Groundhog’s Day #112

Micah 1:1

Micah was another one of those either a prophet or a dude on a lot of drugs type of guys.

Judgment Against Samaria and Jerusalem- They (Samaria and Jerusalem) worship idols. Dead. Totally gonna be dead.

Weeping and Mourning- After I (God) kill all of you, I intend to go about crying and mourning. I suggest you do the same now, because I’m about to kill your children.

Man’s Plans and God’s- You fuckers (Israelites) are defrauding the poor and stealing the inheritance of others. Just another reason to kill all of you.

False Prophets- You guys suck so badly that you deserve the false prophets who lie to your faces.

Deliverance Promised- But I will bring you guys back together one day. It will be like a cool reunion. Like if the cast of Firefly got back together (please get back together!!!)

3:1

Leaders and Prophets Rebuked– This is mostly the fault of the leaders and false prophets who led my people astray. Everyone is gonna die, and it will mostly be their fault!

The Mountains of the Lord- In the future, when I stop punishing you guys and bring you all back together for our reunion, there will be no more war! Everyone will live in peace. “All the nations may walk in the name of their gods; we will walk in the name of the Lord our God forever and ever. 4:5” It’ll be like that song John Lennon wrote.

The Lord’s Plan– Scratch that John Lennon thing. Once I bring you back together, you’ll tear apart nations that I don’t like. And you’ll all love me. Like, a lot!

5:1

A Promised Ruler from Bethlehem- A guy from Bethlehem is gonna be your leader and lead you to greatness!

Deliverance and Destruction- Once My people have learned their lesson, I will deliver them and completely fucking destroy My, I mean our, enemies with them.

The Lord’s Case Against Israel- I have done some pretty fantastic shit to prove Myself to you guys. What do I require in return? Your cows, your children? No. Only that you act with mercy and walk humbly beside Me.

Israel’s Guilt and Punishment- You guys lie, steal and cheat. Why would I acquit you of those sins? I won’t. I’ll kill you.

7:1

Israel’s Misery- Woe is me (Micah, I think)!!! You guys suck, and we’re all going to be punished for it! You won’t be able to trust anyone, not even your own children! It will be chaos when God reigns punishment down on all of us!

Israel Will Rise- Though Israel falls, it’s enemies should not gloat! Because we will be back! And we will fuck their shit up!

Prayer and Praise- When Israel does rise up, it will scare the shit out of everyone else! They will come to Israel, trembling and in fear of our God! It will be awesome!

The end!

As always, nations were referred to throughout as “she,” and “she” is always the sinner and the one to be punished for “her” sins.

Up next, Nahun!

 

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There’s Not an Actual Whale in this Tale?!?!

Jonah 1:1

Jonah Flees From the Lord- God wanted Jonah to go to Nineveh to “preach against” it. God wanted to destroy the city for being naughty, but being a stand-up guy, He didn’t want to destroy it without proper warning. Jonah decided to not do as the Lord had asked and ran away instead. In his flight from God, Jonah boarded a ship and set out to sea. This, understandably, really pissed God off, and He sent a horrible storm to Jonah’s ship. All of the men on the ship were terrified and prayed to their individual gods. Throughout all of this, Jonah is fucking sleeping away below decks. The captain found Jonah, and was like dude, the fuck? So Jonah got his lazy ass out of bed, and all of the men on the boat cast lots to decide who was at fault for the storm. The lot, of course, fell to Jonah (because he did, after all, cause it). Now, Jonah had already told the other men on the boat that he was running form God, but apparently that didn’t bother them until the storm and stuff had happened. Jonah told the guys to throw him into the sea and save themselves. At first, the guys refuse and tried to row back to land, but as the storm worsened, they changed their minds and threw Jonah out to sea. They apologized profusely of course, asked forgiveness from God and even sacrificed stuff to Him, so it’s almost like they didn’t kill a guy. But God took pity and sent a fish (not whale) to eat Jonah. And there, in the fish’s tummy, Jonah stayed for three days and three nights.

2:1

Jonah’s Prayer- Jonah decided that being alive inside of a fish was way better than being dead in the sea. He prayed to God, thanking Him for His kindness and vowing to be the best, little Israelite forever after. At which point, God takes pity on Jonah again and “commanded” the fish to “vomit Jonah up on dry land.” Lovely.

Jonah Goes to Nineveh- God asked Jonah, again, to go to Nineveh and preach His word. This time Jonah obeyed. Jonah warned the people that they had been naughty, that God intended to punish them and that they needed to repent. And they repented. No seriously, they fucking repented. They fasted, put on sackcloth and quit being dicks. And guess what? God took mercy on them and did not bring destruction down upon them. Like what?

4:1

Jonah’s Anger at the Lord’s Compassion- What the title says: Jonah becomes pissed that the Lord didn’t do what He said He was going to do, and told the Lord as much. To which, God responded with shut up, pipsqueak. But Jonah wanted to be a little bitch, so he went off on his own to pout. While pouting, God grew a vine for Jonah, to shield him from the sun. Jonah loved his vine. Then God killed Jonah’s vine, meaning Jonah had no relief from the sun, which made Jonah want to die. (Jonah is seriously a shithead.) Then God spoke to Jonah, why should you be mad about that vine? You didn’t do anything to tend it. I did that. Why should you care? But Nineveh is a great city with many people in it (most of them idiots), why should I not look after them? Ok, God didn’t call the people of Nineveh idiots, but He did say that they “cannot tell their right from their left,” so maybe he meant innocent and naive? I’m sticking with idiots.

The end!

Next up, Micah, followed by six more of these repetitive prophet, book things.

 

Groundhog’s Day #89

Obadiah 1:1

Obadiah has either a) visions from God or b) really good shrooms.

Here is his vision:

God spoke of the people of Edom, and His opinion of those people is not very high. He thinks they’re a bunch of proud bastards. Which God intends to change by setting everyone, friend or foe, against Edom. Their crime? Basking in the subtle glow of the destruction of Judah. Also not helping the Israelites; that was bad too. (I guess something about seeing a people in desperate need of help but doing nothing to help those people gets God’s goat.) God is going to completely destroy Edom, and when He is done being mad this His own people, He will bring them back to live in the land that was once Edom, so HAH!

The end!

Up next, Jonah!

Groundhog’s Day #72

Amos 1:1

Amos was an Israelite shepherd before either Israel or Judah had fallen.

Judgment on Israel’s Neighbors- I (God) will violently kill everyone in Damascus, Gaza, Tyre, Moab and Ammon. Because they made war on Gilead and carried people off into slavery (on my command). I will also violently kill many people in Judah for worshipping foreign gods (not on my command).

Judgment on Israel- Israel isn’t getting away unscathed; I’ll violently kill a bunch of them too. They mistreated the poor for their own gain and drank too much.

3:1

Witnesses Summoned Against Israel- The witness against Israel is Me, God. You guys suck, and I’m gonna fuck your shit up. You think you’re so cool in your mansions with your ivory and stuff, but that will be the first to go!

Israel Has Not Returned to God- I’ve already done a lot of messed up shit to you guys, but you just don’t quit! I sent plagues and withheld rain, but to no avail! You continue to sin and then sacrifice to Me as if I don’t know what you’ve been up to! Not only that, you brag about how much you sacrifice to me, like you should get a damn award or something. I did a lot of bad shit to you, but you’re still being assholes, so now I’m gonna do more bad shit and hope that this bad shit works better than the previous bad shit to make you love Me.

5:1

A Lament and Call to Repentance- Now, guys, I might let you by with a pass if you will stop screwing over the needy. You fuck them over for your own gain; you fuck them over in court. Just stop it. If not, I will go Almighty God on your asses!

The Day of the Lord- In honor of how much sucking you guys do, I’m going to make a special day. We shall call it, the purge. It’s the day when I kill you.

6:1

Woe to the Complacent- The complacent are the worst of all. They just sit around being all rich and annoying. I think I’ll kill them first.

The Lord Abhors the Pride of Israel- I hate how prideful you bastards are! Just another reason for death and destruction.

Locusts, Fire and a Plum Line- God showed me (Amos) that He intended to eat up all of the crops with locusts, but I asked Him not to. He said ok. Then He intended to burn all of the crops with fire. I asked him not to, and He again agreed. But then God explained to me that the Israelites had been really naughty, and He could not let them off scot-free. So God showed me a plum line (a string with a weight on the end to measure vertical lines), and He told me that this is what He would do with the Israelites. He’s gonna set their shit straight.

Amos and Amaziah- Amaziah, a priest, told the Israelite king that Amos was acting as a false prophet, telling people they were gonna die and shit. Amos wasn’t phased; he told Amaziah that he was being a prat, and because of that his wife would end up a prostitute, his children would die, his land and possessions would be lost and he would die in an “unclean” country. Also, Amos added, the Israelites most certainly will die, so shut the fuck up.

8:1

A Basket of Ripe Fruit- You see this basket of ripe fruit, Amos? I’m (God) showing you this fruit, because the time is ripe for me to wipe out your people. Cool metaphor, huh? I love metaphors.

Israel to be Destroyed- Yeah, it’s time. I’m going to kill everyone. E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E.

Israel’s Restoration- Well, not everyone. I’ll bring some of them back later to live in the land again once I’ve cooled down. And then I’ll never make them leave it again. Never. Again.

The end!

Up next, Obadiah!

 

This Part of the Bible is Basically just Groundhog’s Day

Joel 1:1

Joel was the son of Pethuel, whomever that was, and God liked to talk to him.

An Invasion of Locusts-You guys (the Israelites) are dicks. You drink all of the time, and you’ve just become a different people all together. So I’m (God) going to destroy everything. I know I’ve said this many, many times, but I will for real do it.

A Call to Repentance-Hey, God, Joel here. We’re really sorry. I’m gonna try and get some priests together and start a fast among the people to show you how sorry we all are. We all really miss food and stuff, so… yeah, we’re sorry.

2:1

An Army of Locusts-God is pissed, I mean really pissed. He is going to lead a thundering army over all of us and leave nothing but destruction in His wake.

Rend Your Heart-Yeah, God, I’m still trying to get people together to do that prayer, fast thing. Just give me a little time, ok?

The Lord’s Answer-Yeah, sure. Just repent and stuff and I’ll give you guys everything you could ever want.

The Day of the Lord-I mean, I’m (God) gonna do some weird shit, either way. I’m going to turn the sun to darkness and the moon to blood, but if you repent, I’ll protect you from the weird shit.

3:1

The Nations Judged-And I’m warning all of those nations who carried off my people (Yes, I realize made you do those things, and no, I don’t give a shit. I’m holding you responsible.), I will seek revenge for them. I will, in turn sell your children as slaves to Judah after I restore them to awesomeness. And, remember that weird shit? The dark sun and bloody moon? That’s for you guys, you other nations who took my people off (under my wishes). You’re gonna really regret doing what I made you do.

Blessings for God’s People-And then you’ll know what I am the coolest, most amazing God ever! My people and lands will flourish while all of you other stupid nations die out and disappear. So there!

The end!

Up next, Amos, followed by a host of tiny, 2-3 page repeats of this same thing that we’ve already heard over and over again. Feel free to tune out until Jonah; I think there’s a whale in that one. Could be fun.