The Parable of the Wedding Banquet- The moral of this one (I think) is that many are invited, but few are chosen, which is how heaven works. You plan this lovely wedding, you invite guests, but they don’t come. The obvious reaction to this is that you burn down everything belonging to the guests you invited, who did not show. This is how I plan to handle my wedding, so if you’re invited, you had better fucking show. After burning and maiming, you realize that you still have zero guests for the wedding, so you invite people off of the street. Then you get upset when you realize that they didn’t dress for this shit, so you have them tied up and thrown out. Normal wedding stuff. Like heaven.
Paying Taxes to Caesar- The pharisees are still up their old tricks, trying to get Jesus arrested. They decide the trick him into giving an answer to a question that would lead to his arrest. They asked him if it is right to pay taxes to Caesar. But Jesus saw through their shit. Probably because he isn’t a complete fucking idiot, and he asks to see the coin used to pay Caesar’s tax. It’s a denarius, so it has Caesar’s face on it, which to Jesus, makes the issue pretty simple. He responds with, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.” Looks like Jesus escaped arrest this time.
Marriage at the Resurrection- More pharisee shenanigans, trying to trick Jesus into saying something stupid. They told Jesus about seven brothers. The first brother married, died, and the wife was passed on to the next brother. All of the brothers died until the wife was married to the seventh brother. What the pharisees wanted to know, is which brother the wife would be married to after her resurrection. Jesus took pity on the bastards for being so stupid and responded that people in heaven aren’t married and stuff, they’re just angels. Just kind of flying around up there, doing angelly stuff, I guess. Also, Jesus added that God is the god of the living, not the dead.
The Greatest Commandment- Jesus decides that the most important commandment is to love God above all else. The second most important one is to love your neighbor as yourself. Pretty easy, right?
Whose Son is the Christ? Jesus flips the script and asks the pharisees a question, “Who is the son of God?” The pharisees respond that they believe David is the son of God. But Jesus explains that David called God “Lord,” not dad. So obviously, that can’t be it.
Seven Woes- Jesus really does not like the pharisees. At all. And he spends a good long while telling them, and everyone else, what he thinks of them. Basically, in Jesus’ opinion, men cannot be true to God because their leaders, the pharisees and Rabbis, are full of shit and lead people in the wrong directions. They are fake pretenders, who make themselves beautiful on the outside, while their insides rot and stink. They worship the gold over the temple and over God. They enjoy grand banquets instead of their duties to God. Overall, they’re just assholes, and Jesus isn’t afraid to throw shade all over them.
Signs of the End of the Age- The disciples want to know when the end times will arrive, so Jesus tells them… kind of. Jesus gives a long speech about how people will think the end times are here, but they won’t be. Shitty stuff is just builds up to the real thing. He also tells the disciples that many people will claim to be the Christ, but they are liars–though they will fool many people. Heaven and earth and everything else will be completely destroyed and will pass away.
The Day and Hour Unknown- Jesus continues his end of the world speech: No one but God knows when all of this will happen. But he will come, unexpectedly, and take those who deserve to go, leaving behind those who do not.
The Parable of the Ten Virgins- This is a stupid story highlighting that you cannot know the day or the hour of the “End of the Age,” because God wants to catch you with your pants down.
The Parable of the Talents- Another horrible story. There’s a this guy with three servants, he gives one servant 5 talents, the second 2 talents and the last 1 talent. The first two go out and double their master’s money, but the last servant is scared and hides his talent. When they all bring their spoils back to their master, the master praises the first two for doubling his money and puts them in charge of many things. The third servant, he is infuriated with and throws him out. The moral is… make the most of what you’ve got? Don’t be a pansy ass? The rich get richer? Dunno.
The Sheep and the Goats- Jesus intends to separate the good from the bad in heaven. The good will get eternal glory, because they fed and/or otherwise helped the “least” of Jesus’ “brothers.” The others will be eternally damned, because they did not nothing for Jesus’ brothers. Politicians are so fucked. Trump is double fucked.
The Plot Against Jesus- Jesus told his disciples that he would soon be arrested and crucified.
Jesus Anointed at Bethany- Jesus was just relaxing at a table, when a woman poured expensive perfume over his head. The disciples were angry with her, because she could have sold the perfume and given the money to the poor, instead of wasting it. But Jesus was like, there will always be poor, but I’m here for a limited time, so she was right to waste it on me. Honestly, this freakin’ guy.
Judas Agrees to Betray Jesus- Judas agrees to hand Jesus over to the pharisees for 30 silver coins.
The Lord’s Supper- Jesus decided to have a fancy dinner with his disciples for Passover. At the dinner, he told them that one of them would betray him. They were all like, What?! Not me! But Jesus called Judas out as the asshole. Then he gave them bread and told them that it was his flesh, gave them wine and told them it was his blood, he told them that he would die as foretold in order to wipe clean the sins of everyone else.
Jesus Predicts Peter’s Denial- Jesus told the disciples that they would scatter and disown him, because he would send them away. Peter swore that he would never disown Jesus, but Jesus told him that not only would Peter disown him, he would do it three times before the night was over.
Gethsemane- Jesus took the disciples to a city called Gethsemane, where he asked them to keep watch and pray with him, but they kept falling asleep. Jesus asked God to rethink the whole killing his son thing, but God doesn’t seem to answer.
Jesus Arrested- Judas walks up with a large crowd, armed with clubs and swords. he kissed Jesus, signaling to the crowd that he was the one they had come for. The seized Jesus and arrested him. One of Jesus’ followers drew his sword to protect Jesus, but Jesus told him to put it away. Jesus told them that this had to happen for the prophecies and forgiveness of man to be fulfilled. The disciples all fled.
Before the Sanhedrin- Jesus was taken to trial, where false witnesses told lies about him. The high priest asked Jesus if he were the Son of Man, and Jesus said yes. The high priest claimed this as blasphemy, and said no other proof was needed to prove that Jesus was guilty and deserved death. They cursed Jesus, spit on him, hit him and altogether acted like assholes.
Peter Disowns Jesus- 3 different people asked Peter is he had been with Jesus, but Peter denied every one of them. Then he realized that Jesus had been correct, and that he had disowned him three times in one night. Afterward, he wept bitterly.
Judas Hangs Himself- Judas realized that Jesus had been condemned to death and felt like shit. He tried to return the money he had gotten from the temple, but they would not take it, because it was blood money. So Judas threw it on the ground and ran out. He hanged himself immediately after. The priests picked up the money and used it to buy a field to make into a burial plot for foreigners.
Jesus Before Pilate- Pilate was a Roman prefect in Judea, who was charged with the criminal, Jesus. Pilate’s wife told him to have nothing to do with Jesus, because he was innocent, and because she had had horrible dreams about him. Pilate tried to get the people to release Jesus at a feast, where it was tradition to release a prisoner. But the people refused out of jealousy, releasing a notorious criminal instead. Pilates told the crowd that he washed his hands of Jesus’ blood, so his blood would be on them. They agreed and demanded that Jesus be crucified.
The Soldiers Mock Jesus- The Roman soldiers took Jesus, stripped him of his clothes, put a scarlet robe and a crown of thorns on him. They mocked him, yelling “Hail, the king of the Jews!” They beat him, replaced his clothes and led him off to execution.
The Crucifixion- Jesus was crucified with two robbers, one his left and one on his right. Everyone who walked by hurled insults at him, saying that the self-proclaimed son of God could not even save himself from the cross. Even the other two guys being crucified had a grand time making fun of Jesus while they all died slowly. Afterward, the soldiers divided up his clothing by lots.
The Death of Jesus- Once Jesus was near death, he called out to God, asking why he had been forsaken. Darkness covered the land. When Jesus died, an earthquake rent the temple, and holy men who had died and been buried there long ago got up and walked the earth. Many saw the walking dead, felt the earthquake and were terrified that they had, in fact, killed the son of God.
The Burial of Jesus- Joseph, one of the disciples, requested the Pilate give him Jesus’ body, which Pilate did. Joseph took the body and buried it in his own tomb, sealing it with a large stone. Mary Magdalene and “the other Mary” sat and watched the tomb.
The Guard of the Tomb- The head pharisee remembered that Jesus had told his disciples that he would rise after the third day, so he had some buddies go to the tomb, seal it as well as they knew how and post a guard. He was afraid the the disciples would steal the body and claim that Jesus had risen.
The Resurrection- On the third day, there was an earthquake, and an angel appeared and rolled away the rock in front of the tomb. The angel told the two Marys, who were still there waiting, that Jesus was not inside, that he had risen and gone to Galilee. The angel sent the two Marys to tell the disciples all of this and to meet Jesus in Galilee. On the way to tell the disciples, Jesus met them and reiterated what the angel had said.
The Guards’ Report- The guards who had kept watch over the tomb, ran back to the pharisees and told them everything that had happened. The pharisees paid the guards a large sum of money to tell all who would listen that the disciples had stolen the body. The guards did as they were asked, and that lie still persists to this day.
The Great Commission- The remaining disciples (all but Judas) met Jesus in Galilee, where he told them to spread his teachings, to baptize followers and lead nations in the ways of God. Not to spoiler alert or anything, but I’m guessing this is how we end up with Catholicism, Christianity and other fun forms of religion.
That’s it for Matthew. FINALLY. Next up, Mark!