The Groundhog’s Day Where Bill Murray was Close to Escaping but Not Quite There

Zechariah 1:1

I used to call my brother, Zachary, Zechariah when I wanted to be mean and infer that he was a girly girl. That was before I was a woke, badass feminist. Girl on, Zechariah!

A Call to Return to the Lord- Your forefathers were dicks, which is why I (God) had to punish them. But repent and return to My ways, and we can all be cool!

The Man Among the Myrtle Trees- Zechariah had a dream about a dude riding a red horse through myrtle trees. This struck him as odd, so he asked the angel standing beside him (not odd, apparently) what gives? God spoke through the angel, that they were sent there throughout the earth by God. Bored by the dude and the lame answer, Zechariah asked the angel how long God intended to be angry with His people. The angel responded that God had only been a little angry, but the Israelites had made it worse by being dicks. Then God promised that He was almost done being pissed and would resume His favoritism/love for His chosen people soon.

A Man with a Measuring Line- Same dream. Now there’s an angel with a measuring line, who says he is going to use it to measure Israel. Not metaphorically. Then God tells Zech that the new Jerusalem will not have walls, because there will be too many people for that sort of nonsense, but God Himself will act as a wall of fire to protect His people. God also talks about destroying Babylon some more.

3:1

Clean Garments for the High Priest- Zech has another weird dream. This time, he sees Joshua (just some dude?) standing between an angel and Satan (it says that Satan was there to “accuse” Joshua), but the angel “rebuked” Satan and gave Joshua nice, clean clothes, thereby taking away Joshua’s sin. God announced that Joshua was now the High Priest. Then God talks some more about how cool everyone’s new life will be once the Israelites come home and begin to worship Him properly.

The Gold Lampstand and the Two Olive Trees- Another dream. So there’s a gold lampstand flanked by two olive trees. Zech asks God what it’s all about. God replies “You do not know?” because God is kind of a condescending asshole. Then He explains that the golden lampstand represents His temple or His spirit or both. Not sure. And the olive tress on either side represent the two people who are anointed to serve Him.

The Flying Scroll- Same dream, only now there’s a flying scroll. This fuckin’ guy. God explained that the scroll was the curse He was sending out over the land. The curse would banish all thieves, and anyone who swore themselves to the Lord untruthfully. *cough* Southern Baptists.

The Woman in a Basket- Now there’s a flying basket, and apparently it is a measuring basket, whatever that means. God lifts up the lid and sitting inside is a woman. Zech asks why that is, because it seems strange. God replies that the woman “is wickedness.” Oh, here we go! So God sent “wickedness” and her basket to Babylon to sit there until the time was right and then cause Babylon’s downfall. Because women are evil and cause the downfall of all things. Obviously.

6:1

Four Chariots- And now there’s, you guessed it! Four chariots in the dream. One chariot has a red hose, one a black, one a white and one a dappled horse. The angel told Zech that these were the “four spirits of heaven” going out into the earth. One chariot was sent in each cardinal direction. Then God pointed out that the horse sent to the north had given God’s spirit a “rest” there.

A Crown for Joshua- God tells Zech to gather up some gold and have a crown made for Joshua, the new high priest guy. Then He announced that some guy named “Branch” would branch out and build the temple of the Lord. God’s lame play on words, not mine. Then He named four more dudes to be priests and announced that as long as everyone “diligently” followed His rules, everyone would live in peace.

Justice and Mercy, Not Fasting- Some people were trying to find out from the prophets if they should continue to fast in the name of the Lord. So Zech asked him. God responded that the people had only fasted for Him in words only, and that they really only did such things for themselves. Instead God suggested, they should “Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.” You know, all of the shit the people had gotten in trouble for not doing in the first place.

8:1

The Lord Promises to Bless Jerusalem- I (God) really miss My people. In fact, “I am burning with jealousy for her.” Creepy. So I’ll bring them all back and punish those who cursed them. I am going to do as much good for you as a I did bad to your forefathers. So, a lot of good. All you have to do is, “Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts; do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not love to swear falsely. I hate all this.” 8:16 It is going to be so awesome, that people from all over the world will come and ask to join the Israelites, because they will al be so impressed (terrified?) of Me.

Judgment on Israel’s Enemies:  An Oracle- Just another iteration of how much God intends to destroy the enemies of His people.

The Coming of Zion’s King- Guys, this is going to be so awesome! There won’t be war and peace will reign supreme!

The Lord Will Appear- And God is going to wear you guys like stones in His crown, and He is going to look amazing!

10:1

The Lord Will Come for Judah- Once again, saving Judah and the Israelites, destroying everyone else.

Two Shepherds- Long allegory where the two shepherds mislead and do not properly care for their flock. So God takes the flock but tires of them, so he lets them destroy themselves.

Jerusalem’s Enemies to be Destroyed: An Oracle- You get it.

Mourning for the One They Pierced- After I (God) destroy Israel’s enemies, the nation will weep that they ever treated Me in the way that they did. Weep, I tell you!

13:1

Cleansing from the Sin- On the day that I fix everything, and the people weep, I will bring forth a fountain to wash everyone of their sins! And then fake prophets will be stabbed by their own parents. At that point, they’ll realize they’ve been shitty fake prophets and realize that they are farmers instead.

The Shepherd Struck, the Sheep Scattered- More stuff about God comparing his people to naughty shepherds and scattered sheep.

The Lord Comes and Reigns- God got really mad at His people and let them be killed and raped and enslaved and stuff. But now He will put them back in Israel and destroy all of their enemies. But there will be some enemies left. But those enemies will be so awed by what God just did (destroying their families and homes and stuff) that they will come back on their knees to worship God. And if they don’t, God will just withhold rain until they all die.

The end!

Next up, Malachi!

 

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One thought on “The Groundhog’s Day Where Bill Murray was Close to Escaping but Not Quite There

  1. You know how when people talk about their dreams and it’s nearly impossible to pay attention? Even enough to say “Hmmm” and “Huh” at all the right junctures, just to be polite? And then you always get all quizzed after with a “what do you think all the bunnies mean?” or some other appeal for your opinion. How cool would it be to know the answer when people ask? ” You see, the bunnies are warm fuzzy death merchants. I know because I am The Author of your dream. Repent, loser.” Oh, yeah. Also, that was funny about your brother.

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