The Return of Jeremiah and My Dedication to This Project

Jeremiah 18:1

To all of my two readers: I’m sorry I’ve taken such a long hiatus. Actually, no I’m not. Sorry, not sorry. Onward.

So, we were reading the book of Jeremiah, whom if you will remember, was a prophet (a good one). So far, God has mostly (through Jeremiah) tried to warn the Israelites to quit being wankers. Which they absolutely refuse to do.

So yeah, 18:1

At the Potter’s House- (It isn’t ‘arry Potter’s house, and there is no magic… sigh.) God told Jeremiah to go to a potter’s house (actually pottery, like in Ghost), so Jeremiah did. He saw that the potter had misshapen the piece he was working on, and so he reshaped it into a new piece. God told Jeremiah that He intended to do the same with Israel. They were being naughty and needed to change their ways, so God would have to reshape them. When Jeremiah told the Israelites, they tried to kill him. At which point, Jeremiah was like, Hey God, remember how I stood up for these people and asked you to take pity on them? Screw that, they suck. God agreed.

Jeremiah and Pashhur- Pashhur was a priest, but not a very good one. When he heard Jeremiah prophesying that God was gonna destroy everyone, he had Jeremiah beaten and locked away. Jeremiah warned Pashhur that he would live to regret doing so.

Jeremiah’s Complaint- My life is awful! If I don’t pass on what God tells me, it burns inside of me like a fire. If I do preach what He has told me, everyone conspires against me! Curse the day I was born!

God Rejects Zedekiah’s Request-One day, the Babylonians began attacking Judah. At this point, King Zedekiah goes to Jeremiah to beg God’s help. To which God was like, Not only no, but fuck no. You earned this, and it hurts Me more than it hurts you.


Judgment Against Evil Kings- Judah’s king is a jerk. He spends more time building wealth for himself than he does defending “the cause of the poor and needy.” Because of this, he will be hurled from his city, and neither he nor his children will ever sit on the throne of David ever again.

The Righteous Branch- The shepherds of My (God) people have done a shitty job; My people are missing and scattered. So, I will destroy My shepherds and regather My people to live by My rule.

Lying Prophets-I will destroy the false prophets in this land. They pretend to speak My words, pretend to have dreams of My words, but they are liars who lead My people astray. I really hate them.

As a side note on this one, I found this passage particularly interesting: “They prophesied by Baal and led my people astray, and among the prophets of Jerusalem I have seen something horrible: they commit adultery and live a lie. They strengthen the hands of evildoers, so that no one turns from his wickedness. They are like Sodom to me; the people of Jerusalem are like Gomorrah.” 23:13 Interesting that God brings up Sodom and Gomorrah; He even lists some of the sins that remind Him of those cities that He destroyed, but not one mention of gay activity. Huh. More proof that the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah had not one fucking thing to do with gays? I think so.

False Oracles and False Prophets-Stop asking “what is the oracle of God?” Because it just ends up being the words of men, and men distort the words of God. Cut it out.


Two Baskets of Figs- God made two baskets of figs, one had really good figs and the other had bad figs that could not be eaten. God told Jeremiah that the two baskets were representative of His people. The good figs, God said, would be sent to Babylon, but God would watch over them, care for them and eventually bring them back to their own land to be His people. The bad figs, however, He would destroy completely and never allow back into Israel. (The bad figs were mostly the king and his officials).

Seventy Years of Captivity- I (God) have sent umpteen prophets to warn you not to be assholes, and yet assholes you remain. So, I’m going to let Babylon capture you and enslave you for seventy years. At which point, I will punish and destroy Babylon for doing that thing which I made them do.

The Cup of God’s Wrath-Jeremiah, take this cup. It is a cup filled with My (God’s) wrath. Make the leaders of the world drink it–all of them. I am about to fuck up “all who live on the earth.” 25:29  They will rue the day they did all of the things I told them not to do.

Jeremiah Threatened with Death- One day, Jeremiah was out preaching to people about changing their ways unless they wanted Jerusalem destroyed. A bunch city officials and prophets got angry about that, charged Jeremiah with being a false prophet and tried to sentence him to death. But Jeremiah warned them that he was the real deal, and if they chose to kill him they would be spilling innocent blood. That scared enough people that they decided not to kill God’s possible messenger.


Judah to Serve Nebuchadnezzar- God told Jeremiah to tell everyone (foreign envoys included) that they were to serve Babylon without question. And if anyone told them otherwise, they were false prophets. At some point, God added, I will change my mind and ruin Babylon, but for now do as they say.

The False Prophet Hananiah- Hananiah told everyone that God would destroy Babylon within two years, bringing the King of Judah and everyone else home to Judah. Obviously, Hananiah was full of crap, but the people believed him and rejoiced. So God killed him.

A Letter to the Exiles- God sent a letter to His people in exile. In it, He says that they need to multiply and help the city they had been taken to in Babylon prosper, because eventually God would free them. The wankers who stayed in Judah, however, and did not serve Babylon as told would be destroyed.

Message to Shemaiah- Shemaiah, a prophet, gave a false prophesy stating that God was going to punish Jeremiah for being a false prophet. This did not amuse God, so he cursed Shemaiah and his family line.


Restoration of Israel- I (God) know my people are crying and sad now, but I will restore them to even more glory than what they had before. I will set up a new covenant with My children, and they will all love Me equally from the least of them to the greatest. It’s gonna be awesome, guys!

Jeremiah Buys a Field- God had Jeremiah buy a piece of land as the Babylonians were laying siege to Jerusalem. Why would Jeremiah need a piece of land when Judah was about to be sacked and carried off to Babylon? Because God intended to restore His people to their lands.

Promise of Restoration- Just as I (God) have made a covenant with earth, controlling the day and night and laws of nature, I have a covenant with David and the Levites. Even though I’m destroying the hell out of everything now, I will honor those covenants. Once I’m done destroying everything, I will restore David’s line and the priesthood of the Levites. Then everyone will worship and serve Me, just like I want, and the world will bask in the glow of My nation and all of the good I do for them!


Warning to Zedekiah-While Nebuchadnezzar was laying siege to Jerusalem, God sent Jeremiah to Zedekiah, King of Judah, with a message. God told the king that He was handing over Jerusalem to Babylon, and that they would destroy the city. Zedekiah would be captured and taken to Nebuchadnezzar, but he would not be brutally killed. God promised Zedekiah a peaceful death and burial.

Freedom for Slaves- God told His people to free any slaves that they might have who were Jewish. So the people did it, but then they missed their Jewish slaves and took them as slaves again. God was angry, because His people were supposed to be freeing their countrymen after they had served seven years anyway, but not only had they not done that, they had also gone against His direct words. So He promised destruction on those with Jewish slaves.

The Recabites- The Recabites were a family a Jews. God had Jeremiah ask the family over and offer them wine, but the family would not accept or drink the wine. When asked why, they responded that their forefathers had told them not to, and that they had and would obey. God liked this, because His children had repeatedly ignored His words, yet these people had listened to their forefathers. Because of this, God promised that the Recabite family would never die out.


Jehoiakim Burns Jerusalem’s Scrolls- God had Jeremiah create a scroll that listed all of the Israelite’s misdeeds on them. Then God instructed that the scroll be read to His people. Jeremiah did so, but when the officials in the Jerusalem found out, they took the scroll to Jehoiakim, the king. Jehoiakim destroyed the scroll and instructed that Jeremiah be arrested, but Jeremiah had hidden. Then, God had Jeremiah create a second scroll and added that Jehoiakim would meet his doom because he had destroyed God’s scroll.

Jeremiah in Prison- One day, Jeremiah was arrested and accused of deserting to the Babylonians. Jeremiah was innocent, but he was beaten and put in prison. At this time, Zedekiah was king, and he secretly had Jeremiah brought to him, asking what God’s word was concerning the Babylonians. Jeremiah answered that Zedekiah and his city would be taken. Then Zedekiah had Jeremiah freed and fed bread in the city courtyard.

That is all for now, stay tuned for the last section of Jeremiah, in which he (apparently) ends up in the bottom of a cistern. Should be fun!



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