The Very Last Groundhog’s Day, Promise!

Malachi 1:1

God spoke to Malachi, whom I am fairly certain was the main evil kid in Children of the Corn. I’m already terrified, and God hasn’t even started talking about killing people yet!

Jacob Loved, Esau Hated- I (God) loved Jacob and gave him stuff. I hated his brother, Esau, and destroyed everything he built. I will do this with everybody, destroy their stuff. Just to impress My people (the ones I love, seemingly chosen at random).

Blemished Sacrifices- My priests suck a fatty. They bring me blind and disabled animals as sacrifices! Does that sounds like a sacrifice to you? Would your boss be happy if you brought that to him? Fuck no. I am a great king! Treat me like one!

2:1

Admonition for the Priests- You guys suck! Straighten up, or I’ll curse you! Too late, I already cursed you. You will regret giving me shit sacrifices and being biased in matters of the law!

Judah Unfaithful- You guys were unfaithful to me. You took up with other gods and wonder why I no longer accept your offerings. Duh, you cheated! And don’t divorce your wives, I hate that. You made a covenant of marriage, stick to it.

The Day of Judgment- You assholes do a bunch of evil stuff, and then cry about how evil others are and how I don’t punish them. Seriously? I will bring judgment down upon you! “I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me!” 3:5

3:6

Robbing God- You are robbing Me of My rightful love, adoration and tithing. You think I do not see how fake you are in asking for My help, but I see it! The day when I fuck your shit up will show you the distinction between good and evil, because right now, you can’t tell!

The Day of the Lord- The day will come when I burn the fake and dishonest into ashes. I will save those who do right and set them on their enemies like a plague! Before the day when the Lord comes, I will send Elijah as a prophet to ready you. If you have not kept the laws of Moses, I will strike you down with plague!

The end!

Holy shit, guys, that’s the end of the Old Testament! FINALLY!

The Groundhog’s Day Where Bill Murray was Close to Escaping but Not Quite There

Zechariah 1:1

I used to call my brother, Zachary, Zechariah when I wanted to be mean and infer that he was a girly girl. That was before I was a woke, badass feminist. Girl on, Zechariah!

A Call to Return to the Lord- Your forefathers were dicks, which is why I (God) had to punish them. But repent and return to My ways, and we can all be cool!

The Man Among the Myrtle Trees- Zechariah had a dream about a dude riding a red horse through myrtle trees. This struck him as odd, so he asked the angel standing beside him (not odd, apparently) what gives? God spoke through the angel, that they were sent there throughout the earth by God. Bored by the dude and the lame answer, Zechariah asked the angel how long God intended to be angry with His people. The angel responded that God had only been a little angry, but the Israelites had made it worse by being dicks. Then God promised that He was almost done being pissed and would resume His favoritism/love for His chosen people soon.

A Man with a Measuring Line- Same dream. Now there’s an angel with a measuring line, who says he is going to use it to measure Israel. Not metaphorically. Then God tells Zech that the new Jerusalem will not have walls, because there will be too many people for that sort of nonsense, but God Himself will act as a wall of fire to protect His people. God also talks about destroying Babylon some more.

3:1

Clean Garments for the High Priest- Zech has another weird dream. This time, he sees Joshua (just some dude?) standing between an angel and Satan (it says that Satan was there to “accuse” Joshua), but the angel “rebuked” Satan and gave Joshua nice, clean clothes, thereby taking away Joshua’s sin. God announced that Joshua was now the High Priest. Then God talks some more about how cool everyone’s new life will be once the Israelites come home and begin to worship Him properly.

The Gold Lampstand and the Two Olive Trees- Another dream. So there’s a gold lampstand flanked by two olive trees. Zech asks God what it’s all about. God replies “You do not know?” because God is kind of a condescending asshole. Then He explains that the golden lampstand represents His temple or His spirit or both. Not sure. And the olive tress on either side represent the two people who are anointed to serve Him.

The Flying Scroll- Same dream, only now there’s a flying scroll. This fuckin’ guy. God explained that the scroll was the curse He was sending out over the land. The curse would banish all thieves, and anyone who swore themselves to the Lord untruthfully. *cough* Southern Baptists.

The Woman in a Basket- Now there’s a flying basket, and apparently it is a measuring basket, whatever that means. God lifts up the lid and sitting inside is a woman. Zech asks why that is, because it seems strange. God replies that the woman “is wickedness.” Oh, here we go! So God sent “wickedness” and her basket to Babylon to sit there until the time was right and then cause Babylon’s downfall. Because women are evil and cause the downfall of all things. Obviously.

6:1

Four Chariots- And now there’s, you guessed it! Four chariots in the dream. One chariot has a red hose, one a black, one a white and one a dappled horse. The angel told Zech that these were the “four spirits of heaven” going out into the earth. One chariot was sent in each cardinal direction. Then God pointed out that the horse sent to the north had given God’s spirit a “rest” there.

A Crown for Joshua- God tells Zech to gather up some gold and have a crown made for Joshua, the new high priest guy. Then He announced that some guy named “Branch” would branch out and build the temple of the Lord. God’s lame play on words, not mine. Then He named four more dudes to be priests and announced that as long as everyone “diligently” followed His rules, everyone would live in peace.

Justice and Mercy, Not Fasting- Some people were trying to find out from the prophets if they should continue to fast in the name of the Lord. So Zech asked him. God responded that the people had only fasted for Him in words only, and that they really only did such things for themselves. Instead God suggested, they should “Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.” You know, all of the shit the people had gotten in trouble for not doing in the first place.

8:1

The Lord Promises to Bless Jerusalem- I (God) really miss My people. In fact, “I am burning with jealousy for her.” Creepy. So I’ll bring them all back and punish those who cursed them. I am going to do as much good for you as a I did bad to your forefathers. So, a lot of good. All you have to do is, “Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts; do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not love to swear falsely. I hate all this.” 8:16 It is going to be so awesome, that people from all over the world will come and ask to join the Israelites, because they will al be so impressed (terrified?) of Me.

Judgment on Israel’s Enemies:  An Oracle- Just another iteration of how much God intends to destroy the enemies of His people.

The Coming of Zion’s King- Guys, this is going to be so awesome! There won’t be war and peace will reign supreme!

The Lord Will Appear- And God is going to wear you guys like stones in His crown, and He is going to look amazing!

10:1

The Lord Will Come for Judah- Once again, saving Judah and the Israelites, destroying everyone else.

Two Shepherds- Long allegory where the two shepherds mislead and do not properly care for their flock. So God takes the flock but tires of them, so he lets them destroy themselves.

Jerusalem’s Enemies to be Destroyed: An Oracle- You get it.

Mourning for the One They Pierced- After I (God) destroy Israel’s enemies, the nation will weep that they ever treated Me in the way that they did. Weep, I tell you!

13:1

Cleansing from the Sin- On the day that I fix everything, and the people weep, I will bring forth a fountain to wash everyone of their sins! And then fake prophets will be stabbed by their own parents. At that point, they’ll realize they’ve been shitty fake prophets and realize that they are farmers instead.

The Shepherd Struck, the Sheep Scattered- More stuff about God comparing his people to naughty shepherds and scattered sheep.

The Lord Comes and Reigns- God got really mad at His people and let them be killed and raped and enslaved and stuff. But now He will put them back in Israel and destroy all of their enemies. But there will be some enemies left. But those enemies will be so awed by what God just did (destroying their families and homes and stuff) that they will come back on their knees to worship God. And if they don’t, God will just withhold rain until they all die.

The end!

Next up, Malachi!

 

Groundhog’s Day #… Lost Count

Haggai 1:1

A Call to Build the House of the Lord- Haggai, is it right that you bastards live in your nice little houses, while My (God’s) house lies in ruins? Fuck no. Build that shit. Have you not noticed that “you have planted much, but harvest little. You eat but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it. 1:6” That shit is because of Me. I’m mad about my fucked up house: fix it.

So the people banded together and started to fix God’s house.  A literal house, with wood and stuff. This took place under the rule of the Persian King, Darius.

The Promised Glory of the New House- Guys, this house is going to be awesome! Does anyone even remember what the old one looked like? No?Ask old people; someone has to remember. Have no fear, just work hard and build My house! I will protect you!

2:10

Blessings for a Defiled People- Remember how hard you were working, and how I fucked it up for you? That’s because I was mad at you, but that can all change now that I’ve punished you really, really badly. We are gonna have the best time!

Zerubbabel the Lord’s Signet Ring- I’m going to make you guys, what remains of My people, like a signet ring. Meaning I chose you. And I’m going to destroy everyone I didn’t choose. Like, really destroy them.

The end!

Next up, Zechariah! And guess what?!?!!? We’re almost done with this repetitive prophet stuff! Two more books before we arrive at the New Testament and get Jesusy up in here!

Groundhog’s Day #183 (Yeah, Still)

Zephaniah 1:1

Zephaniah received the word of God. He’s the son of some guy, who is the son of some guy, who is the son of some guy, who is the son of some guy who was alive during the reign of some king, who was the son of another king of Judah.

Warning of Coming Destruction- I’m (God) going to sweep everything, man and animal, off of the face of the earth. Just like I promised I wouldn’t do in that covenant that had something to do with a rainbow. Still gonna do it.

Against Judah- I’m going to cause havoc, because you bastards won’t stop worshipping other gods and idols. You’re going to be really sorry.

The Great Day of the Lord- My great day is when I  finally kill all of you. Now, if you are righteous and “humble,” ask for forgiveness and maybe, maybe, I’ll spare you. Probably not though.

2:4

Against Philistia- I’m going to wipe out Philistine, so that My people can live there once I’ve punished them. If you’re a Philistine, I give zero fucks for you.

Against Moab and Ammon- The people of Moab and Ammon made fun of My people. So I will destroy them and give their lands to the “remnants” of My people.

Against Cush- You too, Cush.

Against Assyria- Also among the future dead.

3:1

The Future of Jerusalem- The leaders, priests and officials have become like lions, arrogant and treacherous. So I will destroy them. I will leave behind the “meek and humble” to inherit and survive. My name alone will be on their lips.

Again and again the Bible proves to me that God would not approve of a Trump presidency. Trump is the lion, treacherous and arrogant. He is not looking out for the meek and humble. Our nation has turned to the idols of money and power, worshipping false prophets and leaving the weaker of us behind. No, I’m sorry. I do not think God would approve of our shining city on the hill. Not at all.

The end!

Next up, Haggai!

Groundhog’s Day #174

Habakkuk 1:1

Habakkuk is just another oracle.

Habakkuk’s Complaint- God, I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for quite some time, because I’m surrounded by injustice, pain and all-around douchebaggery.

The Lord’s Answer- Yeah, I know! I’m on it! I’m going to raise up these guys who call themselves the Babylonians. They are going to be seriously badass, but the only god they recognize is their own strength.

Habakkuk’s Second Complaint- Yeah, ok, whatever. What I’m saying is there are a bunch of evil dudes, going around creating havoc, and you’re not doing anything about it! Wtf?

2:2

The Lord’s Answer- Yeah, I know the evil dudes suck! They are the Babylonians. I’m raising them up to destroy them though, so it’s cool. They’ve built their shit by dishonest, unjust and cruel means (cough, Trump), so I will bring all of them to their knees and teach them some manners. By killing them. Are you writing this down? Write this shit down.

Habakkuk’s Prayer- God, I’ve heard a lot about you. You are a terrifying, magnificent dude. When you say that you’ll take care of this shit, I believe you! So even though my life and the world around me is miserable, I am happy and take faith in your word that you will clean this shit up!

The end!

Up next, Zephaniah.

Groundhog’s Day #162

Nahun 1:1

Nahun was an oracle who oracled destructiony shit about Nineveh (the Assyrian city).

The Lord’s Anger Against Nineveh- God is a badass who completely destroys every foe. He was mad at Judah, but now He is over it, so He is going to completely destroy Nineveh and its people in order to secure the release of His own people, the Israelites.

Nineveh to Fall- The title of this section pretty much sums it up.

3:1

Woe to Nineveh- Nineveh is full of liars and show-offy bastards. All of their nonsense started with one “harlot.” She is a wanton, lust-filled, sorceress, skank hoe who ruined it for everyone (there are a few different theories on this verse: the harlot could represent Assyria itself, spreading idolatry, or possibly just one really nasty lady ruining shit for everybody). So I’m (God) going to lift up her skirts and show everyone her nakedness. You think you’re so cool, Nineveh, but you’re no better than any of the other cities that I have destroyed. You think you have this great army, but all of your troops are women, so hah! (No really, it says that, “Look at your troops–they are all women! 3:13” Try and protect yourself, but I will destroy you. And everyone will be happy about it, because you’ve been dicks to seriously everyone.

The end!

Next up, Habakkuk!