Groundhog’s Day #72

Amos 1:1

Amos was an Israelite shepherd before either Israel or Judah had fallen.

Judgment on Israel’s Neighbors- I (God) will violently kill everyone in Damascus, Gaza, Tyre, Moab and Ammon. Because they made war on Gilead and carried people off into slavery (on my command). I will also violently kill many people in Judah for worshipping foreign gods (not on my command).

Judgment on Israel- Israel isn’t getting away unscathed; I’ll violently kill a bunch of them too. They mistreated the poor for their own gain and drank too much.

3:1

Witnesses Summoned Against Israel- The witness against Israel is Me, God. You guys suck, and I’m gonna fuck your shit up. You think you’re so cool in your mansions with your ivory and stuff, but that will be the first to go!

Israel Has Not Returned to God- I’ve already done a lot of messed up shit to you guys, but you just don’t quit! I sent plagues and withheld rain, but to no avail! You continue to sin and then sacrifice to Me as if I don’t know what you’ve been up to! Not only that, you brag about how much you sacrifice to me, like you should get a damn award or something. I did a lot of bad shit to you, but you’re still being assholes, so now I’m gonna do more bad shit and hope that this bad shit works better than the previous bad shit to make you love Me.

5:1

A Lament and Call to Repentance- Now, guys, I might let you by with a pass if you will stop screwing over the needy. You fuck them over for your own gain; you fuck them over in court. Just stop it. If not, I will go Almighty God on your asses!

The Day of the Lord- In honor of how much sucking you guys do, I’m going to make a special day. We shall call it, the purge. It’s the day when I kill you.

6:1

Woe to the Complacent- The complacent are the worst of all. They just sit around being all rich and annoying. I think I’ll kill them first.

The Lord Abhors the Pride of Israel- I hate how prideful you bastards are! Just another reason for death and destruction.

Locusts, Fire and a Plum Line- God showed me (Amos) that He intended to eat up all of the crops with locusts, but I asked Him not to. He said ok. Then He intended to burn all of the crops with fire. I asked him not to, and He again agreed. But then God explained to me that the Israelites had been really naughty, and He could not let them off scot-free. So God showed me a plum line (a string with a weight on the end to measure vertical lines), and He told me that this is what He would do with the Israelites. He’s gonna set their shit straight.

Amos and Amaziah- Amaziah, a priest, told the Israelite king that Amos was acting as a false prophet, telling people they were gonna die and shit. Amos wasn’t phased; he told Amaziah that he was being a prat, and because of that his wife would end up a prostitute, his children would die, his land and possessions would be lost and he would die in an “unclean” country. Also, Amos added, the Israelites most certainly will die, so shut the fuck up.

8:1

A Basket of Ripe Fruit- You see this basket of ripe fruit, Amos? I’m (God) showing you this fruit, because the time is ripe for me to wipe out your people. Cool metaphor, huh? I love metaphors.

Israel to be Destroyed- Yeah, it’s time. I’m going to kill everyone. E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E.

Israel’s Restoration- Well, not everyone. I’ll bring some of them back later to live in the land again once I’ve cooled down. And then I’ll never make them leave it again. Never. Again.

The end!

Up next, Obadiah!

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s