Ez E and the Living Dead!

Ezekiel 33:1

Ezekiel a Watchman- Son of man, I (God) am going to make you a watchman. Not like a cool, comic book watchman, but a watchman of Israel. That means that when I tell you that the people are being naughty (and they are, they always are) you have to tell them so. If you don’t I’ll kill you, ok? That way when you tell people they’re being naughty, they’ll have one more chance to change their ways and save themselves.

Jerusalem’s Fall Explained- The Israelites keep saying that they are masters of the land, and that the land will provide for them. Poppycock! They eat meat with the blood still in it and bang their neighbor’s wives and worship idols and shed blood and stuff. So how can they be masters of the land? I’ll (God) kill them and show them all who is master of whom.

Shepherds and Sheep- My (God’s) shepherds suck. They’ve only taken care of themselves and let their flocks go astray. So screw the shepherds; I’ll just tend to my own flocks, and then they will be much better off!

A Prophecy Against Edom- You guys were jerks to the Israelites in their time of need. So I (God) will utterly destroy you. Utterly. Then you’ll see how cool I am.

36:1

A Prophecy to the Mountains of Israel- Israel, you guys really screwed up, so I (God) destroyed you. You already know that. But I’m going to destroy those around you even worse. Then you can go back home and rebuild. You will be better than before, and you will love me the way you were supposed to the first time!

The Valley of Dry Bones- God put Ez E in the middle of a valley full of dry, human bones. Then God told Ezekiel to tell the bones that God was going to bring them back to life. Ezekiel was also supposed to tell the bones (these are Israelite bones) that God would restore them to their homes. Ezekiel did what he was supposed to, and then God made the bones into a living, Israelite army!

One Nation Under One King- Hey, son of man, make some sticks that have the two different house of Israel’s names on them. And then join them together. Because from now on, Israel will be one house, one nation.

A Prophecy Against Gog- (Gog is the chief prince of Meshech and Tubal, in the land of Magog… no idea.) Hey, Gog! You like to gather your hordes to attack and plunder quiet, unsuspecting peoples, and that is a shitty thing to do (never mind that it is the same thing  that I had my people to do take over the land of milk and honey. When you do it, it’s naughty). So I (God) will bring you to Israel, ready to attack, but then I will bring forth a great storm. Like Oklahoma great storm. It will fuck your shit up, and you and all of your men will die there. So, hah!

40:1

The New Temple Area- We’re going on another drug trip with good, ole Ez E. God took Ezekiel to the top of a high mountain in Israel. There was a city on one side and a gateway at the top. In the gateway, stood a man who appeared to be made of bronze. The man had a linen cord and a measuring rod and told Ezekiel to listen up.

The East Gate to the Outer Temple- The bronze dude went around this random temple (that just happened to exist in the middle of Ezekiel’s drug trip) and showed Ezekiel how long each wall of the outer temple should be. There are lots of alcoves and stuff, it is complicated stuff.

The Outer Court- Same, but with the inner court, obviously.

The North Gate- Measuring more stuff.

The South Gate- Same.

Gates to the Inner Court- I guess we’re building a new temple?

The Rooms for Preparing Sacrifices- More measuring, but this time there are tables with fun sacrificing implements.

Rooms for the Priests- More measuring of some Levite priest spaces.

The Temple- Lots and lots of measuring.

42:1

Rooms for the Priests- (Again) More rooms for the priestys, as well as some instructions about priest’s garments.

The Glory Returns to the Temple- Son of man, this is God speaking. I’m going to rest My sack here, in this temple forever. Let the Israelites know about this awesome new temple I built for them. Tell them how cool it is and how I carved palm trees all the fuck over it just for them.

The Altar- More measuring. Aaaaaaaaand we’re back to sacrificing lots of animals everyday. God wants particular types of animals sacrificed at different times of the day and in different gory ways.

The Prince, the Levites and the Priests- See this door, son of man? It has to remain shut, no one can go through this door! Because I (God) went through it. Maintain My rules inside this temple. Only particular Levites, the descendants of Zadok, who remained true to Me, are allowed in My temple. The priests have to wear special clothes, turbans and underwear. They can’t sweat on the special clothes. Ever. They can only marry virgins or the widows of other priests. More rules. They are to be judges to My people and to teach them what is clean and unclean. More rules. The priests cannot own anything. I am all they need.

45:1

Division of the Land- When the land is divided and given out, I (God) get a part of it for my sanctuaries and priests. The prince will get a part, and then the tribes get the rest. And this time, my prince won’t be an asshole, he’s going to be really cool!

Offerings and Holy Days- God explains all of the offerings He expects at certain times and on certain days. Lots of dead animals, mostly. On Sundays, the prince eats with God. Old feasts and festivals are to be resumed. The prince cannot take property from his people; he must give his own land as inheritance and nothing more.

The River From the Temple- God shows Ezekiel the river by the temple that will provide lots of fish and other cool stuff. Plus, there are cool trees around it!

The Boundaries of the Land- God tells Ezekiel to divide the land equally between all twelve tribes, except Joseph gets two shares. Aliens get land too. God tells Ezekiel to treat aliens as his own people.

48:1

The Division of the Land- This just describes where each tribe’s bit of land will be. There is also common land set aside to provide for the needs of city workers.

The Gates of the City- There’s a city in the middle of everything (I think) with entrances on each side for the use of different tribes. The city is to be named, “The Lord is There.”

Look, I found some pictures! (I don’t know how close they are, I wasn’t honestly paying that much attention.)

ezetempleezeland.gif

Well, that’s that. Looks like the Israelites are about to get their lives (and livelihoods) back. God seems to have quashed His mighty anger with the exhilarating thrill of designing a new space. Next up, Daniel. Which I will not post until I’m back from my Christmas travels. So on that note, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, I wish the best for you and yours on whatever holiday you plan to celebrate!

 

 

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One thought on “Ez E and the Living Dead!

  1. I will miss Ez E. And all the measuring. Also, that’s and OUTSTANDING header picture. I’m going to make it my wallpaper and maybe next year’s Christmas card!

    Like

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