Groundhog’s Day #112

Micah 1:1

Micah was another one of those either a prophet or a dude on a lot of drugs type of guys.

Judgment Against Samaria and Jerusalem- They (Samaria and Jerusalem) worship idols. Dead. Totally gonna be dead.

Weeping and Mourning- After I (God) kill all of you, I intend to go about crying and mourning. I suggest you do the same now, because I’m about to kill your children.

Man’s Plans and God’s- You fuckers (Israelites) are defrauding the poor and stealing the inheritance of others. Just another reason to kill all of you.

False Prophets- You guys suck so badly that you deserve the false prophets who lie to your faces.

Deliverance Promised- But I will bring you guys back together one day. It will be like a cool reunion. Like if the cast of Firefly got back together (please get back together!!!)

3:1

Leaders and Prophets Rebuked– This is mostly the fault of the leaders and false prophets who led my people astray. Everyone is gonna die, and it will mostly be their fault!

The Mountains of the Lord- In the future, when I stop punishing you guys and bring you all back together for our reunion, there will be no more war! Everyone will live in peace. “All the nations may walk in the name of their gods; we will walk in the name of the Lord our God forever and ever. 4:5” It’ll be like that song John Lennon wrote.

The Lord’s Plan– Scratch that John Lennon thing. Once I bring you back together, you’ll tear apart nations that I don’t like. And you’ll all love me. Like, a lot!

5:1

A Promised Ruler from Bethlehem- A guy from Bethlehem is gonna be your leader and lead you to greatness!

Deliverance and Destruction- Once My people have learned their lesson, I will deliver them and completely fucking destroy My, I mean our, enemies with them.

The Lord’s Case Against Israel- I have done some pretty fantastic shit to prove Myself to you guys. What do I require in return? Your cows, your children? No. Only that you act with mercy and walk humbly beside Me.

Israel’s Guilt and Punishment- You guys lie, steal and cheat. Why would I acquit you of those sins? I won’t. I’ll kill you.

7:1

Israel’s Misery- Woe is me (Micah, I think)!!! You guys suck, and we’re all going to be punished for it! You won’t be able to trust anyone, not even your own children! It will be chaos when God reigns punishment down on all of us!

Israel Will Rise- Though Israel falls, it’s enemies should not gloat! Because we will be back! And we will fuck their shit up!

Prayer and Praise- When Israel does rise up, it will scare the shit out of everyone else! They will come to Israel, trembling and in fear of our God! It will be awesome!

The end!

As always, nations were referred to throughout as “she,” and “she” is always the sinner and the one to be punished for “her” sins.

Up next, Nahun!

 

Advertisements

There’s Not an Actual Whale in this Tale?!?!

Jonah 1:1

Jonah Flees From the Lord- God wanted Jonah to go to Nineveh to “preach against” it. God wanted to destroy the city for being naughty, but being a stand-up guy, He didn’t want to destroy it without proper warning. Jonah decided to not do as the Lord had asked and ran away instead. In his flight from God, Jonah boarded a ship and set out to sea. This, understandably, really pissed God off, and He sent a horrible storm to Jonah’s ship. All of the men on the ship were terrified and prayed to their individual gods. Throughout all of this, Jonah is fucking sleeping away below decks. The captain found Jonah, and was like dude, the fuck? So Jonah got his lazy ass out of bed, and all of the men on the boat cast lots to decide who was at fault for the storm. The lot, of course, fell to Jonah (because he did, after all, cause it). Now, Jonah had already told the other men on the boat that he was running form God, but apparently that didn’t bother them until the storm and stuff had happened. Jonah told the guys to throw him into the sea and save themselves. At first, the guys refuse and tried to row back to land, but as the storm worsened, they changed their minds and threw Jonah out to sea. They apologized profusely of course, asked forgiveness from God and even sacrificed stuff to Him, so it’s almost like they didn’t kill a guy. But God took pity and sent a fish (not whale) to eat Jonah. And there, in the fish’s tummy, Jonah stayed for three days and three nights.

2:1

Jonah’s Prayer- Jonah decided that being alive inside of a fish was way better than being dead in the sea. He prayed to God, thanking Him for His kindness and vowing to be the best, little Israelite forever after. At which point, God takes pity on Jonah again and “commanded” the fish to “vomit Jonah up on dry land.” Lovely.

Jonah Goes to Nineveh- God asked Jonah, again, to go to Nineveh and preach His word. This time Jonah obeyed. Jonah warned the people that they had been naughty, that God intended to punish them and that they needed to repent. And they repented. No seriously, they fucking repented. They fasted, put on sackcloth and quit being dicks. And guess what? God took mercy on them and did not bring destruction down upon them. Like what?

4:1

Jonah’s Anger at the Lord’s Compassion- What the title says: Jonah becomes pissed that the Lord didn’t do what He said He was going to do, and told the Lord as much. To which, God responded with shut up, pipsqueak. But Jonah wanted to be a little bitch, so he went off on his own to pout. While pouting, God grew a vine for Jonah, to shield him from the sun. Jonah loved his vine. Then God killed Jonah’s vine, meaning Jonah had no relief from the sun, which made Jonah want to die. (Jonah is seriously a shithead.) Then God spoke to Jonah, why should you be mad about that vine? You didn’t do anything to tend it. I did that. Why should you care? But Nineveh is a great city with many people in it (most of them idiots), why should I not look after them? Ok, God didn’t call the people of Nineveh idiots, but He did say that they “cannot tell their right from their left,” so maybe he meant innocent and naive? I’m sticking with idiots.

The end!

Next up, Micah, followed by six more of these repetitive prophet, book things.

 

Groundhog’s Day #89

Obadiah 1:1

Obadiah has either a) visions from God or b) really good shrooms.

Here is his vision:

God spoke of the people of Edom, and His opinion of those people is not very high. He thinks they’re a bunch of proud bastards. Which God intends to change by setting everyone, friend or foe, against Edom. Their crime? Basking in the subtle glow of the destruction of Judah. Also not helping the Israelites; that was bad too. (I guess something about seeing a people in desperate need of help but doing nothing to help those people gets God’s goat.) God is going to completely destroy Edom, and when He is done being mad this His own people, He will bring them back to live in the land that was once Edom, so HAH!

The end!

Up next, Jonah!

Groundhog’s Day #72

Amos 1:1

Amos was an Israelite shepherd before either Israel or Judah had fallen.

Judgment on Israel’s Neighbors- I (God) will violently kill everyone in Damascus, Gaza, Tyre, Moab and Ammon. Because they made war on Gilead and carried people off into slavery (on my command). I will also violently kill many people in Judah for worshipping foreign gods (not on my command).

Judgment on Israel- Israel isn’t getting away unscathed; I’ll violently kill a bunch of them too. They mistreated the poor for their own gain and drank too much.

3:1

Witnesses Summoned Against Israel- The witness against Israel is Me, God. You guys suck, and I’m gonna fuck your shit up. You think you’re so cool in your mansions with your ivory and stuff, but that will be the first to go!

Israel Has Not Returned to God- I’ve already done a lot of messed up shit to you guys, but you just don’t quit! I sent plagues and withheld rain, but to no avail! You continue to sin and then sacrifice to Me as if I don’t know what you’ve been up to! Not only that, you brag about how much you sacrifice to me, like you should get a damn award or something. I did a lot of bad shit to you, but you’re still being assholes, so now I’m gonna do more bad shit and hope that this bad shit works better than the previous bad shit to make you love Me.

5:1

A Lament and Call to Repentance- Now, guys, I might let you by with a pass if you will stop screwing over the needy. You fuck them over for your own gain; you fuck them over in court. Just stop it. If not, I will go Almighty God on your asses!

The Day of the Lord- In honor of how much sucking you guys do, I’m going to make a special day. We shall call it, the purge. It’s the day when I kill you.

6:1

Woe to the Complacent- The complacent are the worst of all. They just sit around being all rich and annoying. I think I’ll kill them first.

The Lord Abhors the Pride of Israel- I hate how prideful you bastards are! Just another reason for death and destruction.

Locusts, Fire and a Plum Line- God showed me (Amos) that He intended to eat up all of the crops with locusts, but I asked Him not to. He said ok. Then He intended to burn all of the crops with fire. I asked him not to, and He again agreed. But then God explained to me that the Israelites had been really naughty, and He could not let them off scot-free. So God showed me a plum line (a string with a weight on the end to measure vertical lines), and He told me that this is what He would do with the Israelites. He’s gonna set their shit straight.

Amos and Amaziah- Amaziah, a priest, told the Israelite king that Amos was acting as a false prophet, telling people they were gonna die and shit. Amos wasn’t phased; he told Amaziah that he was being a prat, and because of that his wife would end up a prostitute, his children would die, his land and possessions would be lost and he would die in an “unclean” country. Also, Amos added, the Israelites most certainly will die, so shut the fuck up.

8:1

A Basket of Ripe Fruit- You see this basket of ripe fruit, Amos? I’m (God) showing you this fruit, because the time is ripe for me to wipe out your people. Cool metaphor, huh? I love metaphors.

Israel to be Destroyed- Yeah, it’s time. I’m going to kill everyone. E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E.

Israel’s Restoration- Well, not everyone. I’ll bring some of them back later to live in the land again once I’ve cooled down. And then I’ll never make them leave it again. Never. Again.

The end!

Up next, Obadiah!

 

This Part of the Bible is Basically just Groundhog’s Day

Joel 1:1

Joel was the son of Pethuel, whomever that was, and God liked to talk to him.

An Invasion of Locusts-You guys (the Israelites) are dicks. You drink all of the time, and you’ve just become a different people all together. So I’m (God) going to destroy everything. I know I’ve said this many, many times, but I will for real do it.

A Call to Repentance-Hey, God, Joel here. We’re really sorry. I’m gonna try and get some priests together and start a fast among the people to show you how sorry we all are. We all really miss food and stuff, so… yeah, we’re sorry.

2:1

An Army of Locusts-God is pissed, I mean really pissed. He is going to lead a thundering army over all of us and leave nothing but destruction in His wake.

Rend Your Heart-Yeah, God, I’m still trying to get people together to do that prayer, fast thing. Just give me a little time, ok?

The Lord’s Answer-Yeah, sure. Just repent and stuff and I’ll give you guys everything you could ever want.

The Day of the Lord-I mean, I’m (God) gonna do some weird shit, either way. I’m going to turn the sun to darkness and the moon to blood, but if you repent, I’ll protect you from the weird shit.

3:1

The Nations Judged-And I’m warning all of those nations who carried off my people (Yes, I realize made you do those things, and no, I don’t give a shit. I’m holding you responsible.), I will seek revenge for them. I will, in turn sell your children as slaves to Judah after I restore them to awesomeness. And, remember that weird shit? The dark sun and bloody moon? That’s for you guys, you other nations who took my people off (under my wishes). You’re gonna really regret doing what I made you do.

Blessings for God’s People-And then you’ll know what I am the coolest, most amazing God ever! My people and lands will flourish while all of you other stupid nations die out and disappear. So there!

The end!

Up next, Amos, followed by a host of tiny, 2-3 page repeats of this same thing that we’ve already heard over and over again. Feel free to tune out until Jonah; I think there’s a whale in that one. Could be fun.

God Makes Hosea Buy an Adulteress Wife to Prove a Point

Hosea 1:1

Hosea is another prophet who lived during the time of the last kings of Judah.

Hosea’s Wife and Children- Hey Hosea, it’s me, God. Go marry an adulterous wife, who will give you awful, faithless children. There’s a good reason, I promise. Well, an OK reason. Spoiler alert, it’s because you guys (Israelites) are awful, and I don’t want to be your God right now, but I will in the future. (Hosea did as he was asked and ended up with three kids).

Israel Punished and Restored- This is just another passage associating Israel with an awful, adulterous woman. God intends to ruin and lay bare the woman, but then later, after her punishment, God will marry her. And Israel will call God “my husband.” Weird, right?

Hosea’s Reconciliation with His Wife- At some point, Hosea’s wife either cheats or becomes a prostitute or both. God tells Hosea to get his wife back and make sweet love to her. So, Hosea buys his wife back and does as asked.

4:1

The Charge Against Israel- Israel is a nasty, stinky prostitute. The people murder, they lie, they steal and they cheat. In God’s words, “Because you rejected my knowledge, I also reject you” 4:6. A lot of blame is put on women who prostitute themselves (possibly still an allegory to the Israelites worshipping other gods).

Judgment Against Israel- Israel is a bunch of assholes. God will punish them harshly.

Israel Unrepentant- Just another listing of Israel’s many sins: adultery, bloodshed, thievery, idol worshipping.

8:1

Israel to Reap the Whirlwind- More about how pissed God is about the Israelites worshipping foreign gods and idols.

Punishment for Israel- We know this one already. Death. Destruction. Lots of it.

God’s Love for Israel- God loved Israel, a lot. He tried to care for them and make them happy, but Israel turned from Him. They depended on their armies and swords instead of their God. So God had to turn away from His people.

Israel’s Sin- God complains about how He saved Israel, only for them to be complete wankers. So God is going to punish them.

13:1

The Lord’s Anger Against Israel- Some old, same old. “They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open.” Lovely.

Repentance to Bring Blessing- God talks about how He had to punish His people, because they’re assholes. But eventually, they will see the error of their ways and repent. Then God will love them again and give them everything they could possibly want.

The end. I know we’ve been over this stuff a few times, and maybe I’ve already stated this, but God does not learn. He has done the whole death, destruction, rebuild thing a few times to no avail. Oh, well…. Who am I to tell God how to parent?

Next up, Joel!

Daniel & Man’s Date with Destiny

Daniel 1:1

Daniel’s  Training in Babylon- After Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, took over Jerusalem, he decided to take a bunch of King Jehoiakim of Judah’s sons (only the ones without physical and mental defect, mind you) under his wing and train them to work for him. Daniel was one of those sons. While in training, Daniel decided that he should not defile himself by drinking the wine and eating the food provided for the men. Daniel asked his guard if he could just eat veggies and drink water. The guard was unsure at first, but Daniel suggested that the man give Daniel and three of his buddies only veggies and water for the next ten days to see how they fared. The advisor agreed, and after ten days of eating only veggies and drinking only water, Daniel and his friends were way healthier than all the other men. So the advisor agreed to feed Daniel what he wished from there on out. Daniel and his friends were favored by God and were incredibly smart and talented. The King of Babylon took them on as servants, and they were way better than his other servants. Because they were vegans. Let that sink in. This all started because David wanted to be vegan.

Nebuchadnezzar’s Dream- At some point in his reign, King Nebuchad… King Nebby started having troubling dreams. He called on some of his best astrologists and magicians to tell him what the dreams meant. King Nebby told them that if they interpreted the dreams incorrectly, he would cut them into pieces and then burn down their houses. In that order. The astrologists and magicians told the king that it would be impossible to correctly interpret the dreams,  only gods could do that. King Nebby got testy and decided to kill all of the wise men in his kingdom for this failing. Daniel and his friends were some of the wise men that would have been put to death, so Daniel took it upon himself to fix the problem. He and his friends prayed to God, who told Daniel what the dreams meant.

Daniel Interprets the Dream- So Daniel went to the King with this knowledge and answered the King’s questions. The King had dreamed about the statue of a man. The head was made of gold, the chest of silver, the belly and thighs of bronze, the legs of iron and the feet a mixture of iron an clay. A rock came in and smashed the iron/clay feet, bringing down the entire statue and breaking it into pieces. Then the rock that had destroyed the statue became large, like a mountain. Daniel told the king that he was the gold head, with the other kingdoms of the world beneath him. But God would bring forth a great power, a kingdom that would smash the rest and eclipse them all in importance, lasting forever. King Nebby was grateful and lavished gifts upon Daniel, even appointing him in a high position.

3:1

The Image of Gold and the Fiery Furnace- Later, (after King Nebby had decreed that Daniel’s God was the true God for interpreting his dream in the last story) king Nebby had a giant idol (not God) made out of gold. He demanded that all people fall and worship the idol at the sound of music or be burned alive in a furnace. But three Jews refused to worship. True to his word, King Nebby had them thrown into a furnace, but the men were seen inside the furnace with a fourth man just casually walking around, so King Nebby called them back out of the furnace. The three men came out completely unharmed (the fourth man in the fire had been an angel), and King Nebby declared again that the Jewish God was the coolest god. And anyone who said anything against the Jewish God would be killed and his house destroyed. Once again, in that order.

Nebuchadnezzar’s Dream of a Tree- Hey, Daniel, remember when you interpreted that dream for me (King Nebby)? Do it again, this one is super fucked up and terrifying. So there’s this giant tree; its branches reach to the ends of the earth and all life lives in or under it. But then this huge dude comes along and trims the branches, scattering the leaves and fruit. He just leave the trunk sitting there. What the heck, Daniel?

Daniel Interprets the Dream- Look Nebby, the tree is you. God told me (Daniel) that you will be torn from your people and forced to live like an animal until you renounce your sins and admit that God is the best god. It will take you seven years to figure it out, by the way.

The Dream is Fulfilled- King Nebby’s dream came true. He was cast out and forced to eat grass and live like an animal for seven years. At which point, he admitted that God was pretty cool and held dominion over everyone (like he has already done twice before). Afterward, Nebby was restored to his kingship and was even more powerful than he had been previously.

5:1

The Writing on the Wall- Nebby’s son, King Belshazzar, was having a fancy party. He wanted to show off, so he had some golden goblets-which had been taken from the temple in Jerusalem-brought out so that he and his guests could use them. While they were using them and talking about how cool idols and false gods are, a disembodied hand appeared and wrote on the wall. The King could not read it, so he had wise men brought in to read it, but they couldn’t make heads or tails of it either. Then, Daniel was brought in to solve the mystery. Daniel read the writing for the King, “Mene, Mene, Tekel, Parsin.” Meaning, “God has numbered the days of your reign and brought it to an end. You have been weighed on the scales and found wanting. Your kingdom is divided and given to the Medes and Persians.” That same night the king was murdered and replaced by Darius, a Mede.

Daniel in the Den of Lions-When Darius took over the king job, he placed Daniel in an administrative role. David was so good at his job that Darius planned to place him above all other administrators. This made the administrators mad, and they plotted against him. They could find no fault with Daniel that would get him arrested, so they talked Darius into setting a new decree stating that anyone who worshipped anyone but Darius over the next thirty days would be put into the lion’s den. And the king did. Of course, Daniel gave zero fucks and continued to pray to his God. The other administrators caught Daniel praying, and went to Darius to tattle. Darius was very distressed and tried to save Daniel fromm the fate that he, himself had been tricked into bringing down on Daniel. Nevertheless, unable to change the decree, the king and his men put Daniel into the lion’s den. That night the king could not eat or sleep. The next morning, the king rushed to the lion’s den, where he found Daniel completely unscathed. Daniel said that God had sent an angel to save him. Then Darius had all of the administrators who had tricked him into the decree thrown into the den with their wives and families. They all died. Then Darius set another decree, that everyone was to fear and revere the God of Daniel, and Daniel continued to be a highly influential and important man throughout the reign of Darius and his successor, Cyrus.

7:1

Daniel’s Dream of Four Beasts- This is a trippy, fucked-up dream that I can’t even describe. There are these four creepy animals: a lion, a bear, a cheetah and some metal, horrifying monstrosity. They all have weird features like wings and horns and shit. They have dominion, but then they are stripped of their powers and destroyed. And then there’s a son of man who gets dominion.

The Interpretation of the Dream- Thank goodness. Daniel was really troubled by his dream, as would be anyone who had that messed up dream. Apparently, the four beasts represent four kingdoms that will rise up and control the earth. But in the end, the saints will rule the earth and keep it forever. Clears that right up.

Daniel’s Vision of a Ram and a Goat- So there’s this ram. He’s a badass, beats up on everyone and rules over everything. But then this goat comes along and whips the ram’s ass. Then the goat becomes the ruler of stuff. And he has a horn, but it breaks. But then he grows a four new horns and then a fifth that is bigger than all of the others. The fifth horn grows up to the sky, threw some starry hosts to the ground and trampled on them.

The Interpretation of the Dream- The ram is Persia. The goat is Greece. The one huge horn that grows to the heavens represents a king that would become more powerful than any other king. That king would be completely evil, he would destroy might men and holy people, but in the end, he too would be destroyed.

9:1

Daniel’s Prayer- Dear God, we’ve been a bunch of jerks, I know, but would you kindly consider ending our punishment? Love, Daniel.

The Seventy “Sevens”- Gabriel (the angel, I think) spoke to Daniel while he made the prayer in the last passage. Gabriel told him that there would seventy “sevens” (seventy weeks, I think) until the “anointed one” (Jesus) showed up and saved the Jews from their repayment of sin. Then there would be sixty-two “sevens,” and the anointed one will be cut off. Your city will be razed, and the end will come.

Daniel’s Vision of a Man- Daniel was just going about his life, when one day he suddenly saw “a man” standing in front of him. This “man” had flaming eyes, he wore the finest linen and a golden belt, his arms and legs were bronze, his face was lightning. Totally sounds like a man. Anyway, the man spoke to Daniel.

The Kings of the South and the North- The man told Daniel that eventually, the kings of Persia would fall. Afterward, there would a faction in the north and another in the south. The two factions would war with each other constantly, like a never-ending season of Game of Thrones.

11: 36

The King Who Exalts Himself- The man continued his war story. He said that one king would finally arise, who would take over much of the known world. He would rule ruthlessly, and honor himself above any god. Though he would rage though the world like a flood, eventually, he too would fall.

The End Times- At that time, the man continued, Michael, the prince of Daniel’s people would rise up. When that happens, those who are wise and God-Fearing will awake  to everlasting life. Those who suck will awake to everlasting shame. Then the man told Daniel not to tell anyone about this conversation until the appropriate time. And the man was very unclear about when the appropriate time when be.

So yeah… Daniel. Cool dude. Huge winner. However, lots of negative stuff is going to happen, lots of people will die, etc. Nothing to see here, move along. Oh, except the end times. Be good, ya’ll.

Next up, Hosea!

Ez E and the Living Dead!

Ezekiel 33:1

Ezekiel a Watchman- Son of man, I (God) am going to make you a watchman. Not like a cool, comic book watchman, but a watchman of Israel. That means that when I tell you that the people are being naughty (and they are, they always are) you have to tell them so. If you don’t I’ll kill you, ok? That way when you tell people they’re being naughty, they’ll have one more chance to change their ways and save themselves.

Jerusalem’s Fall Explained- The Israelites keep saying that they are masters of the land, and that the land will provide for them. Poppycock! They eat meat with the blood still in it and bang their neighbor’s wives and worship idols and shed blood and stuff. So how can they be masters of the land? I’ll (God) kill them and show them all who is master of whom.

Shepherds and Sheep- My (God’s) shepherds suck. They’ve only taken care of themselves and let their flocks go astray. So screw the shepherds; I’ll just tend to my own flocks, and then they will be much better off!

A Prophecy Against Edom- You guys were jerks to the Israelites in their time of need. So I (God) will utterly destroy you. Utterly. Then you’ll see how cool I am.

36:1

A Prophecy to the Mountains of Israel- Israel, you guys really screwed up, so I (God) destroyed you. You already know that. But I’m going to destroy those around you even worse. Then you can go back home and rebuild. You will be better than before, and you will love me the way you were supposed to the first time!

The Valley of Dry Bones- God put Ez E in the middle of a valley full of dry, human bones. Then God told Ezekiel to tell the bones that God was going to bring them back to life. Ezekiel was also supposed to tell the bones (these are Israelite bones) that God would restore them to their homes. Ezekiel did what he was supposed to, and then God made the bones into a living, Israelite army!

One Nation Under One King- Hey, son of man, make some sticks that have the two different house of Israel’s names on them. And then join them together. Because from now on, Israel will be one house, one nation.

A Prophecy Against Gog- (Gog is the chief prince of Meshech and Tubal, in the land of Magog… no idea.) Hey, Gog! You like to gather your hordes to attack and plunder quiet, unsuspecting peoples, and that is a shitty thing to do (never mind that it is the same thing  that I had my people to do take over the land of milk and honey. When you do it, it’s naughty). So I (God) will bring you to Israel, ready to attack, but then I will bring forth a great storm. Like Oklahoma great storm. It will fuck your shit up, and you and all of your men will die there. So, hah!

40:1

The New Temple Area- We’re going on another drug trip with good, ole Ez E. God took Ezekiel to the top of a high mountain in Israel. There was a city on one side and a gateway at the top. In the gateway, stood a man who appeared to be made of bronze. The man had a linen cord and a measuring rod and told Ezekiel to listen up.

The East Gate to the Outer Temple- The bronze dude went around this random temple (that just happened to exist in the middle of Ezekiel’s drug trip) and showed Ezekiel how long each wall of the outer temple should be. There are lots of alcoves and stuff, it is complicated stuff.

The Outer Court- Same, but with the inner court, obviously.

The North Gate- Measuring more stuff.

The South Gate- Same.

Gates to the Inner Court- I guess we’re building a new temple?

The Rooms for Preparing Sacrifices- More measuring, but this time there are tables with fun sacrificing implements.

Rooms for the Priests- More measuring of some Levite priest spaces.

The Temple- Lots and lots of measuring.

42:1

Rooms for the Priests- (Again) More rooms for the priestys, as well as some instructions about priest’s garments.

The Glory Returns to the Temple- Son of man, this is God speaking. I’m going to rest My sack here, in this temple forever. Let the Israelites know about this awesome new temple I built for them. Tell them how cool it is and how I carved palm trees all the fuck over it just for them.

The Altar- More measuring. Aaaaaaaaand we’re back to sacrificing lots of animals everyday. God wants particular types of animals sacrificed at different times of the day and in different gory ways.

The Prince, the Levites and the Priests- See this door, son of man? It has to remain shut, no one can go through this door! Because I (God) went through it. Maintain My rules inside this temple. Only particular Levites, the descendants of Zadok, who remained true to Me, are allowed in My temple. The priests have to wear special clothes, turbans and underwear. They can’t sweat on the special clothes. Ever. They can only marry virgins or the widows of other priests. More rules. They are to be judges to My people and to teach them what is clean and unclean. More rules. The priests cannot own anything. I am all they need.

45:1

Division of the Land- When the land is divided and given out, I (God) get a part of it for my sanctuaries and priests. The prince will get a part, and then the tribes get the rest. And this time, my prince won’t be an asshole, he’s going to be really cool!

Offerings and Holy Days- God explains all of the offerings He expects at certain times and on certain days. Lots of dead animals, mostly. On Sundays, the prince eats with God. Old feasts and festivals are to be resumed. The prince cannot take property from his people; he must give his own land as inheritance and nothing more.

The River From the Temple- God shows Ezekiel the river by the temple that will provide lots of fish and other cool stuff. Plus, there are cool trees around it!

The Boundaries of the Land- God tells Ezekiel to divide the land equally between all twelve tribes, except Joseph gets two shares. Aliens get land too. God tells Ezekiel to treat aliens as his own people.

48:1

The Division of the Land- This just describes where each tribe’s bit of land will be. There is also common land set aside to provide for the needs of city workers.

The Gates of the City- There’s a city in the middle of everything (I think) with entrances on each side for the use of different tribes. The city is to be named, “The Lord is There.”

Look, I found some pictures! (I don’t know how close they are, I wasn’t honestly paying that much attention.)

ezetempleezeland.gif

Well, that’s that. Looks like the Israelites are about to get their lives (and livelihoods) back. God seems to have quashed His mighty anger with the exhilarating thrill of designing a new space. Next up, Daniel. Which I will not post until I’m back from my Christmas travels. So on that note, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, I wish the best for you and yours on whatever holiday you plan to celebrate!

 

 

God Describes, Once Again, How He Will Kill Everyone

Ezekiel 17:1

Two Eagles and a Vine- Son of man, tell your people a story for Me (God). So there’s this eagle, right? The eagle swoops in and tears off the top of a tree; it carries the tree top off and plants it and stuff. Now the seeds it planted from the tree have a covenant with somebody, somebody really cool. But the roots break the covenant and try to get help from another eagle, which is not cool. If they don’t get the point of the story, the Babylonians are the first eagle, the Egyptians are the second eagle, and I’m super pissed that your people broke our covenant.

The Soul Who Sins Will Die- Ezekiel, people are saying that I (God) punish sons for their father’s sins! They say that I am unjust! I call bullshit! If a man is righteous, I save him; if his son is unrighteous, I kill him. But I do not punish a son for his father’s sins, I judge each man on his own virtues. How can they say that is unjust? They are the unjust ones. And one day I’m going to kill them for it, but I won’t enjoy it. (I think we’ve all seen that God is kind of full of shit on that one. He is often wiping out entire families for the sins of one person.)

A Lament for Israel’s Princes- This is a lament, use it only as a lament. Your mom was a lioness, and she raised a strong cub, who was feared. But then the dumb cub got lured in and caught by the Egyptians. So then your mother had another cub, but that dumb cub got lured in and caught by the Babylonians. Your mother was a vine, and you were a splendid vine, but then you were snatched up and taken into the desert, and now you’re a shitty vine.

20:1

Rebellious Israel-A bunch of elders got together and tried to question God. Then God used Ezekiel to tell them to fuck off. God had saved them from Egypt only to be defied. He was sick of their shit.

Judgment and Restoration- You guys suck. I (God) saved you and stuff, and you worshipped your idols instead of me! I mean, come on! Now I will judge you as a I judged your fathers on their way from Egypt through the desert. I’m going to punish you, and then you will know that I am God, not those other losers you’re all worshipping!

Prophecy Against the South- Son of man, tell everybody that the south is screwed. I’m gonna burn it down.

Babylon, God’s Sword of Judgment- I’m (God) gonna kill you with my sword. My sword is Babylon. You’re all gonna die, and no one will remember you.

22:1

Jerusalem’s Sins- What have the people of Israel done so wrong? Well let’s see, they’ve acted super gay. HA! JK. Once again, homosexuality is not even close to mentioned. Seriously though, they’ve shed innocent blood, not supported aliens or the poor, they’ve been adulterous, they’ve defiled their own sisters and sisters-in-law, they’ve defiled their neighbors wives, they haven’t kept the Sabbath holy, they’ve charged excessive interest and extorted their neighbors, they’ve lain with women while they were on their periods and unclean, and they keep honoring other gods. So, fuck them.

Two Adulterous Sisters- So there are two sisters who were born in Egypt. While still in their youth, they became prostitutes. Never mind why they might have done it, there is no excuse. Anyway, they later moved, got married (I’m assuming this; it never actually talks about them getting married) and had children. But they continued their dirty, prostituting ways. Which might have been ok, but the biggest problem is that the sisters were lusting after foreigners and sleeping with them. They were dirty, adulterous whores, so God took their children away (to be murdered), burnt their houses and had them killed. Brutally.

The Cooking Pot- Son of man, take down this date, because today is the day when the Babylonians lay siege to Jerusalem! Exciting, right? Then I will make the city like a cooking pot, boiling away at its people until all of the impurities have been burned up!

Ezekiel’s Wife Dies- Son of man, I’m (God) going to kill your favorite thing in the whole world: your wife. But don’t take off your turban (Yes, all cool dudes in the Bible wear turbans) or do any of the stuff you should do to mourn her. When the people ask why, tell them that I am going to take away the things the love, like their sanctuary and kids and stuff, but they are not to mourn! ‘Cause I said so.

25:1 

A Prophecy Against Ammon- And now comes that lovely time in every prophet’s book where God breaks down how dead all types of different peoples are going to be. Let’s begin: Fuck the Ammonites. They totally laughed at Israel and enjoyed seeing them ruined, so I (God) will ruin them too. I will “exterminate” them!

A Prophecy Against Moab- I’ll (God) only screw the Moabites. No extermination, just “punishment.”

A Prophecy Against Philistia- This time I (God) will “destroy those remaining.”

A Prophecy Against Tyre- I (these prophecy against things are always God) will destroy the city and bring the ocean in to cover Tyre up. And then I will kill all of its people. All of them. People will look for them, but they will not be found.

A Lament for Tyre- Ya’ll built a beautiful city. And you traded with people all over the known world. But none of your riches will save you now. Not after I’ve brought the sea in over your city and destroyed you completely.

28:1

A Prophecy Against the King of Tyre- Oh little king of Tyre, you think you’re so cool, but you are not. You think you are a god, but you are not. We’ll see how much of a god you are when you are killed by a bunch of uncircumcised foreigners.

A Prophecy Against Sidon- Sidon has been a shitty neighbor to the Israelites, so I’m going to kill them too. That way, when I’m done punishing My people, they can come home and live in peace without their shitty neighbors.

A Prophecy Against Egypt- Egypt is way too high and mighty; its people think that they created the Nile, but I created the Nile. So I will kill a bunch of them and scatter the rest for forty years, at which point I will bring them back to Egypt. I will also dry up their rivers. And they will never against be a powerful nation. Babylonians will attack them, conquer them and carry of their riches. (Again, I call bullshit on this one. Yes, one can argue that pharaoh was conquered by a Babylonian army at Carchemish, which did substantially erode Egypt’s power in the Middle East. But the people were not scattered for forty years, the rivers were not dried up and Egypt did re-emerge as a major power. Don’t let fake historians tell you otherwise.)

A Lament for Egypt- Egypt is fucked. I am going to destroy all of it. All of it. 

31:1 

A Cedar in Lebanon- There’s this tree, it is the tallest freakin’ tree you’ve ever seen. It is taller and way more proud than any other tree, so I’m going to cut it down. Then everyone will see that even the tallest tree can be destroyed by Me. That’s you Egypt; you’re the tree.

A Lament for Pharaoh- There is a pit where I’ve left all of the uncircumcised foreigners I’ve killed. The Edomites are there, the Assyrians are there, a bunch of people are there. I cut them all down with my sword and you, pharaoh, you and all of your people are next.

Well, let’s just end right there on such a positive note! We will finish Ezekiel next time! I bet it will be a blast!

Ezekiel Elikiel the Ganja

Ezekiel 1:1

Ezekiel was a priest, son of another priest, living as a slave under the Babylonians.

The Living Creatures and the Glory of the Lord– The hand of the Lord “was upon” Ezekiel, and he saw some scary shit:

 scaryshit

These fucking four-faced, goat-footed things flying around with fire and lightning. And each one had a wheel that followed it around. Not sure why, they just did. And when they flew their wings sounded like God’s voice. Above them, what I think is supposed to be heaven was visible, complete with a little God high up on His throne. Heaven looks like this, apparently:

moreshit

I know what you’re thinking, I just found some weird imagery from 80s rock band albums, but you’re wrong. These are the closest renderings I can find for what the book actually describes as the Cherubim and the shenanigans going on above them. And God didn’t look like some kindly, white bearded dude. No, sir. His top half looked like heated metal, and His bottom half was like fire, and there were rainbows and shit shining out of His head. If Ezekiel continued his drug usage throughout his book, this might be the best read of the Bible so far!

Ezekiel’s Call– Metal/fire God spoke to Ezekiel,calling him “son of man.” He told Ezekiel to go to the Israelites and spread His word. Then God gave Ezekiel a scroll with fun words on it like “woe,” “lament” and “mourning,” and Ezekiel ate it. He ate the scroll. Because God told him to. It tasted like honey. God told Ezekiel that the Israelites were hardheaded jack wagons who would not listen to him, but God would make Ezekiel even more hardheaded than the Israelites with a “forehead like the hardest stone, harder than flint.” That is hardheaded as fuck.

God set Ezekiel down, bitter and angry, amongst the Israelites. Ez E sat around for seven days trying to figure out how to talk to the impossible buttheads surrounding him.

Warning to Israel-After seven days, God again showed Himself to Ezekiel. He told Ezekiel that He had made him a “watchman for the house of Israel.” He also told Ezekiel not to try and save anybody that God had decided were naughty sinners and had marked for death. Oh, and that God intended to let the Israelites tie Ezekiel up and say horrible things to him, but he wouldn’t be able to fight back, because God would take his tongue and “stick [it] to the roof of [his] mouth” so that he would not be able to “rebuke” them. And when the time was right, God would open Ezekiel’s mouth to speak to His people through it. Ezekiel did as he was asked, probably because Cherubim look scary as hell.

4:1

Siege of Jerusalem Symbolized– But God wasn’t done with the demands! Ez E was also to draw the city of Jerusalem on a tablet, build toy siege  weapons and play out the siege of Jerusalem with the toys. Then, he was supposed to lay on his side for 390 days to symbolize that he was holding the sins of Israel on himself; 390 days symbolized the number of years that Israelis had been penalized for their sins. Then he was to turn onto the other side and do 40 more days to symbolize Judah’s sins. While doing this, God told him that he was supposed to eat barley cakes, using human excrement as fuel to make his cakes.

The only part of this that Ez E even argued about was the human excrement thing, so God agreed that he could use cow shit instead. Also, Ezekiel had to shave his head and his beard. With a sword.

A Prophecy Against the Mountains of Israel- God also wanted Ezekiel to tell His people how super dead they would be for disobeying the Lord.

7:1

The End Has Come- Today is the day, Ezekiel! Today I (God) reign havoc on my naughty children. I will kill, destroy, take and desecrate everything they hold dear! Tell them!

Idolatry in the Temple- Ez E is having a quiet day (for once) when metal/fire God picks him up by the hair and takes him on a Dickens/Christmas Carol-type trip, showing him different examples of the Israelites worshipping idols.

Idolaters Killed- At the end of the Dickens trip, God called for the guards of the city (Jerusalem) and a scribe, and they came. He told the scribe to go through the city, putting marks on the foreheads of those who disagreed with the idolatry happening in their city. God then told the guards to follow the scribe and kill all whom he did not place a mark on. “Slaughter old men, young med and maidens, women and children,” said God. So they did.

10:1

The Glory Departs From the Temple- God, His snazzy throne and His Cherubim settled into the temple in Jerusalem, talked to the scribe from above for a while and then left. Mostly, the passage is just Ez E re-descrbing Cherubim and realizing that they are called Cherubim. Horrifying image not seared into your brain? Let’s try again:

scaryshit

Horrifying.

Judgment on Israeli’s Leaders- God took Ez E to see some people that He was very angry with, because they were providing people with false prophecies. So God killed one of them right then, and then He told Ezekiel that He was going to kill and/or ruin everyone (one of God’s reasons for doing this is that people were spilling innocent blood, so… hypocrisy? Possibly.) Ezekiel got upset, because that included his family and friends, but God wasn’t about to back down because of some humanoid’s loved ones.

Promised Return to Israel- Actually, God did take some pity on Ez E and his loved ones. God promised that though he would drive his people out of their land and put them in slavery, He would eventually bring them back. But when they come back, God says, He is going to “remove from them their heart of stone and give the a heart of flesh.” Meaning that His people are suddenly going to do everything that He says. Because apparently He will have direct power over them in the future but not until after He punishes them? Does this guy hold absolute power or not; this book cannot decide!

12:1

The Exile Symbolized- Then God decided to have Ezekiel play charades with his fellow Israelites; he is told to pack his things and walk off into the sunset as if he were being banished into slavery. So he did. Afterward, God was upset because the people thought that Ezekiel was prophesying about a distant future that wouldn’t include them, but God was talking about right the fuck now.

False Prophets Condemned- God totally ripped the false prophets in Israeli, saying that He would destroy them all, and then the people would realize that the words of fake prophets are also fake and follow God.

Idolators Condemned- God decides that all He really needs to do to win hearts and minds is to get rid of the people leading the Israelites astray, like those who push foreign Gods.

Judgment Inescapable- God tells Ezekiel that everyone is super screwed. Even if Noah, Daniel and Job were still around, only those three would be saved; they wouldn’t be able to save those around them. But God also makes it clear that Ezekiel will see that all of this was warranted in the end. After lots of people are dead. It will all be worth it.

15:1

Jerusalem, A Useless Vine- Ezekiel tries to change God’s mind by pointing out that wood is of little use after it has been burned, comparing that to a people who would be put through all of the crap God was describing. To which God responded basically with, yeah whatever, still gonna do it. 

An Allegory of Unfaithful Jerusalem- When you were born, people of Israel, you were gross and no one wanted you. But then I (God) found you, bathed you and claimed you. I gave you boobs and hair and stuff and made you a queen (as a female, all that matters really is that Israel is beautiful, no wonder they went astray). But you took all of those things I gave you and turned them against Me! You are a prostitute! No, you’re an adulterous wife, because you give payment instead of receive payment from your lovers. You make Sodom appear righteous (God goes into some of what Sodom did wrong: they were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy; they were haughty and did detestable things. Not a word about homosexuality, yet again.) Because of all this, I will destroy and humiliate you! Then you will not be so haughty and proud in the future!

So there we go… Ezekiel is just another account of why God just had to reprimand His people. Or at least it is so far, there is a lot, lot more next time.