John the Baptist Dies Because Incest

Matthew 8:1

The Man with Leprosy- Now apparently, all of that preachy stuff Jesus said from last time, he said from up on a mountain, which is cool right? Guy’s got style. Like I said, this stuff impressed the people he was preaching to, and once he came down from the mountain, they followed him like puppy dogs. One guy, was like Hey Jesus, how about what if you cured my leprosy? You know, to prove to the people that you can. This has nothing to do with personal gain. And Jesus did; he cured the guy. But the guys wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. He was to go straight to a temple and make a sacrifice to God.

The Faith of the Centurion- Some time later, a centurion came to Jesus. He said that his servant was lying in bed, paralyzed and in great suffering. Then the centurion talked about how he was too low for Jesus to enter his home, so Jesus just fixed the guy’s servant from where he was, with just a word.

Jesus Heals Many- First, Jesus heeled Peter’s mother’s fever. Then, he heeled a bunch of other people who had demons in them.

The Cost of Following Jesus- A teacher approached Jesus, wanting to follow him. Jesus started complaining about how he didn’t have a house. The teacher, was like Sure thing, I’ll help you, just let me bury my father first. And Jesus was like, No fool, now. Which makes Jesus sound like kind of a jerk.

8:23

Jesus Calms the Storm- Jesus and his buddies were out on a boat, when a huge storm came out of nowhere! The buddies were sure they would all die, but Jesus “rebuked” the storm and calmed it. The buddies were awed and maybe a little fearful that even the wind and waves followed Jesus’ word.

The Healing of Two Demon-posssessed Men- Jesus comes across two demon-possessed dudes. He cures the two guys of their demons, but in doing so, he sent the demons into some nearby pigs. And then the entire herd of pigs ran off of a cliff or something and died. After that, people in the area wanted Jesus out. I mean, he killed their pigs! Although, I’m not sure why anyone would have been keeping pigs. They aren’t supposed to be eaten, and what else can you do with a herd of pigs?

Jesus Heals a Paralytic- Yep, another one. He also forgave the paralytic’s sins, which made some people think that Jesus was blaspheming.

9:9

The Calling of Matthew- Jesus walked by Matthew, who was sitting outside of a tax collection office, and commanded Matthew to follow him. Matthew did. Then they went and ate with a bunch of tax collectors. When asked why he would eat with tax-collecting sinners, Jesus responded that he was there to help the sinners, not the righteous.

Jesus Questioned About Fasting- John’s disciples (John the Baptist, I think) asked Jesus why his disciples didn’t have to fast. Jesus replied that they would after Jesus was gone. Foreshadowing!

A Dead Girl and  a Sick Woman- Some lady had been bleeding for like, 12 years or something, and Jesus healed her. Oh yeah, and he brought a dead girl back to life.

Jesus Heals the Blind and Mute- These subtitles are killing my story telling. This story does make clear that Jesus only heals those who truly believe that he has the power to do so. He also heals another demon-possessed guy, and some people pointed out that only a demon could drive out demons. They jelly.

The Workers are Few- Jesus went around doing cool stuff. He noticed that there were a lot of people with no work, so he found jobs for them in the fields.

10:1

Jesus Sends out the Twelve- At this point, Jesus has his twelve disciples: Simon (aka, Peter. No, I don’t know why), Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, another James, Thaddaeus, Simon, Judas and Matthew. God gave the twelve the powers to heal diseases and drive out demons. He sent them out to what remained of the Israelites to heal and preach. Jesus told the disciples that they would be persecuted but not to fear. Jesus also pointed out that he was not there to “bring peace, but a sword.” So that kind of shits on the whole “Peace on Earth” Christmas theme. Furthermore, Jesus said that he was there to turn families against each other, because each member of each family should love him more than each other. This guy has fucking issues. Probably caused by daddy. The main theme of this section, I think, is that the twelve are to go out and decide who is righteous and who is not.

Jesus and John the Baptist- Jesus went back to Galilee to continue preaching. Galilee is where, if you’ll remember, Jesus left his friend, John the Baptist, to rot in prison. JtB is still there, rotting, but when he hears that Jesus is back, he sends his disciples to ask Jesus if he  was the prophesied savior. To which Jesus was like, Hells yeah. Then Jesus preached some confusing stuff about John, whom he seems to both like and dislike.

Woe on Unrepentant Cities- Jesus denounces the cities where he has performed miracles that have not repented. Apparently, they’ll be sorrier than Sodom on judgment day. Jesus is starting to sound a lot like his father at this point.

Rest for the Weary- Jesus thanks God for making him way legit and tells everyone that their souls will find rest if they just follow him. Sounds like a death sentence to me.

12:1

Lord of the Sabbath- Jesus and his twelve are walking through a field, and they’re hungry, so the guys start to eat some food from the field. The catch? (Other than stealing) is that it happens to be the Sabbath. Some people questioned Jesus on why his men were allowed to pick from the field on the Sabbath, and Jesus was like, Because I’m Jesus, bitch. And then he healed a guy, because there’s never a bad time to help the sick and needy. At this point, there are some who begin to plot how they might kill Jesus.

God’s Chosen Servant- Surprise, it’s Jesus! Jesus is the chosen servant.

Jesus and Beelzebub- Beelzebub is the prince of demons. Jesus saved another possessed guy, and people again questioned is Jesus was this Bumblebee guy because he could control demons. To which Jesus was all, A house divided against itself cannot stand, so how can I stand with the devil and also cast the spirits out? Just doesn’t make sense, bro. Jesus also has some harsh words for these guys who keep questioning his every move, the pharisees (aka uptight, self-righteous asswipes).

The Sign of Jonah- The pharisees tell Jesus that if he’s so cool, he should show them a miracle. Jesus basically tells them to piss off. Also, that they’re generation is evil.

Jesus’ Mother and Brothers- Jesus’ mom and brothers wanted to talk to him, but  Jesus said no and added that his disciples were his real family, because they did the will of God. Ouch. What happened to honor thy mother?

13:1

The Parable of the Sower- This story and the next few are parables that Jesus told his followers. Why, you might ask would Jesus speak in parables? His twelve wanted to know the same thing. Because, Jesus responded, These idiots understand nothing, so I have to speak in riddles. The parable of the sower is about seeds that land in three different place, on a pathway where the dirt was shallow and could not support them. Others fell on a rocky area where the seeds were quickly choked out. The third, fell in deep soil and produced well. This is like people, according to Jesus, because some never get behind the faith, others get it at first and lose it quickly when faced with adversity, but some live in it deeply and for their entire lives.

The Parables of the Mustard Seed and Yeast- The mustard seed is the tiniest seed, but when planted, produces a large tree. The one about yeast is even weirder. Heaven is like yeast and other stuff kneaded into bread.

The Parable of the Weeds Explained- The disciples wanted a particular parable explained. I’m not sure what the parable was, but the meaning is that anyone who causes sin will die horribly. Horribly.

The Parable of the Hidden Treasure and the Pearl- Sell all of your shit and buy heaven instead.

The Parable of the Net- Heaven is like a fishing net. Once you bring it up full, you have to separate the good fish from the bad. That’s like heaven. The angels separate the good people from the bad and throw the bad ones into a fiery prison.

13:53

A Prophet without Honor- Jesus went to preach in a synagogue, and at first the people were impressed, but then they remembered that he was the son of a carpenter, just a normal dude. So they stuck up their noses at him, and Jesus didn’t show them his best tricks because of it.

I would stop here, but I promised you a beheading.

John the Baptist is Beheaded- So King Herod really doesn’t like John the Baptist; he’s the one who put him in prison, remember? Why? Well, it’s stupid, really. No, really. Herod’s brother had a wife (who is a nasty piece of work), and John told Herod that it was not right for his brother to have that wife. Zero specifics on why. So, into jail John went. Later, the daughter of that nasty piece of work danced for and pleased Herod and his visitors. In fact, she pleased him (her effing uncle) with her dance (what kind of dance was this?) that he told her that she could have anything her heart decided. Goaded by her mother, the girl asked for John’s the Baptist’s head on a platter. And she got it. You won’t see that on an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen.” Or you might; rich people are nuts and do not answer to our laws.

That’s it for now! More death and destruction coming your way, next time!

 

 

 

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One thought on “John the Baptist Dies Because Incest

  1. There are some thorny theological issues in this part. Why, for instance, does Jesus point out that the sinners need help, not the righteous, when I think we can all agree that self-righteous people are the worst? Sinners don’t generally need it pointed out to them that they’re sinners. Further, why are there ever any bad fish? If a sinner’s major sin is that he doesn’t realize he’s a sinner, why can’t that be forgiven? Is it really worse than murder or shoplifting or envy? If stupid is the worst thing that people do, why are all the humans so dang stupid? We are all bad fish. Even the best people have moments of vanity or some fear-based transgression, which necessitates grace, which is why Christianity exists, but then why not forgive all us little dummies? Why brandish the sword? Conundrums abound, but the last one I’ll talk about is the part where family members will turn against one another in their Elsewhere devotion. It seems like if you can’t be nice to your family – no matter what they think about things like religion (or say, politics) – how much can it really count that you love some Abstraction, the details of Whom you can largely make up to suit your own beliefs? Jesus is a vegetarian, socially-liberal, fiscally-moderate, cat-person, but still… you see what I mean, right?

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