There’s Not an Actual Whale in this Tale?!?!

Jonah 1:1

Jonah Flees From the Lord- God wanted Jonah to go to Nineveh to “preach against” it. God wanted to destroy the city for being naughty, but being a stand-up guy, He didn’t want to destroy it without proper warning. Jonah decided to not do as the Lord had asked and ran away instead. In his flight from God, Jonah boarded a ship and set out to sea. This, understandably, really pissed God off, and He sent a horrible storm to Jonah’s ship. All of the men on the ship were terrified and prayed to their individual gods. Throughout all of this, Jonah is fucking sleeping away below decks. The captain found Jonah, and was like dude, the fuck? So Jonah got his lazy ass out of bed, and all of the men on the boat cast lots to decide who was at fault for the storm. The lot, of course, fell to Jonah (because he did, after all, cause it). Now, Jonah had already told the other men on the boat that he was running form God, but apparently that didn’t bother them until the storm and stuff had happened. Jonah told the guys to throw him into the sea and save themselves. At first, the guys refuse and tried to row back to land, but as the storm worsened, they changed their minds and threw Jonah out to sea. They apologized profusely of course, asked forgiveness from God and even sacrificed stuff to Him, so it’s almost like they didn’t kill a guy. But God took pity and sent a fish (not whale) to eat Jonah. And there, in the fish’s tummy, Jonah stayed for three days and three nights.


Jonah’s Prayer- Jonah decided that being alive inside of a fish was way better than being dead in the sea. He prayed to God, thanking Him for His kindness and vowing to be the best, little Israelite forever after. At which point, God takes pity on Jonah again and “commanded” the fish to “vomit Jonah up on dry land.” Lovely.

Jonah Goes to Nineveh- God asked Jonah, again, to go to Nineveh and preach His word. This time Jonah obeyed. Jonah warned the people that they had been naughty, that God intended to punish them and that they needed to repent. And they repented. No seriously, they fucking repented. They fasted, put on sackcloth and quit being dicks. And guess what? God took mercy on them and did not bring destruction down upon them. Like what?


Jonah’s Anger at the Lord’s Compassion- What the title says: Jonah becomes pissed that the Lord didn’t do what He said He was going to do, and told the Lord as much. To which, God responded with shut up, pipsqueak. But Jonah wanted to be a little bitch, so he went off on his own to pout. While pouting, God grew a vine for Jonah, to shield him from the sun. Jonah loved his vine. Then God killed Jonah’s vine, meaning Jonah had no relief from the sun, which made Jonah want to die. (Jonah is seriously a shithead.) Then God spoke to Jonah, why should you be mad about that vine? You didn’t do anything to tend it. I did that. Why should you care? But Nineveh is a great city with many people in it (most of them idiots), why should I not look after them? Ok, God didn’t call the people of Nineveh idiots, but He did say that they “cannot tell their right from their left,” so maybe he meant innocent and naive? I’m sticking with idiots.

The end!

Next up, Micah, followed by six more of these repetitive prophet, book things.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s