids and stuff, but they are not to mourn! ‘Cause I said so.

25:1 

A Prophecy Against Ammon- And now comes that lovely time in every prophet’s book where God breaks down how dead all types of different peoples are going to be. Let’s begin: Fuck the Ammonites. They totally laughed at Israel and enjoyed seeing them ruined, so I (God) will ruin them too. I will “exterminate” them!

A Prophecy Against Moab- I’ll (God) only screw the Moabites. No extermination, just “punishment.”

A Prophecy Against Philistia- This time I (God) will “destroy those remaining.”

A Prophecy Against Tyre- I (these prophecy against things are always God) will destroy the city and bring the ocean in to cover Tyre up. And then I will kill all of its people. All of them. People will look for them, but they will not be found.

A Lament for Tyre- Ya’ll built a beautiful city. And you traded with people all over the known world. But none of your riches will save you now. Not after I’ve brought the sea in over your city and destroyed you completely.

28:1

A Prophecy Against the King of Tyre- Oh little king of Tyre, you think you’re so cool, but you are not. You think you are a god, but you are not. We’ll see how much of a god you are when you are killed by a bunch of uncircumcised foreigners.

A Prophecy Against Sidon- Sidon has been a shitty neighbor to the Israelites, so I’m going to kill them too. That way, when I’m done punishing My people, they can come home and live in peace without their shitty neighbors.

A Prophecy Against Egypt- Egypt is way too high and mighty; its people think that they created the Nile, but I created the Nile. So I will kill a bunch of them and scatter the rest for forty years, at which point I will bring them back to Egypt. I will also dry up their rivers. And they will never against be a powerful nation. Babylonians will attack them, conquer them and carry of their riches. (Again, I call bullshit on this one. Yes, one can argue that pharaoh was conquered by a Babylonian army at Carchemish, which did substantially erode Egypt’s power in the Middle East. But the people were not scattered for forty years, the rivers were not dried up and Egypt did re-emerge as a major power. Don’t let fake historians tell you otherwise.)

A Lament for Egypt- Egypt is fucked. I am going to destroy all of it. All of it. 

31:1 

A Cedar in Lebanon- There’s this tree, it is the tallest freakin’ tree you’ve ever seen. It is taller and way more proud than any other tree, so I’m going to cut it down. Then everyone will see that even the tallest tree can be destroyed by Me. That’s you Egypt; you’re the tree.

A Lament for Pharaoh- There is a pit where I’ve left all of the uncircumcised foreigners I’ve killed. The Edomites are there, the Assyrians are there, a bunch of people are there. I cut them all down with my sword and you, pharaoh, you and all of your people are next.

Well, let’s just end right there on such a positive note! We will finish Ezekiel next time! I bet it will be a blast!

Ezekiel Elikiel the Ganja

Ezekiel 1:1

Ezekiel was a priest, son of another priest, living as a slave under the Babylonians.

The Living Creatures and the Glory of the Lord– The hand of the Lord “was upon” Ezekiel, and he saw some scary shit:

 scaryshit

These fucking four-faced, goat-footed things flying around with fire and lightning. And each one had a wheel that followed it around. Not sure why, they just did. And when they flew their wings sounded like God’s voice. Above them, what I think is supposed to be heaven was visible, complete with a little God high up on His throne. Heaven looks like this, apparently:

moreshit

I know what you’re thinking, I just found some weird imagery from 80s rock band albums, but you’re wrong. These are the closest renderings I can find for what the book actually describes as the Cherubim and the shenanigans going on above them. And God didn’t look like some kindly, white bearded dude. No, sir. His top half looked like heated metal, and His bottom half was like fire, and there were rainbows and shit shining out of His head. If Ezekiel continued his drug usage throughout his book, this might be the best read of the Bible so far!

Ezekiel’s Call– Metal/fire God spoke to Ezekiel,calling him “son of man.” He told Ezekiel to go to the Israelites and spread His word. Then God gave Ezekiel a scroll with fun words on it like “woe,” “lament” and “mourning,” and Ezekiel ate it. He ate the scroll. Because God told him to. It tasted like honey. God told Ezekiel that the Israelites were hardheaded jack wagons who would not listen to him, but God would make Ezekiel even more hardheaded than the Israelites with a “forehead like the hardest stone, harder than flint.” That is hardheaded as fuck.

God set Ezekiel down, bitter and angry, amongst the Israelites. Ez E sat around for seven days trying to figure out how to talk to the impossible buttheads surrounding him.

Warning to Israel-After seven days, God again showed Himself to Ezekiel. He told Ezekiel that He had made him a “watchman for the house of Israel.” He also told Ezekiel not to try and save anybody that God had decided were naughty sinners and had marked for death. Oh, and that God intended to let the Israelites tie Ezekiel up and say horrible things to him, but he wouldn’t be able to fight back, because God would take his tongue and “stick [it] to the roof of [his] mouth” so that he would not be able to “rebuke” them. And when the time was right, God would open Ezekiel’s mouth to speak to His people through it. Ezekiel did as he was asked, probably because Cherubim look scary as hell.

4:1

Siege of Jerusalem Symbolized– But God wasn’t done with the demands! Ez E was also to draw the city of Jerusalem on a tablet, build toy siege  weapons and play out the siege of Jerusalem with the toys. Then, he was supposed to lay on his side for 390 days to symbolize that he was holding the sins of Israel on himself; 390 days symbolized the number of years that Israelis had been penalized for their sins. Then he was to turn onto the other side and do 40 more days to symbolize Judah’s sins. While doing this, God told him that he was supposed to eat barley cakes, using human excrement as fuel to make his cakes.

The only part of this that Ez E even argued about was the human excrement thing, so God agreed that he could use cow shit instead. Also, Ezekiel had to shave his head and his beard. With a sword.

A Prophecy Against the Mountains of Israel- God also wanted Ezekiel to tell His people how super dead they would be for disobeying the Lord.

7:1

The End Has Come- Today is the day, Ezekiel! Today I (God) reign havoc on my naughty children. I will kill, destroy, take and desecrate everything they hold dear! Tell them!

Idolatry in the Temple- Ez E is having a quiet day (for once) when metal/fire God picks him up by the hair and takes him on a Dickens/Christmas Carol-type trip, showing him different examples of the Israelites worshipping idols.

Idolaters Killed- At the end of the Dickens trip, God called for the guards of the city (Jerusalem) and a scribe, and they came. He told the scribe to go through the city, putting marks on the foreheads of those who disagreed with the idolatry happening in their city. God then told the guards to follow the scribe and kill all whom he did not place a mark on. “Slaughter old men, young med and maidens, women and children,” said God. So they did.

10:1

The Glory Departs From the Temple- God, His snazzy throne and His Cherubim settled into the temple in Jerusalem, talked to the scribe from above for a while and then left. Mostly, the passage is just Ez E re-descrbing Cherubim and realizing that they are called Cherubim. Horrifying image not seared into your brain? Let’s try again:

scaryshit

Horrifying.

Judgment on Israeli’s Leaders- God took Ez E to see some people that He was very angry with, because they were providing people with false prophecies. So God killed one of them right then, and then He told Ezekiel that He was going to kill and/or ruin everyone (one of God’s reasons for doing this is that people were spilling innocent blood, so… hypocrisy? Possibly.) Ezekiel got upset, because that included his family and friends, but God wasn’t about to back down because of some humanoid’s loved ones.

Promised Return to Israel- Actually, God did take some pity on Ez E and his loved ones. God promised that though he would drive his people out of their land and put them in slavery, He would eventually bring them back. But when they come back, God says, He is going to “remove from them their heart of stone and give the a heart of flesh.” Meaning that His people are suddenly going to do everything that He says. Because apparently He will have direct power over them in the future but not until after He punishes them? Does this guy hold absolute power or not; this book cannot decide!

12:1

The Exile Symbolized- Then God decided to have Ezekiel play charades with his fellow Israelites; he is told to pack his things and walk off into the sunset as if he were being banished into slavery. So he did. Afterward, God was upset because the people thought that Ezekiel was prophesying about a distant future that wouldn’t include them, but God was talking about right the fuck now.

False Prophets Condemned- God totally ripped the false prophets in Israeli, saying that He would destroy them all, and then the people would realize that the words of fake prophets are also fake and follow God.

Idolators Condemned- God decides that all He really needs to do to win hearts and minds is to get rid of the people leading the Israelites astray, like those who push foreign Gods.

Judgment Inescapable- God tells Ezekiel that everyone is super screwed. Even if Noah, Daniel and Job were still around, only those three would be saved; they wouldn’t be able to save those around them. But God also makes it clear that Ezekiel will see that all of this was warranted in the end. After lots of people are dead. It will all be worth it.

15:1

Jerusalem, A Useless Vine- Ezekiel tries to change God’s mind by pointing out that wood is of little use after it has been burned, comparing that to a people who would be put through all of the crap God was describing. To which God responded basically with, yeah whatever, still gonna do it. 

An Allegory of Unfaithful Jerusalem- When you were born, people of Israel, you were gross and no one wanted you. But then I (God) found you, bathed you and claimed you. I gave you boobs and hair and stuff and made you a queen (as a female, all that matters really is that Israel is beautiful, no wonder they went astray). But you took all of those things I gave you and turned them against Me! You are a prostitute! No, you’re an adulterous wife, because you give payment instead of receive payment from your lovers. You make Sodom appear righteous (God goes into some of what Sodom did wrong: they were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy; they were haughty and did detestable things. Not a word about homosexuality, yet again.) Because of all this, I will destroy and humiliate you! Then you will not be so haughty and proud in the future!

So there we go… Ezekiel is just another account of why God just had to reprimand His people. Or at least it is so far, there is a lot, lot more next time.

Lamenting the Roles of Gender in the Bible

Lamentations 1:1

Lamentations is one five-page poem bemoaning the fall of Israel. That’s it.

In the poem, Israel is of course a woman. She let others see her nakedness. She let pagan gods into her secret places. She let the enemy put their hands on her treasures. She. She. She did wrong.

The poem changes perspectives a few times; at one point, it is written from the perspective of “the man who has seen affliction” (3:1). The man, of course, suffers a lot but appears to have done little wrong to have earned it. He’s just the brunt of God’s anger. But the man keeps faith in God, because he knows that God alone can save him and his people. Then he begs God to forgive him and his people and restore them to their former glory.

So she fucked it up, but the man kept his wits about him and kept the faith. Accuse me of reading too much into the gendered terms used, but I don’t give a shit. She doesn’t even exist to have done wrong in this instance. She is a group of people, male and female, but that didn’t stop the author from painting the wrongs in completely feminine terms while painting the male figure as the voice of reason and righteousness. Not that this is the first instance of this in this book, but damn it, I’m tired of it.

Also, God shows classic signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There is no winning as the child of a narcissistic parent. Poor Israel.

Next up, Ezekiel.

The Fiery Close of Jeremiah!

Jeremiah 38:1

It’s the last section of Jeremiah, ya’ll!

Jeremiah Thrown into a Cistern- Jeremiah was preaching to the Israelites to go and live under the Babylonians, leaving the city to its ruin, which really pissed off some of the city officials. They accused him of trying to discourage the remaining soldiers defending Jerusalem and give up the city and flee. These guys went to the king to tell them what Jeremiah was doing, and the king told them to do with Jeremiah as they felt best. So they put him down a well. One palace official found out and told the king what had become of Jeremiah, and the king sent some guys to fish him out.

Zedekiah Questions Jeremiah Again- After saving Jeremiah’s life for the second time, King Zedekiah decided to question him a second time. Jeremiah refused to answer the king’s questions at first, fearing repercussions, but the king promised not to hurt Jeremiah. So Jeremiah told him what he had been preaching all along: leave and surrender to the Babylonians=living,  stay and try defend Jerusalem=death for the king and his family. Upon hearing this, the king released Jeremiah.

The Fall of Jerusalem-Zedekiah ignored Jeremiah’s warning, and because of it he faced some pretty serious consequences. Eventually, the Babylonians broke through Jerusalem’s wall; Zedekiah, his family and his officials tried to flee, but they were caught. The Babylonians killed all of Zedekiah’s sons and officials in front of him, then poked out his eyes and shackled him. Then they burned the city and carried off all but the poorest of its inhabitants. Though Jeremiah was also captured, God promised him freedom.

40:1

Jeremiah Freed- While the Babylonians were leading their new slaves back home, an official went to find Jeremiah. Once found, the official freed him and gave him the choice to either go to Babylon or back to Judah to live amongst his remaining people. Jeremiah picked Judah, and off he went.

Gedaliah Assassinated- Gedaliah was the guy whom the Babylonians had left in charge of the remaining Israelites. He was a good guy, and any Israelites who had scattered and hidden to avoid slavery came back to live and serve under him. But Ishmael, an Ammonite dude, soon attacked and killed Gedeliah and many of those working under him. He tried to carry off a bunch more to be slaves, but a group of Israelites attacked Ishmael, freeing the slaves, but failing to capture Ishmael.

Flight to Egypt-Once the small group of Israelites escaped Ishmael, they made for Egypt. On the way there, they stopped to ask Jeremiah (yes, he survived and is with the group) what God said they should do. God told them, through Jeremiah, that they were not under any circumstances to go to Egypt; they would be miserable and die there. But, they called Jeremiah a liar and went anyway. Then, God told Jeremiah that He intended to have His servant, Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon, capture Egypt and trash its temples.

44:1

Disaster Because of Idolatry- God is super pissed at this point. He rants to Jeremiah about the Israelites and their worship of foreign Gods. At this point, He is particularly irritated at the women and their worship of the Egyptian female god that is referred to as the “Queen of Heaven.” He then just restates how dead everybody is going to be when He gets done with them. I mean at this point, He has already done it once, so you think they would listen, but you would be wrong.

A Message to Baruch- Baruch seems to be Jeremiah’s scribe, and he called out to God asking for help because he was really miserable. Jeremiah told Baruch that God was going to destroy everybody, but God would let Baruch off of the hook for being a good kid.

A Message About Egypt- God gets super poetic about how dead He is gonna make Egypt. Real dead. It is a beautiful passage though.

A Message About the Philistines- Also gonna be super dead.

48:1

A Message About Moab- You guessed it, gonna be dead.

A Message About Ammon- Same.

A Message About Edom- Same.

A Message About Damascus- Same.

A Message About Kedar and Hazor- Same.

A Message About Elam-Same.

50:1

A Message About Babylon- Same. Super dead. Babylon might be the plaything of God, a tool used to punish His people, but He is still gonna fuck their shit up for doing the thing He made them do.

As a side not about these “A Message About” passages, they are beautifully written in a horrible, destroy everything way. I didn’t go into a lot of detail on these passages, because we’ve pretty much heard this stuff before in Isaiah. If you’ll remember, God wanted to bring destruction down on every nation that had either enslaved, attacked or just disliked His people (which is pretty much everybody). His end goal was not to completely destroy these people forever and ever, just to mostly destroy them and the repopulate the regions with people who were more God friendly.

52:1

The Fall of Jerusalem- We know this one, but this part goes into greater detail than earlier accounts. When the Babylonians besieged Jerusalem, it caused a horrible famine (as sieges often do). In the midst of the famine, the Babylonians broke through the outer wall, and Jerusalem’s army fled with King Zedekiah and his sons. We already know that the Babylonians caught up with and killed many of those who fled. As for Zedekiah, after he was brought to Babylon in chains, he was thrown into a prison cell, which is where he later died. The Babylonians burnt much of the city and carried off the riches from Solomon’s temple.

Jehoiachin Released- Jehoiachin was a one-time king of Judah who had been pretty decent to God, so God had promised him that he wouldn’t die a prisoner in Babylon. True to his word, Jehoiachin was released after being a prisoner for some time and allowed to dine with the King of Babylon as a free man.

Haven’t had enough of deathy things and destruction? Worry not! Lamentations is up next!

The Return of Jeremiah and My Dedication to This Project

Jeremiah 18:1

To all of my two readers: I’m sorry I’ve taken such a long hiatus. Actually, no I’m not. Sorry, not sorry. Onward.

So, we were reading the book of Jeremiah, whom if you will remember, was a prophet (a good one). So far, God has mostly (through Jeremiah) tried to warn the Israelites to quit being wankers. Which they absolutely refuse to do.

So yeah, 18:1

At the Potter’s House- (It isn’t ‘arry Potter’s house, and there is no magic… sigh.) God told Jeremiah to go to a potter’s house (actually pottery, like in Ghost), so Jeremiah did. He saw that the potter had misshapen the piece he was working on, and so he reshaped it into a new piece. God told Jeremiah that He intended to do the same with Israel. They were being naughty and needed to change their ways, so God would have to reshape them. When Jeremiah told the Israelites, they tried to kill him. At which point, Jeremiah was like, Hey God, remember how I stood up for these people and asked you to take pity on them? Screw that, they suck. God agreed.

Jeremiah and Pashhur- Pashhur was a priest, but not a very good one. When he heard Jeremiah prophesying that God was gonna destroy everyone, he had Jeremiah beaten and locked away. Jeremiah warned Pashhur that he would live to regret doing so.

Jeremiah’s Complaint- My life is awful! If I don’t pass on what God tells me, it burns inside of me like a fire. If I do preach what He has told me, everyone conspires against me! Curse the day I was born!

God Rejects Zedekiah’s Request-One day, the Babylonians began attacking Judah. At this point, King Zedekiah goes to Jeremiah to beg God’s help. To which God was like, Not only no, but fuck no. You earned this, and it hurts Me more than it hurts you.

22:1

Judgment Against Evil Kings- Judah’s king is a jerk. He spends more time building wealth for himself than he does defending “the cause of the poor and needy.” Because of this, he will be hurled from his city, and neither he nor his children will ever sit on the throne of David ever again.

The Righteous Branch- The shepherds of My (God) people have done a shitty job; My people are missing and scattered. So, I will destroy My shepherds and regather My people to live by My rule.

Lying Prophets-I will destroy the false prophets in this land. They pretend to speak My words, pretend to have dreams of My words, but they are liars who lead My people astray. I really hate them.

As a side note on this one, I found this passage particularly interesting: “They prophesied by Baal and led my people astray, and among the prophets of Jerusalem I have seen something horrible: they commit adultery and live a lie. They strengthen the hands of evildoers, so that no one turns from his wickedness. They are like Sodom to me; the people of Jerusalem are like Gomorrah.” 23:13 Interesting that God brings up Sodom and Gomorrah; He even lists some of the sins that remind Him of those cities that He destroyed, but not one mention of gay activity. Huh. More proof that the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah had not one fucking thing to do with gays? I think so.

False Oracles and False Prophets-Stop asking “what is the oracle of God?” Because it just ends up being the words of men, and men distort the words of God. Cut it out.

24:1

Two Baskets of Figs- God made two baskets of figs, one had really good figs and the other had bad figs that could not be eaten. God told Jeremiah that the two baskets were representative of His people. The good figs, God said, would be sent to Babylon, but God would watch over them, care for them and eventually bring them back to their own land to be His people. The bad figs, however, He would destroy completely and never allow back into Israel. (The bad figs were mostly the king and his officials).

Seventy Years of Captivity- I (God) have sent umpteen prophets to warn you not to be assholes, and yet assholes you remain. So, I’m going to let Babylon capture you and enslave you for seventy years. At which point, I will punish and destroy Babylon for doing that thing which I made them do.

The Cup of God’s Wrath-Jeremiah, take this cup. It is a cup filled with My (God’s) wrath. Make the leaders of the world drink it–all of them. I am about to fuck up “all who live on the earth.” 25:29  They will rue the day they did all of the things I told them not to do.

Jeremiah Threatened with Death- One day, Jeremiah was out preaching to people about changing their ways unless they wanted Jerusalem destroyed. A bunch city officials and prophets got angry about that, charged Jeremiah with being a false prophet and tried to sentence him to death. But Jeremiah warned them that he was the real deal, and if they chose to kill him they would be spilling innocent blood. That scared enough people that they decided not to kill God’s possible messenger.

27:1

Judah to Serve Nebuchadnezzar- God told Jeremiah to tell everyone (foreign envoys included) that they were to serve Babylon without question. And if anyone told them otherwise, they were false prophets. At some point, God added, I will change my mind and ruin Babylon, but for now do as they say.

The False Prophet Hananiah- Hananiah told everyone that God would destroy Babylon within two years, bringing the King of Judah and everyone else home to Judah. Obviously, Hananiah was full of crap, but the people believed him and rejoiced. So God killed him.

A Letter to the Exiles- God sent a letter to His people in exile. In it, He says that they need to multiply and help the city they had been taken to in Babylon prosper, because eventually God would free them. The wankers who stayed in Judah, however, and did not serve Babylon as told would be destroyed.

Message to Shemaiah- Shemaiah, a prophet, gave a false prophesy stating that God was going to punish Jeremiah for being a false prophet. This did not amuse God, so he cursed Shemaiah and his family line.

30:1

Restoration of Israel- I (God) know my people are crying and sad now, but I will restore them to even more glory than what they had before. I will set up a new covenant with My children, and they will all love Me equally from the least of them to the greatest. It’s gonna be awesome, guys!

Jeremiah Buys a Field- God had Jeremiah buy a piece of land as the Babylonians were laying siege to Jerusalem. Why would Jeremiah need a piece of land when Judah was about to be sacked and carried off to Babylon? Because God intended to restore His people to their lands.

Promise of Restoration- Just as I (God) have made a covenant with earth, controlling the day and night and laws of nature, I have a covenant with David and the Levites. Even though I’m destroying the hell out of everything now, I will honor those covenants. Once I’m done destroying everything, I will restore David’s line and the priesthood of the Levites. Then everyone will worship and serve Me, just like I want, and the world will bask in the glow of My nation and all of the good I do for them!

34:1

Warning to Zedekiah-While Nebuchadnezzar was laying siege to Jerusalem, God sent Jeremiah to Zedekiah, King of Judah, with a message. God told the king that He was handing over Jerusalem to Babylon, and that they would destroy the city. Zedekiah would be captured and taken to Nebuchadnezzar, but he would not be brutally killed. God promised Zedekiah a peaceful death and burial.

Freedom for Slaves- God told His people to free any slaves that they might have who were Jewish. So the people did it, but then they missed their Jewish slaves and took them as slaves again. God was angry, because His people were supposed to be freeing their countrymen after they had served seven years anyway, but not only had they not done that, they had also gone against His direct words. So He promised destruction on those with Jewish slaves.

The Recabites- The Recabites were a family a Jews. God had Jeremiah ask the family over and offer them wine, but the family would not accept or drink the wine. When asked why, they responded that their forefathers had told them not to, and that they had and would obey. God liked this, because His children had repeatedly ignored His words, yet these people had listened to their forefathers. Because of this, God promised that the Recabite family would never die out.

36:1

Jehoiakim Burns Jerusalem’s Scrolls- God had Jeremiah create a scroll that listed all of the Israelite’s misdeeds on them. Then God instructed that the scroll be read to His people. Jeremiah did so, but when the officials in the Jerusalem found out, they took the scroll to Jehoiakim, the king. Jehoiakim destroyed the scroll and instructed that Jeremiah be arrested, but Jeremiah had hidden. Then, God had Jeremiah create a second scroll and added that Jehoiakim would meet his doom because he had destroyed God’s scroll.

Jeremiah in Prison- One day, Jeremiah was arrested and accused of deserting to the Babylonians. Jeremiah was innocent, but he was beaten and put in prison. At this time, Zedekiah was king, and he secretly had Jeremiah brought to him, asking what God’s word was concerning the Babylonians. Jeremiah answered that Zedekiah and his city would be taken. Then Zedekiah had Jeremiah freed and fed bread in the city courtyard.

That is all for now, stay tuned for the last section of Jeremiah, in which he (apparently) ends up in the bottom of a cistern. Should be fun!