God Describes, Once Again, How He Will Kill Everyone

Ezekiel 17:1

Two Eagles and a Vine- Son of man, tell your people a story for Me (God). So there’s this eagle, right? The eagle swoops in and tears off the top of a tree; it carries the tree top off and plants it and stuff. Now the seeds it planted from the tree have a covenant with somebody, somebody really cool. But the roots break the covenant and try to get help from another eagle, which is not cool. If they don’t get the point of the story, the Babylonians are the first eagle, the Egyptians are the second eagle, and I’m super pissed that your people broke our covenant.

The Soul Who Sins Will Die- Ezekiel, people are saying that I (God) punish sons for their father’s sins! They say that I am unjust! I call bullshit! If a man is righteous, I save him; if his son is unrighteous, I kill him. But I do not punish a son for his father’s sins, I judge each man on his own virtues. How can they say that is unjust? They are the unjust ones. And one day I’m going to kill them for it, but I won’t enjoy it. (I think we’ve all seen that God is kind of full of shit on that one. He is often wiping out entire families for the sins of one person.)

A Lament for Israel’s Princes- This is a lament, use it only as a lament. Your mom was a lioness, and she raised a strong cub, who was feared. But then the dumb cub got lured in and caught by the Egyptians. So then your mother had another cub, but that dumb cub got lured in and caught by the Babylonians. Your mother was a vine, and you were a splendid vine, but then you were snatched up and taken into the desert, and now you’re a shitty vine.

20:1

Rebellious Israel-A bunch of elders got together and tried to question God. Then God used Ezekiel to tell them to fuck off. God had saved them from Egypt only to be defied. He was sick of their shit.

Judgment and Restoration- You guys suck. I (God) saved you and stuff, and you worshipped your idols instead of me! I mean, come on! Now I will judge you as a I judged your fathers on their way from Egypt through the desert. I’m going to punish you, and then you will know that I am God, not those other losers you’re all worshipping!

Prophecy Against the South- Son of man, tell everybody that the south is screwed. I’m gonna burn it down.

Babylon, God’s Sword of Judgment- I’m (God) gonna kill you with my sword. My sword is Babylon. You’re all gonna die, and no one will remember you.

22:1

Jerusalem’s Sins- What have the people of Israel done so wrong? Well let’s see, they’ve acted super gay. HA! JK. Once again, homosexuality is not even close to mentioned. Seriously though, they’ve shed innocent blood, not supported aliens or the poor, they’ve been adulterous, they’ve defiled their own sisters and sisters-in-law, they’ve defiled their neighbors wives, they haven’t kept the Sabbath holy, they’ve charged excessive interest and extorted their neighbors, they’ve lain with women while they were on their periods and unclean, and they keep honoring other gods. So, fuck them.

Two Adulterous Sisters- So there are two sisters who were born in Egypt. While still in their youth, they became prostitutes. Never mind why they might have done it, there is no excuse. Anyway, they later moved, got married (I’m assuming this; it never actually talks about them getting married) and had children. But they continued their dirty, prostituting ways. Which might have been ok, but the biggest problem is that the sisters were lusting after foreigners and sleeping with them. They were dirty, adulterous whores, so God took their children away (to be murdered), burnt their houses and had them killed. Brutally.

The Cooking Pot- Son of man, take down this date, because today is the day when the Babylonians lay siege to Jerusalem! Exciting, right? Then I will make the city like a cooking pot, boiling away at its people until all of the impurities have been burned up!

Ezekiel’s Wife Dies- Son of man, I’m (God) going to kill your favorite thing in the whole world: your wife. But don’t take off your turban (Yes, all cool dudes in the Bible wear turbans) or do any of the stuff you should do to mourn her. When the people ask why, tell them that I am going to take away the things the love, like their sanctuary and kids and stuff, but they are not to mourn! ‘Cause I said so.

25:1 

A Prophecy Against Ammon- And now comes that lovely time in every prophet’s book where God breaks down how dead all types of different peoples are going to be. Let’s begin: Fuck the Ammonites. They totally laughed at Israel and enjoyed seeing them ruined, so I (God) will ruin them too. I will “exterminate” them!

A Prophecy Against Moab- I’ll (God) only screw the Moabites. No extermination, just “punishment.”

A Prophecy Against Philistia- This time I (God) will “destroy those remaining.”

A Prophecy Against Tyre- I (these prophecy against things are always God) will destroy the city and bring the ocean in to cover Tyre up. And then I will kill all of its people. All of them. People will look for them, but they will not be found.

A Lament for Tyre- Ya’ll built a beautiful city. And you traded with people all over the known world. But none of your riches will save you now. Not after I’ve brought the sea in over your city and destroyed you completely.

28:1

A Prophecy Against the King of Tyre- Oh little king of Tyre, you think you’re so cool, but you are not. You think you are a god, but you are not. We’ll see how much of a god you are when you are killed by a bunch of uncircumcised foreigners.

A Prophecy Against Sidon- Sidon has been a shitty neighbor to the Israelites, so I’m going to kill them too. That way, when I’m done punishing My people, they can come home and live in peace without their shitty neighbors.

A Prophecy Against Egypt- Egypt is way too high and mighty; its people think that they created the Nile, but I created the Nile. So I will kill a bunch of them and scatter the rest for forty years, at which point I will bring them back to Egypt. I will also dry up their rivers. And they will never against be a powerful nation. Babylonians will attack them, conquer them and carry of their riches. (Again, I call bullshit on this one. Yes, one can argue that pharaoh was conquered by a Babylonian army at Carchemish, which did substantially erode Egypt’s power in the Middle East. But the people were not scattered for forty years, the rivers were not dried up and Egypt did re-emerge as a major power. Don’t let fake historians tell you otherwise.)

A Lament for Egypt- Egypt is fucked. I am going to destroy all of it. All of it. 

31:1 

A Cedar in Lebanon- There’s this tree, it is the tallest freakin’ tree you’ve ever seen. It is taller and way more proud than any other tree, so I’m going to cut it down. Then everyone will see that even the tallest tree can be destroyed by Me. That’s you Egypt; you’re the tree.

A Lament for Pharaoh- There is a pit where I’ve left all of the uncircumcised foreigners I’ve killed. The Edomites are there, the Assyrians are there, a bunch of people are there. I cut them all down with my sword and you, pharaoh, you and all of your people are next.

Well, let’s just end right there on such a positive note! We will finish Ezekiel next time! I bet it will be a blast!

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One thought on “God Describes, Once Again, How He Will Kill Everyone

  1. On the shelf at the bookstore, right next to the King James and the New Revised Standard, there needs to be The Nichols448 Paraphrased. Or whatever clever thing you come up with for a title. You are at the top of your commentary form when you’re translating bullshit into satire. This is so good.

    Like

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