Groundhog’s Day #112

Micah 1:1

Micah was another one of those either a prophet or a dude on a lot of drugs type of guys.

Judgment Against Samaria and Jerusalem- They (Samaria and Jerusalem) worship idols. Dead. Totally gonna be dead.

Weeping and Mourning- After I (God) kill all of you, I intend to go about crying and mourning. I suggest you do the same now, because I’m about to kill your children.

Man’s Plans and God’s- You fuckers (Israelites) are defrauding the poor and stealing the inheritance of others. Just another reason to kill all of you.

False Prophets- You guys suck so badly that you deserve the false prophets who lie to your faces.

Deliverance Promised- But I will bring you guys back together one day. It will be like a cool reunion. Like if the cast of Firefly got back together (please get back together!!!)

3:1

Leaders and Prophets Rebuked– This is mostly the fault of the leaders and false prophets who led my people astray. Everyone is gonna die, and it will mostly be their fault!

The Mountains of the Lord- In the future, when I stop punishing you guys and bring you all back together for our reunion, there will be no more war! Everyone will live in peace. “All the nations may walk in the name of their gods; we will walk in the name of the Lord our God forever and ever. 4:5” It’ll be like that song John Lennon wrote.

The Lord’s Plan– Scratch that John Lennon thing. Once I bring you back together, you’ll tear apart nations that I don’t like. And you’ll all love me. Like, a lot!

5:1

A Promised Ruler from Bethlehem- A guy from Bethlehem is gonna be your leader and lead you to greatness!

Deliverance and Destruction- Once My people have learned their lesson, I will deliver them and completely fucking destroy My, I mean our, enemies with them.

The Lord’s Case Against Israel- I have done some pretty fantastic shit to prove Myself to you guys. What do I require in return? Your cows, your children? No. Only that you act with mercy and walk humbly beside Me.

Israel’s Guilt and Punishment- You guys lie, steal and cheat. Why would I acquit you of those sins? I won’t. I’ll kill you.

7:1

Israel’s Misery- Woe is me (Micah, I think)!!! You guys suck, and we’re all going to be punished for it! You won’t be able to trust anyone, not even your own children! It will be chaos when God reigns punishment down on all of us!

Israel Will Rise- Though Israel falls, it’s enemies should not gloat! Because we will be back! And we will fuck their shit up!

Prayer and Praise- When Israel does rise up, it will scare the shit out of everyone else! They will come to Israel, trembling and in fear of our God! It will be awesome!

The end!

As always, nations were referred to throughout as “she,” and “she” is always the sinner and the one to be punished for “her” sins.

Up next, Nahun!

 

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One thought on “Groundhog’s Day #112

  1. I love how you peel off all the spooky Bibley shell and reveal the goofiness of all of this. It’s fun. You’re fun. People are so how they are. It’s so funny that they make their deity such a big ol’ petty human. Do you think the god of cats licks his butt and yaks up hairballs?

    Like

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