The Very Last Groundhog’s Day, Promise!

Malachi 1:1

God spoke to Malachi, whom I am fairly certain was the main evil kid in Children of the Corn. I’m already terrified, and God hasn’t even started talking about killing people yet!

Jacob Loved, Esau Hated- I (God) loved Jacob and gave him stuff. I hated his brother, Esau, and destroyed everything he built. I will do this with everybody, destroy their stuff. Just to impress My people (the ones I love, seemingly chosen at random).

Blemished Sacrifices- My priests suck a fatty. They bring me blind and disabled animals as sacrifices! Does that sounds like a sacrifice to you? Would your boss be happy if you brought that to him? Fuck no. I am a great king! Treat me like one!


Admonition for the Priests- You guys suck! Straighten up, or I’ll curse you! Too late, I already cursed you. You will regret giving me shit sacrifices and being biased in matters of the law!

Judah Unfaithful- You guys were unfaithful to me. You took up with other gods and wonder why I no longer accept your offerings. Duh, you cheated! And don’t divorce your wives, I hate that. You made a covenant of marriage, stick to it.

The Day of Judgment- You assholes do a bunch of evil stuff, and then cry about how evil others are and how I don’t punish them. Seriously? I will bring judgment down upon you! “I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me!” 3:5


Robbing God- You are robbing Me of My rightful love, adoration and tithing. You think I do not see how fake you are in asking for My help, but I see it! The day when I fuck your shit up will show you the distinction between good and evil, because right now, you can’t tell!

The Day of the Lord- The day will come when I burn the fake and dishonest into ashes. I will save those who do right and set them on their enemies like a plague! Before the day when the Lord comes, I will send Elijah as a prophet to ready you. If you have not kept the laws of Moses, I will strike you down with plague!

The end!

Holy shit, guys, that’s the end of the Old Testament! FINALLY!


One thought on “The Very Last Groundhog’s Day, Promise!

  1. Congratulations nichols448!! What a thing you have done. The Old Testament is a chore – a big ol’ cruel, racist, misogynist, self-contradictory, self-congratulatory, murky, spooky, weird, daunting, tedious chore. And you made it through! Wowee!! Good job, you! Good job on your hilarious posts. You have given wit and insight and a vibrant energy to an otherwise difficult and often off-putting text. You have done an amazing thing. You are a good soul. I’m glad we’re moving on to the New Testament! I apologize for not keeping up so far, but (stand back in case there’s a lightning bolt) I hate the Old Testament. I think it’s the ball and chain around the ankle of Christianity. I’m really much much much more psyched now. Yay!!

    p.s.: The Groundhog Day theme was genius. Also the header pictures have been outstanding!


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