This Part of the Bible is Basically just Groundhog’s Day

Joel 1:1

Joel was the son of Pethuel, whomever that was, and God liked to talk to him.

An Invasion of Locusts-You guys (the Israelites) are dicks. You drink all of the time, and you’ve just become a different people all together. So I’m (God) going to destroy everything. I know I’ve said this many, many times, but I will for real do it.

A Call to Repentance-Hey, God, Joel here. We’re really sorry. I’m gonna try and get some priests together and start a fast among the people to show you how sorry we all are. We all really miss food and stuff, so… yeah, we’re sorry.

2:1

An Army of Locusts-God is pissed, I mean really pissed. He is going to lead a thundering army over all of us and leave nothing but destruction in His wake.

Rend Your Heart-Yeah, God, I’m still trying to get people together to do that prayer, fast thing. Just give me a little time, ok?

The Lord’s Answer-Yeah, sure. Just repent and stuff and I’ll give you guys everything you could ever want.

The Day of the Lord-I mean, I’m (God) gonna do some weird shit, either way. I’m going to turn the sun to darkness and the moon to blood, but if you repent, I’ll protect you from the weird shit.

3:1

The Nations Judged-And I’m warning all of those nations who carried off my people (Yes, I realize made you do those things, and no, I don’t give a shit. I’m holding you responsible.), I will seek revenge for them. I will, in turn sell your children as slaves to Judah after I restore them to awesomeness. And, remember that weird shit? The dark sun and bloody moon? That’s for you guys, you other nations who took my people off (under my wishes). You’re gonna really regret doing what I made you do.

Blessings for God’s People-And then you’ll know what I am the coolest, most amazing God ever! My people and lands will flourish while all of you other stupid nations die out and disappear. So there!

The end!

Up next, Amos, followed by a host of tiny, 2-3 page repeats of this same thing that we’ve already heard over and over again. Feel free to tune out until Jonah; I think there’s a whale in that one. Could be fun.

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