Alright, first thing’s first: I had intended to write a sum up of the Old Testament, to tell you how I felt about the whole thing in general. I didn’t do it. Why? Lifey stuff. Also, laziness. So here it is: God is a petulant, narcissistic wreck; people are selfish and absolutely fallible; there are many things that tick God off, such as gay people and sorcery, and also pretty much everything else that people do, but nothing comes close to touching the blinding anger He feels toward fake, proud, judgmental bastards. Also, He insists that we care for one another. Weird. Anywhoozle. Onward.
The Genealogy of Jesus- Dad=David, Abraham and also God. Mary was a busy lady. Mother’s side doesn’t matter. Apparently, there were 14 generations between Abraham and David, 14 more between David and exile, plus 14 between exile the birth of Jesus.
The Birth of Jesus Christ- We all know this one. Mary was all set to marry Joseph, when she suddenly came down with a bad case of impregnated by God. Seriously, old-school Greek style. Joseph, being a stand-up guy, was going to divorce her privately, so as not to make her a laughing stock, but an angel came to him. The angel told Joseph that Mary was a good girl, and that God for serious had impregnated her. The angel also told him to name the kid Jesus, even though it seems like God preferred the name, Immanuel. Joseph did as he was told.
The Visit of the Magi- These are the three kings from that one Christmas song. They saw a star and realized that it meant a king had been born, and they should go to that new king. On their way to Jesus’ birthplace, the kings were stopped by Herod, King of Galilee (New Israel, kind of?). Herod wanted the three kings to tell him where Jesus would be born, so that he could go worship too. The kings agreed, but were later told in a dream to tell Herod nothing, so they told him nothing. They went on to Jesus’ birthplace, gave him stuff, worshipped him and went home.
The Escape to Egypt- Turns out, Herod wanted to kill Jesus, which is why he tried to get info out of the Magi. An angel once again came to Joseph, telling him to take Jesus and Mary and flee to Egypt until Herod had died. And they did. Back in Jerusalem, Herod was furious when he learned that the Magi had shirked him. Because he did not know where to find Jesus, he made an order that every male child under two years of age in the city of Bethlehem be killed. And it was done. There’s a creepy poem about it.
Return to Nazareth- Once Herod died, another angel appeared to Joseph, telling him that it was safe to go back to Jerusalem. But Joseph was afraid of Herod’s son, Archelaus, who was now ruling, so he went and hid in Nazareth instead.
John the Baptist Prepares the Way- There’s a dude called John the Baptist. He’s a pretty simple guy. He goes around telling people to “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near.” You know, stuff we would have someone hospitalized for today. He also baptized people in the river and told of the coming of a man who was even more great than himself. He also called out the fakes and phonies trying to be baptized.
The Baptism of Jesus- Jesus came to John the Baptist to be baptized, but John was convinced that he wasn’t good enough to baptize Jesus and said as much. Jesus told him to chill, and John baptized him. When he was baptized, Jesus came up out of the water, the heavens opened, Jesus saw the Spirit of the Lord and God proclaimed His love for His son.
The Temptation of Jesus- Then the “spirit” took Jesus out into the desert to be “tested” by “the devil.” Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, at which point the devil tried to tempt Jesus into being a jerk, but Jesus wasn’t having it and remained loyal to God. So the devil gave up, and angels attended to Jesus.
Jesus Begins to Preach- Jesus found out that John the Baptist has been imprisoned, so Jesus went elsewhere. He didn’t help his friend, he just left him there. Anyway, once relocated, Jesus also began to preach the whole, “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near.”
The Calling of the First Disciples- Jesus randomly walks around luring fishermen away from their boats, telling them that he will make them “fishers of men.” Creepy, right? So far he’s got Peter, Andrew, James and John.
Jesus Heals the Sick- Just what it says. Jesus walked around preaching and healing people. People gathered from all over Galilee (Syria, today) to be healed by Jesus.
The Beatitudes- Jesus blesses the poor, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers and those who are persecuted. Plus, he blessed those who had been talked about behind their backs for their loyalty to Jesus and God, for the prophets had met the same fate.
Salt and Light- Jesus tells people that they are the salt of the earth, but to not lose their saltiness, because it cannot be replaced. No, really. He also tells them to shine their good deeds upon the world like a light on a stand.
The Fulfillment of the Law- Jesus tells the people that he is not there to challenge or change the laws and commandments of his people, just to strengthen and teach them. Making him the original J-Law. Move the fuck over, Miss Lawrence. He also says that those who do not live by those laws will not make it into heaven.
Murder- (Everything form here on out is in Jesus’ words. Not exactly his words, I’m taking artistic license.) Don’t murder anyone. Also, settle differences quickly, particularly with your brother or anyone taking you to court.
Adultery- Don’t commit adultery. Don’t even look at a woman lustfully, because that’s a sin too. If you do, gauge out your eye, because it’s better than letting yourself sin. (Notice it doesn’t say, if you look at a woman lustfully, slut shame her for wearing a mini skirt.)
Divorce- I know it’s been said that if you divorce your wife, you just have to give her a certificate, but it’s worse than that. Don’t do it at all. At least for anything other than unfaithfulness, because if you do, you are forcing her to become an adulterer.
Oaths- You’ve been told not to break your oaths, but you really should not be swearing at all. “Let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ be no.” Anything more serious than that is evil.
An Eye for an Eye- No, no, no scratch eye for an eye. Give in to the evil person: if they strike you, turn the other cheek. Don’t deny people they things they ask of you, go an extra mile for them.
Love for Enemies- Love everyone. Be perfect, like God. If you’re only nice to those who are nice to you, you’re no better than a pagan.
Giving to the Needy- When you give to the needy, which you sure as fuck should be doing, do it in secret. Only asshats and fakes have to announce their good deeds to everyone. Do it in secret, and God will see and reward you.
Prayer- Same goes with prayer. Don’t go about praying in the streets like a show off. Pray in privacy, with the door shut. Also, you should understand that you have to forgive others of their sins, or God won’t forgive you of yours.
Fasting- Don’t make a show out of how miserable you are during fasting. Act normal, for goodness sake.
Treasures in Heaven- Don’t build up earthly treasures that can be destroyed or stolen. Build up your wealth in heaven. “You cannot serve both God and money.” Boom, you Cheetos-Looking bastard!
Do Not Worry- Chill the fuck out. Stop worrying about your housing and clothing. Birds don’t worry about that shit, but God still provides for them. Is life not more important that the things in it?
Judging Others- Don’t judge others. Just don’t. God will judge you in the exact same way. Fix yourself before trying to fix others.
Ask, Seek, Knock- If you need help, ask. If you need guidance, seek. If you need either, knock. God will open the door for you. Do unto others and all that. That is the summation of all of God’s laws.
The Narrow and Wide Gates- The narrow gate leads to life. It is narrow because few ever find it. The wide gate leads to destruction, lots of people seek that shit out. Always pick the narrow gate.
A Tree and Its Fruit- A tree is like a prophet. You can weed out the bad ones by judging their fruit. Bad trees can’t produce good fruit. Bad prophets can’t produce good faith. Or something like that.
The Wise and Foolish Builders- If you listen to me, you’re a wise dude. You built your house on a rock, where it cannot be destroyed. If you don’t listen to me, you’re an idiot, and you built your house on sand. That shit’s as good as destroyed already.
After Jesus said all of this stuff, the people were amazed and trusted him.
That’s it for today. Next time, we’ll read about cool stuff Jesus did. Plus, a beheading.