Matthew is Freaking Long, Dude.

Matthew 14:22

Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand- Jesus was pretty sad about his friend John losing his head. He decided to go off on his own and mourn. With his disciples and five thousand of his followers. The disciples told Jesus that he should send the people away to get food, but Jesus was like, Nah, I’ll just feed them. To which, the disciples pointed out that they only had a few loaves of bread. But Jesus was like, Shut the fuck up, naysayers, and then he fed everybody with the few loaves of bread. Everyone was fat and sassy, and there was even some bread left over.

Jesus Walks on the Water- Jesus sent the crowd away and also sent his disciples out on a boat to cross a body of water. Jesus went and prayed and then decided to catch up with his buddies out on the boat. Not wanting to slow them down to come back for him, he decided just to talk out across the water to the boat. No big. Until the disciples see him and get freakin’ terrified. Jesus is like, It’s just me, guys. Chill. Then Peter decides to test Jesus by also going out and walking on the water, but part of the way out he gets nervous and starts to sink. Jesus saves him, but was also like, Why the fuck would you doubt me, dude? 


Clean and Unclean- Remember those pharisee guys? The self-righteous assholes forever questioning Jesus’ every move? They’re at it again, all Jesus, why don’t your disciples wash their hands before eating? (A fair question if you ask me.) Jesus replies that the pharisees are hypocrites that nitpick constantly about what everyone else is doing, but do not follow the laws of God themselves. Sounds familiar. Then Jesus points out that it is not the things that a man puts into his mouth that makes him unclean; it is what comes out of his mouth. He also calls his disciples dull. HAH. What a jerk.

The Faith of the Canaanite Woman- So a Canaanite woman came to Jesus asking for help, but Jesus wouldn’t help her because God only sent him to help Israelites, or some such nonsense. She begged and begged until Jesus finally gave her what she wanted just to shut her up. He also basically called all non-Israelites dogs… what a jerk. 

Jesus Feeds the Four Thousand- Jesus is still wondering around, healing people. They’re just following like puppies, not even stopping for food, so Jesus has to feed them all again. This time, he fed four thousand with seven loaves of bread.


The Demand for a Sign- The pharisees are still at it, being jerks and questioning Jesus. They demand that Jesus show them a sign of God. Jesus is like, Only assholes ask for signs. And he just walks off like a badass… probably with fire and stuff behind him. And sunglasses; he definitely has sunglasses.

The Yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees- Jesus warns his disciples not to listen to those pharisee bastards. He also suggests, yet again, that his disciples are stupid.

Peter’s Confession of Christ- Jesus asked his disciples whom they thought he was. Peter answered that Jesus was the son of God, the Christ. To which Jesus responded, Fuck yeah! But don’t tell anyone. There’s also some stuff about Jesus building his church and what not.

Jesus Predicts His Death- Jesus predicts his death. The disciples try to make Jesus feel better, telling him that it won’t happen. Jesus responds that he sure as hell will die, and that they better follow him faithfully until then, because if they don’t, they’ll forfeit their souls.


The Transfiguration- Jesus took his favorite three disciples up a mountain, where he was “transfigured.” See? Jesus is about the trans life. His face shown like the sun and Elijah (Elijah is John the Baptist, but the people didn’t recognize him and beheaded him instead) and Moses stood beside Jesus. Then God spoke about how much He loved His son, and then everything went back to normal. Jesus told the three disciples not to tell anyone what they had seen until he had died and risen.

The Healing of the Boy With a Demon- There’s a boy with a demon, obviously, whom the disciples cannot heal. Jesus can. And does. The disciples asked Jesus why they were unsuccessful in healing the boy, and Jesus told them that they lacked faith. Jesus also told them that he would die by the hands of men and be resurrected. This makes the disciples sad, even though they’ve heard this about 15 times already.

The Temple Tax- Jesus gets called out for not paying the temple tax. Eventually he pays, but not before bitching about how the tax collectors exempt their own sons and pull the money from others.


The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven- Jesus’ disciples ask him whom the greatest person is. Jesus shows them a little boy and tells them that the little boy is the greatest, and if they want to get to heaven, they have to be as innocent as the young boy. Also, anyone who causes the young boy to sin goes straight to hell.

The Parable of the Lost Sheep- The moral of this story is: God loves children more than he loves the rest of us. Which is understandable.

A Brother Who Sins Against You- If your brother sins against you, call him out privately. If he doesn’t mend his ways call him out again in front of witnesses. If he still won’t listen, call him out to the church. If he still doesn’t listen treat him like a “pagan or tax collector.” Then Jesus talks about how there is power in numbers when it comes to faith.

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant- The disciples asked Jesus how many times they should forgive their brothers. Jesus pretty much told them to always forgive. There’s a story to back that up, but I don’t want to type out an explanation of said story.


Divorce- Jesus is just going around healing people, when the pharisees decide to be asses again. They ask Jesus if a man is allowed to divorce his wife. Jesus replies with something like this: What the fuck do you not understand about a commitment? What part of “What God has joined together, let man not separate” is fucking hard for you? No, fuck no. Divorcing and remarrying is adultery. 

The Little Children and Jesus- Jesus freaking loves kids. Not Michael Jackson love; he just really likes them.

The Rich Young Man- A young rich guy asks Jesus how he can enter heaven. Jesus tells the guy to sell all of his rich stuff, give to the poor and to follow him (Jesus). But the guy doesn’t, because it’s hard to give up a lot of rich stuff. Jesus tells his disciples that is really hard for rich people to get into heaven. Like really, really hard.


The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard- So there’s this vineyard owner, and he goes out and hires guys to work in his vineyard. Every hour or so, he sends more guys to work, telling them that they will earn a denarius for their trouble. Some work all day, some work a few hours, and everyone gets a denarius. This makes the guys who have been working all day mad, but the employer reminds them that they all agreed to work for the same amount and to shut the fuck up. Jesus says this is what heaven is like. (So just be a dick until you’re pretty sure you’re about to die. That’s what I take from this story.)

Jesus Again Predicts His Death- Jesus talks more about his death than an angry, angsty teenager writing poetry.

A Mother’s Request- A mom asks Jesus to let her two sons sit at his right and left. Jesus kind of says yes, in that they can serve him, but not that they can sit directly beside him. This makes the disciples indignant, but Jesus tells them to chill.

Two Blind Men Receive Sight- Guess who gave them their sight? You can’t guess can you? It was Jesus.


The Triumphal Entry- Jesus told his disciples to go get a specific donkey and her colt for him. They did. Jesus rode that donkey into Jerusalem like a boss.

Jesus at the Temple- Jesus went into the temple in Jerusalem and kicked out anyone wheeling and dealing inside of its walls, because it was to be a house of “prayer,” not a “den of robbers.”

The Fig Tree Withers- Jesus got upset because he was hungry, and the nearest fig tree and zero figs, so he made it wither. The disciples were amazed and wanted to know how Jesus had done that, and Jesus responded that anything can be done if you have faith. Seriously, you can even throw mountains into the sea. If you have enough faith.

The Authority of Jesus Questioned- Jesus was in the temple of Jerusalem preaching, when a bunch of priests walked up and asked Jesus who had given him permission to preach there. Jesus asked them whether John’s baptisms came from God or man. The priests replied that they did not know, so Jesus refused to answer their question.

The Parable of the Two Sons- Jesus tells a story, and the moral is that prostitutes and tax collectors are entering heaven before priests, because the priests are not listening to what God is telling them. Prostitutes=1, Preists=0.

The Parable of the Tenants- Jesus told another story to the priests, the moral to which was that the priests were assholes who would not inherit heaven. The priests were really pissed at this point and tried to figure out a way to get Jesus arrested.

Pause for now, more Matthew next time! We’ll find out if Jesus gets arrested! Except you kind of already know….




One thought on “Matthew is Freaking Long, Dude.

  1. This part of Matthew feels like a tv show where Jesus and his good-hearted but kind of moronic buds cruise around town solving mysteries and picking fights with jerks. They really just need a garishly-painted van and some cute girlfriends. Seriously though, the part of the story when Jesus is around is breezy and carefree. Nothing bad can happen that a little faith won’t fix. Everybody will find someone to take to the big homecoming dance. Show a little repentance and dad won’t ground you much. Grace and root beer floats all around. Good times. Good times. The downside of all of this is later on when Jesus is a two-thousand year-old abstraction that all the hypocrites think belongs to them and no one wants to drive around and solve mysteries anymore or pick fights with jackass Pharisees, because everyone kind of is one. Like every good show, there was that one good season, followed by the 2,000 ones after it that that were totally unwatchable. I love your blog Nichols448. You make religion fun. I’ll bet Jesus would want you on the mystery-solving crew, and not just to be someone’s cute girlfriend.


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