Matthew Finishes Up His Bit

Matthew 22:1

The Parable of the Wedding Banquet- The moral of this one (I think) is that many are invited, but few are chosen, which is how heaven works. You plan this lovely wedding, you invite guests, but they don’t come. The obvious reaction to this is that you burn down everything belonging to the guests you invited, who did not show. This is how I plan to handle my wedding, so if you’re invited, you had better fucking show. After burning and maiming, you realize that you still have zero guests for the wedding, so you invite people off of the street. Then you get upset when you realize that they didn’t dress for this shit, so you have them tied up and thrown out. Normal wedding stuff. Like heaven.

Paying Taxes to Caesar- The pharisees are still up their old tricks, trying to get Jesus arrested. They decide the trick him into giving an answer to a question that would lead to his arrest. They asked him if it is right to pay taxes to Caesar. But Jesus saw through their shit. Probably because he isn’t a complete fucking idiot, and he asks to see the coin used to pay Caesar’s tax. It’s a denarius, so it has Caesar’s face on it, which to Jesus, makes the issue pretty simple. He responds with, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.” Looks like Jesus escaped arrest this time.

Marriage at the Resurrection- More pharisee shenanigans, trying to trick Jesus into saying something stupid. They told Jesus about seven brothers. The first brother married, died, and the wife was passed on to the next brother. All of the brothers died until the wife was married to the seventh brother. What the pharisees wanted to know, is which brother the wife would be married to after her resurrection. Jesus took pity on the bastards for being so stupid and responded that people in heaven aren’t married and stuff, they’re just angels. Just kind of flying around up there, doing angelly stuff, I guess. Also, Jesus added that God is the god of the living, not the dead.

The Greatest Commandment- Jesus decides that the most important commandment is to love God above all else. The second most important one is to love your neighbor as yourself. Pretty easy, right?

Whose Son is the Christ? Jesus flips the script and asks the pharisees a question, “Who is the son of God?” The pharisees respond that they believe David is the son of God. But Jesus explains that David called God “Lord,” not dad. So obviously, that can’t be it.


Seven Woes- Jesus really does not like the pharisees. At all. And he spends a good long while telling them, and everyone else, what he thinks of them. Basically, in Jesus’ opinion, men cannot be true to God because their leaders, the pharisees and Rabbis, are full of shit and lead people in the wrong directions. They are fake pretenders, who make themselves beautiful on the outside, while their insides rot and stink. They worship the gold over the temple and over God. They enjoy grand banquets instead of their duties to God. Overall, they’re just assholes, and Jesus isn’t afraid to throw shade all over them.

Signs of the End of the Age- The disciples want to know when the end times will arrive, so Jesus tells them… kind of. Jesus gives a long speech about how people will think the end times are here, but they won’t be. Shitty stuff is just builds up to the real thing. He also tells the disciples that many people will claim to be the Christ, but they are liars–though they will fool many people. Heaven and earth and everything else will be completely destroyed and will pass away.

The Day and Hour Unknown- Jesus continues his end of the world speech: No one but God knows when all of this will happen. But he will come, unexpectedly, and take those who deserve to go, leaving behind those who do not.


The Parable of the Ten Virgins- This is a stupid story highlighting that you cannot know the day or the hour of the “End of the Age,” because God wants to catch you with your pants down.

The Parable of the Talents- Another horrible story. There’s a this guy with three servants, he gives one servant 5 talents, the second 2 talents and the last 1 talent. The first two go out and double their master’s money, but the last servant is scared and hides his talent. When they all bring their spoils back to their master, the master praises the first two for doubling his money and puts them in charge of many things. The third servant, he is infuriated with and throws him out. The moral is… make the most of what you’ve got? Don’t be a pansy ass? The rich get richer? Dunno.

The Sheep and the Goats- Jesus intends to separate the good from the bad in heaven. The good will get eternal glory, because they fed and/or otherwise helped the “least” of Jesus’ “brothers.” The others will be eternally damned, because they did not nothing for Jesus’ brothers. Politicians are so fucked. Trump is double fucked.


The Plot Against Jesus- Jesus told his disciples that he would soon be arrested and crucified.

Jesus Anointed at Bethany- Jesus was just relaxing at a table, when a woman poured expensive perfume over his head. The disciples were angry with her, because she could have sold the perfume and given the money to the poor, instead of wasting it. But Jesus was like, there will always be poor, but I’m here for a limited time, so she was right to waste it on me. Honestly, this freakin’ guy.

Judas Agrees to Betray Jesus- Judas agrees to hand Jesus over to the pharisees for 30 silver coins.

The Lord’s Supper- Jesus decided to have a fancy dinner with his disciples for Passover. At the dinner, he told them that one of them would betray him. They were all like, What?! Not me! But Jesus called Judas out as the asshole. Then he gave them bread and told them that it was his flesh, gave them wine and told them it was his blood, he told them that he would die as foretold in order to wipe clean the sins of everyone else.


Jesus Predicts Peter’s Denial- Jesus told the disciples that they would scatter and disown him, because he would send them away. Peter swore that he would never disown Jesus, but Jesus told him that not only would Peter disown him, he would do it three times before the night was over.

Gethsemane- Jesus took the disciples to a city called Gethsemane, where he asked them to keep watch and pray with him, but they kept falling asleep. Jesus asked God to rethink the whole killing his son thing, but God doesn’t seem to answer.

Jesus Arrested- Judas walks up with a large crowd, armed with clubs and swords. he kissed Jesus, signaling to the crowd that he was the one they had come for. The seized Jesus and arrested him. One of Jesus’ followers drew his sword to protect Jesus, but Jesus told him to put it away. Jesus told them that this had to happen for the prophecies and forgiveness of man to be fulfilled. The disciples all fled.

Before the Sanhedrin- Jesus was taken to trial, where false witnesses told lies about him. The high priest asked Jesus if he were the Son of Man, and Jesus said yes. The high priest claimed this as blasphemy, and said no other proof was needed to prove that Jesus was guilty and deserved death. They cursed Jesus, spit on him, hit him and altogether acted like assholes.

Peter Disowns Jesus- 3 different people asked Peter is he had been with Jesus, but Peter denied every one of them. Then he realized that Jesus had been correct, and that he had disowned him three times in one night. Afterward, he wept bitterly.


Judas Hangs Himself- Judas realized that Jesus had been condemned to death and felt like shit. He tried to return the money he had gotten from the temple, but they would not take it, because it was blood money. So Judas threw it on the ground and ran out. He hanged himself immediately after. The priests picked up the money and used it to buy a field to make into a burial plot for foreigners.

Jesus Before Pilate- Pilate was a Roman prefect in Judea, who was charged with the criminal, Jesus. Pilate’s wife told him to have nothing to do with Jesus, because he was innocent, and because she had had horrible dreams about him. Pilate tried to get the people to release Jesus at a feast, where it was tradition to release a prisoner. But the people refused out of jealousy, releasing a notorious criminal instead. Pilates told the crowd that he washed his hands of Jesus’ blood, so his blood would be on them. They agreed and demanded that Jesus be crucified.

The Soldiers Mock Jesus- The Roman soldiers took Jesus, stripped him of his clothes, put a scarlet robe and a crown of thorns on him. They mocked him, yelling “Hail, the king of the Jews!” They beat him, replaced his clothes and led him off to execution.


The Crucifixion- Jesus was crucified with two robbers, one his left and one on his right. Everyone who walked by hurled insults at him, saying that the self-proclaimed son of God could not even save himself from the cross. Even the other two guys being crucified had a grand time making fun of Jesus while they all died slowly. Afterward, the soldiers divided up his clothing by lots.

The Death of Jesus- Once Jesus was near death, he called out to God, asking why he had been forsaken. Darkness covered the land. When Jesus died, an earthquake rent the temple, and holy men who had died and been buried there long ago got up and walked the earth. Many saw the walking dead, felt the earthquake and were terrified that they had, in fact, killed the son of God.

The Burial of Jesus- Joseph, one of the disciples, requested the Pilate give him Jesus’ body, which Pilate did. Joseph took the body and buried it in his own tomb, sealing it with a large stone. Mary Magdalene and “the other Mary” sat and watched the tomb.

The Guard of the Tomb- The head pharisee remembered that Jesus had told his disciples that he would rise after the third day, so he had some buddies go to the tomb, seal it as well as they knew how and post a guard. He was afraid the the disciples would steal the body and claim that Jesus had risen.


The Resurrection- On the third day, there was an earthquake, and an angel appeared and rolled away the rock in front of the tomb. The angel told the two Marys, who were still there waiting, that Jesus was not inside, that he had risen and gone to Galilee. The angel sent the two Marys to tell the disciples all of this and to meet Jesus in Galilee. On the way to tell the disciples, Jesus met them and reiterated what the angel had said.

The Guards’ Report- The guards who had kept watch over the tomb, ran back to the pharisees and told them everything that had happened. The pharisees paid the guards a large sum of money to tell all who would listen that the disciples had stolen the body. The guards did as they were asked, and that lie still persists to this day.

The Great Commission- The remaining disciples (all but Judas) met Jesus in Galilee, where he told them to spread his teachings, to baptize followers and lead nations in the ways of God. Not to spoiler alert or anything, but I’m guessing this is how we end up with Catholicism, Christianity and other fun forms of religion.

That’s it for Matthew. FINALLY. Next up, Mark!


Matthew is Freaking Long, Dude.

Matthew 14:22

Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand- Jesus was pretty sad about his friend John losing his head. He decided to go off on his own and mourn. With his disciples and five thousand of his followers. The disciples told Jesus that he should send the people away to get food, but Jesus was like, Nah, I’ll just feed them. To which, the disciples pointed out that they only had a few loaves of bread. But Jesus was like, Shut the fuck up, naysayers, and then he fed everybody with the few loaves of bread. Everyone was fat and sassy, and there was even some bread left over.

Jesus Walks on the Water- Jesus sent the crowd away and also sent his disciples out on a boat to cross a body of water. Jesus went and prayed and then decided to catch up with his buddies out on the boat. Not wanting to slow them down to come back for him, he decided just to talk out across the water to the boat. No big. Until the disciples see him and get freakin’ terrified. Jesus is like, It’s just me, guys. Chill. Then Peter decides to test Jesus by also going out and walking on the water, but part of the way out he gets nervous and starts to sink. Jesus saves him, but was also like, Why the fuck would you doubt me, dude? 


Clean and Unclean- Remember those pharisee guys? The self-righteous assholes forever questioning Jesus’ every move? They’re at it again, all Jesus, why don’t your disciples wash their hands before eating? (A fair question if you ask me.) Jesus replies that the pharisees are hypocrites that nitpick constantly about what everyone else is doing, but do not follow the laws of God themselves. Sounds familiar. Then Jesus points out that it is not the things that a man puts into his mouth that makes him unclean; it is what comes out of his mouth. He also calls his disciples dull. HAH. What a jerk.

The Faith of the Canaanite Woman- So a Canaanite woman came to Jesus asking for help, but Jesus wouldn’t help her because God only sent him to help Israelites, or some such nonsense. She begged and begged until Jesus finally gave her what she wanted just to shut her up. He also basically called all non-Israelites dogs… what a jerk. 

Jesus Feeds the Four Thousand- Jesus is still wondering around, healing people. They’re just following like puppies, not even stopping for food, so Jesus has to feed them all again. This time, he fed four thousand with seven loaves of bread.


The Demand for a Sign- The pharisees are still at it, being jerks and questioning Jesus. They demand that Jesus show them a sign of God. Jesus is like, Only assholes ask for signs. And he just walks off like a badass… probably with fire and stuff behind him. And sunglasses; he definitely has sunglasses.

The Yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees- Jesus warns his disciples not to listen to those pharisee bastards. He also suggests, yet again, that his disciples are stupid.

Peter’s Confession of Christ- Jesus asked his disciples whom they thought he was. Peter answered that Jesus was the son of God, the Christ. To which Jesus responded, Fuck yeah! But don’t tell anyone. There’s also some stuff about Jesus building his church and what not.

Jesus Predicts His Death- Jesus predicts his death. The disciples try to make Jesus feel better, telling him that it won’t happen. Jesus responds that he sure as hell will die, and that they better follow him faithfully until then, because if they don’t, they’ll forfeit their souls.


The Transfiguration- Jesus took his favorite three disciples up a mountain, where he was “transfigured.” See? Jesus is about the trans life. His face shown like the sun and Elijah (Elijah is John the Baptist, but the people didn’t recognize him and beheaded him instead) and Moses stood beside Jesus. Then God spoke about how much He loved His son, and then everything went back to normal. Jesus told the three disciples not to tell anyone what they had seen until he had died and risen.

The Healing of the Boy With a Demon- There’s a boy with a demon, obviously, whom the disciples cannot heal. Jesus can. And does. The disciples asked Jesus why they were unsuccessful in healing the boy, and Jesus told them that they lacked faith. Jesus also told them that he would die by the hands of men and be resurrected. This makes the disciples sad, even though they’ve heard this about 15 times already.

The Temple Tax- Jesus gets called out for not paying the temple tax. Eventually he pays, but not before bitching about how the tax collectors exempt their own sons and pull the money from others.


The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven- Jesus’ disciples ask him whom the greatest person is. Jesus shows them a little boy and tells them that the little boy is the greatest, and if they want to get to heaven, they have to be as innocent as the young boy. Also, anyone who causes the young boy to sin goes straight to hell.

The Parable of the Lost Sheep- The moral of this story is: God loves children more than he loves the rest of us. Which is understandable.

A Brother Who Sins Against You- If your brother sins against you, call him out privately. If he doesn’t mend his ways call him out again in front of witnesses. If he still won’t listen, call him out to the church. If he still doesn’t listen treat him like a “pagan or tax collector.” Then Jesus talks about how there is power in numbers when it comes to faith.

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant- The disciples asked Jesus how many times they should forgive their brothers. Jesus pretty much told them to always forgive. There’s a story to back that up, but I don’t want to type out an explanation of said story.


Divorce- Jesus is just going around healing people, when the pharisees decide to be asses again. They ask Jesus if a man is allowed to divorce his wife. Jesus replies with something like this: What the fuck do you not understand about a commitment? What part of “What God has joined together, let man not separate” is fucking hard for you? No, fuck no. Divorcing and remarrying is adultery. 

The Little Children and Jesus- Jesus freaking loves kids. Not Michael Jackson love; he just really likes them.

The Rich Young Man- A young rich guy asks Jesus how he can enter heaven. Jesus tells the guy to sell all of his rich stuff, give to the poor and to follow him (Jesus). But the guy doesn’t, because it’s hard to give up a lot of rich stuff. Jesus tells his disciples that is really hard for rich people to get into heaven. Like really, really hard.


The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard- So there’s this vineyard owner, and he goes out and hires guys to work in his vineyard. Every hour or so, he sends more guys to work, telling them that they will earn a denarius for their trouble. Some work all day, some work a few hours, and everyone gets a denarius. This makes the guys who have been working all day mad, but the employer reminds them that they all agreed to work for the same amount and to shut the fuck up. Jesus says this is what heaven is like. (So just be a dick until you’re pretty sure you’re about to die. That’s what I take from this story.)

Jesus Again Predicts His Death- Jesus talks more about his death than an angry, angsty teenager writing poetry.

A Mother’s Request- A mom asks Jesus to let her two sons sit at his right and left. Jesus kind of says yes, in that they can serve him, but not that they can sit directly beside him. This makes the disciples indignant, but Jesus tells them to chill.

Two Blind Men Receive Sight- Guess who gave them their sight? You can’t guess can you? It was Jesus.


The Triumphal Entry- Jesus told his disciples to go get a specific donkey and her colt for him. They did. Jesus rode that donkey into Jerusalem like a boss.

Jesus at the Temple- Jesus went into the temple in Jerusalem and kicked out anyone wheeling and dealing inside of its walls, because it was to be a house of “prayer,” not a “den of robbers.”

The Fig Tree Withers- Jesus got upset because he was hungry, and the nearest fig tree and zero figs, so he made it wither. The disciples were amazed and wanted to know how Jesus had done that, and Jesus responded that anything can be done if you have faith. Seriously, you can even throw mountains into the sea. If you have enough faith.

The Authority of Jesus Questioned- Jesus was in the temple of Jerusalem preaching, when a bunch of priests walked up and asked Jesus who had given him permission to preach there. Jesus asked them whether John’s baptisms came from God or man. The priests replied that they did not know, so Jesus refused to answer their question.

The Parable of the Two Sons- Jesus tells a story, and the moral is that prostitutes and tax collectors are entering heaven before priests, because the priests are not listening to what God is telling them. Prostitutes=1, Preists=0.

The Parable of the Tenants- Jesus told another story to the priests, the moral to which was that the priests were assholes who would not inherit heaven. The priests were really pissed at this point and tried to figure out a way to get Jesus arrested.

Pause for now, more Matthew next time! We’ll find out if Jesus gets arrested! Except you kind of already know….



John the Baptist Dies Because Incest

Matthew 8:1

The Man with Leprosy- Now apparently, all of that preachy stuff Jesus said from last time, he said from up on a mountain, which is cool right? Guy’s got style. Like I said, this stuff impressed the people he was preaching to, and once he came down from the mountain, they followed him like puppy dogs. One guy, was like Hey Jesus, how about what if you cured my leprosy? You know, to prove to the people that you can. This has nothing to do with personal gain. And Jesus did; he cured the guy. But the guys wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. He was to go straight to a temple and make a sacrifice to God.

The Faith of the Centurion- Some time later, a centurion came to Jesus. He said that his servant was lying in bed, paralyzed and in great suffering. Then the centurion talked about how he was too low for Jesus to enter his home, so Jesus just fixed the guy’s servant from where he was, with just a word.

Jesus Heals Many- First, Jesus heeled Peter’s mother’s fever. Then, he heeled a bunch of other people who had demons in them.

The Cost of Following Jesus- A teacher approached Jesus, wanting to follow him. Jesus started complaining about how he didn’t have a house. The teacher, was like Sure thing, I’ll help you, just let me bury my father first. And Jesus was like, No fool, now. Which makes Jesus sound like kind of a jerk.


Jesus Calms the Storm- Jesus and his buddies were out on a boat, when a huge storm came out of nowhere! The buddies were sure they would all die, but Jesus “rebuked” the storm and calmed it. The buddies were awed and maybe a little fearful that even the wind and waves followed Jesus’ word.

The Healing of Two Demon-posssessed Men- Jesus comes across two demon-possessed dudes. He cures the two guys of their demons, but in doing so, he sent the demons into some nearby pigs. And then the entire herd of pigs ran off of a cliff or something and died. After that, people in the area wanted Jesus out. I mean, he killed their pigs! Although, I’m not sure why anyone would have been keeping pigs. They aren’t supposed to be eaten, and what else can you do with a herd of pigs?

Jesus Heals a Paralytic- Yep, another one. He also forgave the paralytic’s sins, which made some people think that Jesus was blaspheming.


The Calling of Matthew- Jesus walked by Matthew, who was sitting outside of a tax collection office, and commanded Matthew to follow him. Matthew did. Then they went and ate with a bunch of tax collectors. When asked why he would eat with tax-collecting sinners, Jesus responded that he was there to help the sinners, not the righteous.

Jesus Questioned About Fasting- John’s disciples (John the Baptist, I think) asked Jesus why his disciples didn’t have to fast. Jesus replied that they would after Jesus was gone. Foreshadowing!

A Dead Girl and  a Sick Woman- Some lady had been bleeding for like, 12 years or something, and Jesus healed her. Oh yeah, and he brought a dead girl back to life.

Jesus Heals the Blind and Mute- These subtitles are killing my story telling. This story does make clear that Jesus only heals those who truly believe that he has the power to do so. He also heals another demon-possessed guy, and some people pointed out that only a demon could drive out demons. They jelly.

The Workers are Few- Jesus went around doing cool stuff. He noticed that there were a lot of people with no work, so he found jobs for them in the fields.


Jesus Sends out the Twelve- At this point, Jesus has his twelve disciples: Simon (aka, Peter. No, I don’t know why), Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, another James, Thaddaeus, Simon, Judas and Matthew. God gave the twelve the powers to heal diseases and drive out demons. He sent them out to what remained of the Israelites to heal and preach. Jesus told the disciples that they would be persecuted but not to fear. Jesus also pointed out that he was not there to “bring peace, but a sword.” So that kind of shits on the whole “Peace on Earth” Christmas theme. Furthermore, Jesus said that he was there to turn families against each other, because each member of each family should love him more than each other. This guy has fucking issues. Probably caused by daddy. The main theme of this section, I think, is that the twelve are to go out and decide who is righteous and who is not.

Jesus and John the Baptist- Jesus went back to Galilee to continue preaching. Galilee is where, if you’ll remember, Jesus left his friend, John the Baptist, to rot in prison. JtB is still there, rotting, but when he hears that Jesus is back, he sends his disciples to ask Jesus if he  was the prophesied savior. To which Jesus was like, Hells yeah. Then Jesus preached some confusing stuff about John, whom he seems to both like and dislike.

Woe on Unrepentant Cities- Jesus denounces the cities where he has performed miracles that have not repented. Apparently, they’ll be sorrier than Sodom on judgment day. Jesus is starting to sound a lot like his father at this point.

Rest for the Weary- Jesus thanks God for making him way legit and tells everyone that their souls will find rest if they just follow him. Sounds like a death sentence to me.


Lord of the Sabbath- Jesus and his twelve are walking through a field, and they’re hungry, so the guys start to eat some food from the field. The catch? (Other than stealing) is that it happens to be the Sabbath. Some people questioned Jesus on why his men were allowed to pick from the field on the Sabbath, and Jesus was like, Because I’m Jesus, bitch. And then he healed a guy, because there’s never a bad time to help the sick and needy. At this point, there are some who begin to plot how they might kill Jesus.

God’s Chosen Servant- Surprise, it’s Jesus! Jesus is the chosen servant.

Jesus and Beelzebub- Beelzebub is the prince of demons. Jesus saved another possessed guy, and people again questioned is Jesus was this Bumblebee guy because he could control demons. To which Jesus was all, A house divided against itself cannot stand, so how can I stand with the devil and also cast the spirits out? Just doesn’t make sense, bro. Jesus also has some harsh words for these guys who keep questioning his every move, the pharisees (aka uptight, self-righteous asswipes).

The Sign of Jonah- The pharisees tell Jesus that if he’s so cool, he should show them a miracle. Jesus basically tells them to piss off. Also, that they’re generation is evil.

Jesus’ Mother and Brothers- Jesus’ mom and brothers wanted to talk to him, but  Jesus said no and added that his disciples were his real family, because they did the will of God. Ouch. What happened to honor thy mother?


The Parable of the Sower- This story and the next few are parables that Jesus told his followers. Why, you might ask would Jesus speak in parables? His twelve wanted to know the same thing. Because, Jesus responded, These idiots understand nothing, so I have to speak in riddles. The parable of the sower is about seeds that land in three different place, on a pathway where the dirt was shallow and could not support them. Others fell on a rocky area where the seeds were quickly choked out. The third, fell in deep soil and produced well. This is like people, according to Jesus, because some never get behind the faith, others get it at first and lose it quickly when faced with adversity, but some live in it deeply and for their entire lives.

The Parables of the Mustard Seed and Yeast- The mustard seed is the tiniest seed, but when planted, produces a large tree. The one about yeast is even weirder. Heaven is like yeast and other stuff kneaded into bread.

The Parable of the Weeds Explained- The disciples wanted a particular parable explained. I’m not sure what the parable was, but the meaning is that anyone who causes sin will die horribly. Horribly.

The Parable of the Hidden Treasure and the Pearl- Sell all of your shit and buy heaven instead.

The Parable of the Net- Heaven is like a fishing net. Once you bring it up full, you have to separate the good fish from the bad. That’s like heaven. The angels separate the good people from the bad and throw the bad ones into a fiery prison.


A Prophet without Honor- Jesus went to preach in a synagogue, and at first the people were impressed, but then they remembered that he was the son of a carpenter, just a normal dude. So they stuck up their noses at him, and Jesus didn’t show them his best tricks because of it.

I would stop here, but I promised you a beheading.

John the Baptist is Beheaded- So King Herod really doesn’t like John the Baptist; he’s the one who put him in prison, remember? Why? Well, it’s stupid, really. No, really. Herod’s brother had a wife (who is a nasty piece of work), and John told Herod that it was not right for his brother to have that wife. Zero specifics on why. So, into jail John went. Later, the daughter of that nasty piece of work danced for and pleased Herod and his visitors. In fact, she pleased him (her effing uncle) with her dance (what kind of dance was this?) that he told her that she could have anything her heart decided. Goaded by her mother, the girl asked for John’s the Baptist’s head on a platter. And she got it. You won’t see that on an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen.” Or you might; rich people are nuts and do not answer to our laws.

That’s it for now! More death and destruction coming your way, next time!




Jesus Takes the Wheel and the Storyline

Alright, first thing’s first: I had intended to write a sum up of the Old Testament, to tell you how I felt about the whole thing in general. I didn’t do it. Why? Lifey stuff. Also, laziness. So here it is: God is a petulant, narcissistic wreck; people are selfish and absolutely fallible; there are many things that tick God off, such as gay people and sorcery, and also pretty much everything else that people do, but nothing comes close to touching the blinding anger He feels toward fake, proud, judgmental bastards. Also, He insists that we care for one another. Weird. Anywhoozle. Onward.

Matthew 1:1

The Genealogy of Jesus- Dad=David, Abraham and also God. Mary was a busy lady. Mother’s side doesn’t matter. Apparently, there were 14 generations between Abraham and David, 14 more between David and exile, plus 14 between exile the birth of Jesus.

The Birth of Jesus Christ- We all know this one. Mary was all set to marry Joseph, when she suddenly came down with a bad case of impregnated by God. Seriously, old-school Greek style. Joseph, being a stand-up guy, was going to divorce her privately, so as not to make her a laughing stock, but an angel came to him. The angel told Joseph that Mary was a good girl, and that God for serious had impregnated her. The angel also told him to name the kid Jesus, even though it seems like God preferred the name, Immanuel. Joseph did as he was told.

The Visit of the Magi- These are the three kings from that one Christmas song. They saw a star and realized that it meant a king had been born, and they should go to that new king. On their way to Jesus’ birthplace, the kings were stopped by Herod, King of Galilee (New Israel, kind of?). Herod wanted the three kings to tell him where Jesus would be born, so that he could go worship too. The kings agreed, but were later told in a dream to tell Herod nothing, so they told him nothing. They went on to Jesus’ birthplace, gave him stuff, worshipped him and went home.


The Escape to Egypt- Turns out, Herod wanted to kill Jesus, which is why he tried to get info out of the Magi. An angel once again came to Joseph, telling him to take Jesus and Mary and flee to Egypt until Herod had died. And they did. Back in Jerusalem, Herod was furious when he learned that the Magi had shirked him. Because he did not know where to find Jesus, he made an order that every male child under two years of age in the city of Bethlehem be killed. And it was done. There’s a creepy poem about it.

Return to Nazareth- Once Herod died, another angel appeared to Joseph, telling him that it was safe to go back to Jerusalem. But Joseph was afraid of Herod’s son, Archelaus, who was now ruling, so he went and hid in Nazareth instead.

John the Baptist Prepares the Way- There’s a dude called John the Baptist. He’s a pretty simple guy. He goes around telling people to “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near.” You know, stuff we would have someone hospitalized for today. He also baptized people in the river and told of the coming of a man who was even more great than himself. He also called out the fakes and phonies trying to be baptized.

The Baptism of Jesus- Jesus came to John the Baptist to be baptized, but John was convinced that he wasn’t good enough to baptize Jesus and said as much. Jesus told him to chill, and John baptized him. When he was baptized, Jesus came up out of the water, the heavens opened, Jesus saw the Spirit of the Lord and God proclaimed His love for His son.


The Temptation of Jesus- Then the “spirit” took Jesus out into the desert to be “tested” by “the devil.” Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, at which point the devil tried to tempt Jesus into being a jerk, but Jesus wasn’t having it and remained loyal to God. So the devil gave up, and angels attended to Jesus.

Jesus Begins to Preach- Jesus found out that John the Baptist has been imprisoned, so Jesus went elsewhere. He didn’t help his friend, he just left him there. Anyway, once relocated, Jesus also began to preach the whole, “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near.”

The Calling of the First Disciples- Jesus randomly walks around luring fishermen away from their boats, telling them that he will make them “fishers of men.” Creepy, right? So far he’s got Peter, Andrew, James and John.

Jesus Heals the Sick- Just what it says. Jesus walked around preaching and healing people.  People gathered from all over Galilee (Syria, today) to be healed by Jesus.


The Beatitudes- Jesus blesses the poor, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers and those who are persecuted. Plus, he blessed those who had been talked about behind their backs for their loyalty to Jesus and God, for the prophets had met the same fate.

Salt and Light- Jesus tells people that they are the salt of the earth, but to not lose their saltiness, because it cannot be replaced. No, really. He also tells them to shine their good deeds upon the world like a light on a stand.

The Fulfillment of the Law- Jesus tells the people that he is not there to challenge or change the laws and commandments of his people, just to strengthen and teach them. Making him the original J-Law. Move the fuck over, Miss Lawrence. He also says that those who do not live by those laws will not make it into heaven.


Murder- (Everything form here on out is in Jesus’ words. Not exactly his words, I’m taking artistic license.) Don’t murder anyone. Also, settle differences quickly, particularly with your brother or anyone taking you to court.

Adultery- Don’t commit adultery. Don’t even look at a woman lustfully, because that’s a sin too. If you do, gauge out your eye, because it’s better than letting yourself sin. (Notice it doesn’t say, if you look at a woman lustfully, slut shame her for wearing a mini skirt.)

Divorce- I know it’s been said that if you divorce your wife, you just have to give her a certificate, but it’s worse than that. Don’t do it at all. At least for anything other than unfaithfulness, because if you do, you are forcing her to become an adulterer.

Oaths- You’ve been told not to break your oaths, but you really should not be swearing at all. “Let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ be no.” Anything more serious than that is evil.

An Eye for an Eye- No, no, no scratch eye for an eye. Give in to the evil person: if they strike you, turn the other cheek. Don’t deny people they things they ask of you, go an extra mile for them.

Love for Enemies- Love everyone. Be perfect, like God. If you’re only nice to those who are nice to you, you’re no better than a pagan.


Giving to the Needy- When you give to the needy, which you sure as fuck should be doing, do it in secret. Only asshats and fakes have to announce their good deeds to everyone. Do it in secret, and God will see and reward you.

Prayer- Same goes with prayer. Don’t go about praying in the streets like a show off. Pray in privacy, with the door shut. Also, you should understand that you have to forgive others of their sins, or God won’t forgive you of yours.

Fasting- Don’t make a show out of how miserable you are during fasting. Act normal, for goodness sake.

Treasures in Heaven- Don’t build up earthly treasures that can be destroyed or stolen. Build up your wealth in heaven. “You cannot serve both God and money.” Boom, you Cheetos-Looking bastard!

Do Not Worry- Chill the fuck out. Stop worrying about your housing and clothing. Birds don’t worry about that shit, but God still provides for them. Is life not more important that the things in it?


Judging Others- Don’t judge others. Just don’t. God will judge you in the exact same way. Fix yourself before trying to fix others.

Ask, Seek, Knock- If you need help, ask. If you need guidance, seek. If you need either, knock. God will open the door for you. Do unto others and all that. That is the summation of all of God’s laws.

The Narrow and Wide Gates- The narrow gate leads to life. It is narrow because few ever find it. The wide gate leads to destruction, lots of people seek that shit out. Always pick the narrow gate.

A Tree and Its Fruit- A tree is like a prophet. You can weed out the bad ones by judging their fruit. Bad trees can’t produce good fruit. Bad prophets can’t produce good faith. Or something like that.

The Wise and Foolish Builders- If you listen to me, you’re a wise dude. You built your house on a rock, where it cannot be destroyed. If you don’t listen to me, you’re an idiot, and you built your house on sand. That shit’s as good as destroyed already.

After Jesus said all of this stuff, the people were amazed and trusted him.

That’s it for today. Next time, we’ll read about cool stuff Jesus did. Plus, a beheading.

The Very Last Groundhog’s Day, Promise!

Malachi 1:1

God spoke to Malachi, whom I am fairly certain was the main evil kid in Children of the Corn. I’m already terrified, and God hasn’t even started talking about killing people yet!

Jacob Loved, Esau Hated- I (God) loved Jacob and gave him stuff. I hated his brother, Esau, and destroyed everything he built. I will do this with everybody, destroy their stuff. Just to impress My people (the ones I love, seemingly chosen at random).

Blemished Sacrifices- My priests suck a fatty. They bring me blind and disabled animals as sacrifices! Does that sounds like a sacrifice to you? Would your boss be happy if you brought that to him? Fuck no. I am a great king! Treat me like one!


Admonition for the Priests- You guys suck! Straighten up, or I’ll curse you! Too late, I already cursed you. You will regret giving me shit sacrifices and being biased in matters of the law!

Judah Unfaithful- You guys were unfaithful to me. You took up with other gods and wonder why I no longer accept your offerings. Duh, you cheated! And don’t divorce your wives, I hate that. You made a covenant of marriage, stick to it.

The Day of Judgment- You assholes do a bunch of evil stuff, and then cry about how evil others are and how I don’t punish them. Seriously? I will bring judgment down upon you! “I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me!” 3:5


Robbing God- You are robbing Me of My rightful love, adoration and tithing. You think I do not see how fake you are in asking for My help, but I see it! The day when I fuck your shit up will show you the distinction between good and evil, because right now, you can’t tell!

The Day of the Lord- The day will come when I burn the fake and dishonest into ashes. I will save those who do right and set them on their enemies like a plague! Before the day when the Lord comes, I will send Elijah as a prophet to ready you. If you have not kept the laws of Moses, I will strike you down with plague!

The end!

Holy shit, guys, that’s the end of the Old Testament! FINALLY!

The Groundhog’s Day Where Bill Murray was Close to Escaping but Not Quite There

Zechariah 1:1

I used to call my brother, Zachary, Zechariah when I wanted to be mean and infer that he was a girly girl. That was before I was a woke, badass feminist. Girl on, Zechariah!

A Call to Return to the Lord- Your forefathers were dicks, which is why I (God) had to punish them. But repent and return to My ways, and we can all be cool!

The Man Among the Myrtle Trees- Zechariah had a dream about a dude riding a red horse through myrtle trees. This struck him as odd, so he asked the angel standing beside him (not odd, apparently) what gives? God spoke through the angel, that they were sent there throughout the earth by God. Bored by the dude and the lame answer, Zechariah asked the angel how long God intended to be angry with His people. The angel responded that God had only been a little angry, but the Israelites had made it worse by being dicks. Then God promised that He was almost done being pissed and would resume His favoritism/love for His chosen people soon.

A Man with a Measuring Line- Same dream. Now there’s an angel with a measuring line, who says he is going to use it to measure Israel. Not metaphorically. Then God tells Zech that the new Jerusalem will not have walls, because there will be too many people for that sort of nonsense, but God Himself will act as a wall of fire to protect His people. God also talks about destroying Babylon some more.


Clean Garments for the High Priest- Zech has another weird dream. This time, he sees Joshua (just some dude?) standing between an angel and Satan (it says that Satan was there to “accuse” Joshua), but the angel “rebuked” Satan and gave Joshua nice, clean clothes, thereby taking away Joshua’s sin. God announced that Joshua was now the High Priest. Then God talks some more about how cool everyone’s new life will be once the Israelites come home and begin to worship Him properly.

The Gold Lampstand and the Two Olive Trees- Another dream. So there’s a gold lampstand flanked by two olive trees. Zech asks God what it’s all about. God replies “You do not know?” because God is kind of a condescending asshole. Then He explains that the golden lampstand represents His temple or His spirit or both. Not sure. And the olive tress on either side represent the two people who are anointed to serve Him.

The Flying Scroll- Same dream, only now there’s a flying scroll. This fuckin’ guy. God explained that the scroll was the curse He was sending out over the land. The curse would banish all thieves, and anyone who swore themselves to the Lord untruthfully. *cough* Southern Baptists.

The Woman in a Basket- Now there’s a flying basket, and apparently it is a measuring basket, whatever that means. God lifts up the lid and sitting inside is a woman. Zech asks why that is, because it seems strange. God replies that the woman “is wickedness.” Oh, here we go! So God sent “wickedness” and her basket to Babylon to sit there until the time was right and then cause Babylon’s downfall. Because women are evil and cause the downfall of all things. Obviously.


Four Chariots- And now there’s, you guessed it! Four chariots in the dream. One chariot has a red hose, one a black, one a white and one a dappled horse. The angel told Zech that these were the “four spirits of heaven” going out into the earth. One chariot was sent in each cardinal direction. Then God pointed out that the horse sent to the north had given God’s spirit a “rest” there.

A Crown for Joshua- God tells Zech to gather up some gold and have a crown made for Joshua, the new high priest guy. Then He announced that some guy named “Branch” would branch out and build the temple of the Lord. God’s lame play on words, not mine. Then He named four more dudes to be priests and announced that as long as everyone “diligently” followed His rules, everyone would live in peace.

Justice and Mercy, Not Fasting- Some people were trying to find out from the prophets if they should continue to fast in the name of the Lord. So Zech asked him. God responded that the people had only fasted for Him in words only, and that they really only did such things for themselves. Instead God suggested, they should “Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.” You know, all of the shit the people had gotten in trouble for not doing in the first place.


The Lord Promises to Bless Jerusalem- I (God) really miss My people. In fact, “I am burning with jealousy for her.” Creepy. So I’ll bring them all back and punish those who cursed them. I am going to do as much good for you as a I did bad to your forefathers. So, a lot of good. All you have to do is, “Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts; do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not love to swear falsely. I hate all this.” 8:16 It is going to be so awesome, that people from all over the world will come and ask to join the Israelites, because they will al be so impressed (terrified?) of Me.

Judgment on Israel’s Enemies:  An Oracle- Just another iteration of how much God intends to destroy the enemies of His people.

The Coming of Zion’s King- Guys, this is going to be so awesome! There won’t be war and peace will reign supreme!

The Lord Will Appear- And God is going to wear you guys like stones in His crown, and He is going to look amazing!


The Lord Will Come for Judah- Once again, saving Judah and the Israelites, destroying everyone else.

Two Shepherds- Long allegory where the two shepherds mislead and do not properly care for their flock. So God takes the flock but tires of them, so he lets them destroy themselves.

Jerusalem’s Enemies to be Destroyed: An Oracle- You get it.

Mourning for the One They Pierced- After I (God) destroy Israel’s enemies, the nation will weep that they ever treated Me in the way that they did. Weep, I tell you!


Cleansing from the Sin- On the day that I fix everything, and the people weep, I will bring forth a fountain to wash everyone of their sins! And then fake prophets will be stabbed by their own parents. At that point, they’ll realize they’ve been shitty fake prophets and realize that they are farmers instead.

The Shepherd Struck, the Sheep Scattered- More stuff about God comparing his people to naughty shepherds and scattered sheep.

The Lord Comes and Reigns- God got really mad at His people and let them be killed and raped and enslaved and stuff. But now He will put them back in Israel and destroy all of their enemies. But there will be some enemies left. But those enemies will be so awed by what God just did (destroying their families and homes and stuff) that they will come back on their knees to worship God. And if they don’t, God will just withhold rain until they all die.

The end!

Next up, Malachi!


Groundhog’s Day #… Lost Count

Haggai 1:1

A Call to Build the House of the Lord- Haggai, is it right that you bastards live in your nice little houses, while My (God’s) house lies in ruins? Fuck no. Build that shit. Have you not noticed that “you have planted much, but harvest little. You eat but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it. 1:6” That shit is because of Me. I’m mad about my fucked up house: fix it.

So the people banded together and started to fix God’s house.  A literal house, with wood and stuff. This took place under the rule of the Persian King, Darius.

The Promised Glory of the New House- Guys, this house is going to be awesome! Does anyone even remember what the old one looked like? No?Ask old people; someone has to remember. Have no fear, just work hard and build My house! I will protect you!


Blessings for a Defiled People- Remember how hard you were working, and how I fucked it up for you? That’s because I was mad at you, but that can all change now that I’ve punished you really, really badly. We are gonna have the best time!

Zerubbabel the Lord’s Signet Ring- I’m going to make you guys, what remains of My people, like a signet ring. Meaning I chose you. And I’m going to destroy everyone I didn’t choose. Like, really destroy them.

The end!

Next up, Zechariah! And guess what?!?!!? We’re almost done with this repetitive prophet stuff! Two more books before we arrive at the New Testament and get Jesusy up in here!

Groundhog’s Day #183 (Yeah, Still)

Zephaniah 1:1

Zephaniah received the word of God. He’s the son of some guy, who is the son of some guy, who is the son of some guy, who is the son of some guy who was alive during the reign of some king, who was the son of another king of Judah.

Warning of Coming Destruction- I’m (God) going to sweep everything, man and animal, off of the face of the earth. Just like I promised I wouldn’t do in that covenant that had something to do with a rainbow. Still gonna do it.

Against Judah- I’m going to cause havoc, because you bastards won’t stop worshipping other gods and idols. You’re going to be really sorry.

The Great Day of the Lord- My great day is when I  finally kill all of you. Now, if you are righteous and “humble,” ask for forgiveness and maybe, maybe, I’ll spare you. Probably not though.


Against Philistia- I’m going to wipe out Philistine, so that My people can live there once I’ve punished them. If you’re a Philistine, I give zero fucks for you.

Against Moab and Ammon- The people of Moab and Ammon made fun of My people. So I will destroy them and give their lands to the “remnants” of My people.

Against Cush- You too, Cush.

Against Assyria- Also among the future dead.


The Future of Jerusalem- The leaders, priests and officials have become like lions, arrogant and treacherous. So I will destroy them. I will leave behind the “meek and humble” to inherit and survive. My name alone will be on their lips.

Again and again the Bible proves to me that God would not approve of a Trump presidency. Trump is the lion, treacherous and arrogant. He is not looking out for the meek and humble. Our nation has turned to the idols of money and power, worshipping false prophets and leaving the weaker of us behind. No, I’m sorry. I do not think God would approve of our shining city on the hill. Not at all.

The end!

Next up, Haggai!

Groundhog’s Day #174

Habakkuk 1:1

Habakkuk is just another oracle.

Habakkuk’s Complaint- God, I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for quite some time, because I’m surrounded by injustice, pain and all-around douchebaggery.

The Lord’s Answer- Yeah, I know! I’m on it! I’m going to raise up these guys who call themselves the Babylonians. They are going to be seriously badass, but the only god they recognize is their own strength.

Habakkuk’s Second Complaint- Yeah, ok, whatever. What I’m saying is there are a bunch of evil dudes, going around creating havoc, and you’re not doing anything about it! Wtf?


The Lord’s Answer- Yeah, I know the evil dudes suck! They are the Babylonians. I’m raising them up to destroy them though, so it’s cool. They’ve built their shit by dishonest, unjust and cruel means (cough, Trump), so I will bring all of them to their knees and teach them some manners. By killing them. Are you writing this down? Write this shit down.

Habakkuk’s Prayer- God, I’ve heard a lot about you. You are a terrifying, magnificent dude. When you say that you’ll take care of this shit, I believe you! So even though my life and the world around me is miserable, I am happy and take faith in your word that you will clean this shit up!

The end!

Up next, Zephaniah.

Groundhog’s Day #162

Nahun 1:1

Nahun was an oracle who oracled destructiony shit about Nineveh (the Assyrian city).

The Lord’s Anger Against Nineveh- God is a badass who completely destroys every foe. He was mad at Judah, but now He is over it, so He is going to completely destroy Nineveh and its people in order to secure the release of His own people, the Israelites.

Nineveh to Fall- The title of this section pretty much sums it up.


Woe to Nineveh- Nineveh is full of liars and show-offy bastards. All of their nonsense started with one “harlot.” She is a wanton, lust-filled, sorceress, skank hoe who ruined it for everyone (there are a few different theories on this verse: the harlot could represent Assyria itself, spreading idolatry, or possibly just one really nasty lady ruining shit for everybody). So I’m (God) going to lift up her skirts and show everyone her nakedness. You think you’re so cool, Nineveh, but you’re no better than any of the other cities that I have destroyed. You think you have this great army, but all of your troops are women, so hah! (No really, it says that, “Look at your troops–they are all women! 3:13” Try and protect yourself, but I will destroy you. And everyone will be happy about it, because you’ve been dicks to seriously everyone.

The end!

Next up, Habakkuk!